Date Night Advice in the Hamptons and the Best Burger!?

So a few years ago, I did a posting about how when it comes to dating, where you go can tell you a lot about the person.   It’s also a good guide to picking the right location for someone who is truly special.  Well as we all know, it’s always changing here on the East End with new restaurants and some of the old favorites.  So here is my updated 2012 dating guide for Hamptons restaurants.  This is more geared towards the ladies but guys, use it as a guide as well.   Perhaps you can make a better impression on your next blind date.

Restaurant: Nick and Toni’s , The Palm or East Hampton Grill

What does it say: If it’s on a Friday or Saturday night.. it means they have connections. They’re also not short on cash and willing to go head to head with some of the biggest attitudes in the Hamptons. If they order the zucchini chips (N&T) onion rings (Palm) or buttermilk biscuits (EHG) they’re daring… not afraid of calories because they’ll be at the gym in the morning. It also says, they really know the menu. If the bartenders or waitresses know them by first name, they’re generous and good tippers. They deserve a least a second date or to go a few bases. If you’re date is on a Sunday or prixe-fixe night, it’s up to your discretion.

Additional Advice: My advice hasn’t changed much since last time on these, avoid topics or conversations dealing with the following: ex-wives, alimony or investing with Bernie Madoff.  Notably missing from this list is the American Hotel which I think has truly earned it’s reputation as the wax museum of the Hamptons.   If you go on a date there, you’re probably double dating with someones parents and as Whoopi said in GHOST, “you’re in danger girl!”

Restaurant: Players Club & Agave (Bridgehampton)


What does it say: Chances are your date is a summer renter here in the Hamptons. They’re still new to the scene so if you’re waiting for that invitation to Gwyneth’s or Sarah Jessica Parker’s forget it. If this is a first date, finish the evening and change your cell number. You can do better.  Besides, if it were in the city you know they’d be taking you to Scores or El Torito!

Additional Advice: Avoid topics relating to home ownership in the Hamptons, real estate, St. Barth’s at Christmas and flying coach versus first class.

Restaurant: 1770 House

What does it say: Your date obviously knows some of the hidden treasures of the Hamptons. It also says, they’re willing to go to a quiet place and they’re not afraid to hold a conversation with you.  You’re date is likely confident and not afraid to spend a little extra for something special. Now, I want to be clear we’re talking about the upstairs restaurant here… if you end up in the downstairs pub it only says one thing to me; THEY’RE MARRIED!

Additional Advice: If your upstairs you can pretty much discuss anything, they obviously are open and willing to talk. If your DOWNSTAIRS avoid discussing wives, mistresses, explaining difficult things to children and commuting to the city from Nassau County.

Restaurant: Almond

What does it say: If it’s Friday night and he’s taking you to Almond, he’s gay! If you already knew he was gay… then just enjoy he probably knows a lot of people.

Additional Advice: If it’s Saturday, I’m not quite sure what to do but I think you’ve done ok. If it’s Friday and your on a hetero date… avoid topics like musicals, football and closets. It will only make you both uncomfortable.

My last note today and probably the most obvious!

Restaurant: Cyril’s or Murph’s Tavern

What does it say: People go to Cyril’s and Murph’s for one reason; to drink!  If someone actually takes you there on a date it could be they’re  fresh out of rehab or about to go! I would also be suspect of everyone your date just said hello to, odds are they’re tomorrow’s date! If you drove separately (hopefully you did) pretend to get a text message and leave immediately to deal with a “personal issue.”

Additional Advice: Avoid such topics as binge drinking, rehab, STD’s, sobriety or monogamy!  Also having the number for a cab service in speed dial will be really helpful!

If like last time,  today’s blog offends anyone.. I apologize, it was written with a sense of humor. But remember, there’s a little bit of truth in every jest!  Finally, a little poll…. Who has the best burger in the Hamptons.   I’ve asked a few folks and these five seem to be the frontrunners.    Remember to vote early and often!

 

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception!!!

Ironic, one of my favorite Marx Brothers lines came to mind last night (see today’s headline). But no I didn’t say it! I was enjoying my dinner in the basement of 1770 House last night when a rather loud woman next to me was extolling the virtues of a certain “News” channel. She claimed it was the only one that gave viewers the “whole story.” I nearly lost it! Now, I can’t get into it for legal reasons but I did give her a piece of my mind and tried to educate her to the best of my ability. I mean, she had a sort of “sapphic” (not that there is anything wrong with that) look to her and to me she seemed like a chicken defending Colonel Sanders. I don’t think it worked.

Anyway, if you get a chance, go to 1770 house. They have one of the best prix fixe dinners around. You can order from the pub menu in the basement or from the upstairs menu. Either way, I love it and it’s a great deal! $35 for a three course meal or $19.95 for a two course off of the pub menu. On the pub menu is the meatloaf that the Barefoot Contessa, Ina Garten twittered was the best she ever had. I have to say, I agree! Anyway, if you want to make reservations or get more details at www.1770house.com and I hope for your sake there is no Faux News on!

And now speaking of the Marx Brothers… this coming Saturday Bay Street Theatre will be showing “MONKEY BUSINESS!” It’s no “Night at the Opera” but any Marx Brothers is a good Marx Brothers. Admission is $5 or you can throw in a dinner at the American Hotel for $25 including the movie ticket. Now that’s an awesome deal if you ask me. (The American Hotel 631-725-3535)

Finally, if you’re having computer trouble STAPLES in Bridgehampton is doing free computer cleanups. They’ll help you defrag your computer, scan for viruses and get it running smooth in no time at all. It’s free so don’t let them sell you anything except for one of the “EASY” buttons! I love those!!

Hey, I just got a new layout… what do you think? And a SHOUT OUT to one of my competitors!

Its my stream of consciousness blog today! I went last night for dinner to 1770 House and actually sat UPSTAIRS! It was for the prix fixe of course, $29.00. It was awesome. The food is always terrific and the service was an A+! Most of my table had the Mahi Mahi with a main course of Chedder Cheese Brioche (which are free)… I ordered the Olive Twist bread as my main dish. MY POINT?! Eat upstairs at 1770 House, you’re worth it!

So after dinner, we headed across the street to see Alec Baldwin in the Guild Hall production of Equus. Anyway for those of you who don’t know the story… according to wickipedia; Equus is a play by Peter Shaffer written in 1973, telling the story of a psychiatrist who attempts to treat a young man who has a pathological religious/sexual fascination with horses.[1]

Shaffer was inspired to write Equus when he heard of a crime involving a 17-year-old who blinded six horses in a small town near London. He set out to construct a fictional account of what might have caused the incident, without knowing any of the details of the crime. I guess I’m not really a theatre person because after an hour and a half, I had to be restrained in my seat because I wanted to blind myself and be rushed out of the show! By the way, all of my 5 friends loved the show. What do I know!?

Meanwhile, I became a father again this week. Yes, I have a new four legged child! How??? Well apparently in the South, dropping your dog off at a kill shelter after about two years seems to be no big deal. Luckily there are some people in the Hamptons who think this is as terrible as I do! My friend Cliffeton Green who is an agent at Corcoran was telling me about a dog she was fostering for LAST CHANCE ANIMAL RESCUE. We were doing a deal together and it was better than any 6% commission I ever got! NO, I’M NOT RETURNING THE MONEY FROM THE LAST DEAL.. BUT I AM MAKING A DONATION! But I digress… anyway, I ended up adopting Russell! He’s about 2 years old and a beagle mix. So Russell is now a happy member of my household and teaching my “angel” Boo about such wonderful past times as; stealing food off the counter tops, digging under the back yard fence to escape and chasing gophers in the backyard at 4 am! Anyway, when he looks at you and wags his tail, it makes it all worth it. Thanks Cliffeton, Russell is the best!! If you want to help LAST CHANCE ANIMAL RESCUE too, here’s their website http://www.lcarf.org/index.php They’re in need of volunteers to foster more dogs. I would offer to take another dog but I’m spending all of my time keeping Russell in line!

IT’S DATE NIGHT IN THE HAMPTONS… AND LOCATION MEANS EVERYTHING!!!

So many of my friends…mostly gay men and women ask me for my impressions on various restaurants and what they mean in the dating sense. Like in the city a friend of mine would call and say, “I’m going on a date tonight… we’re going to Per Se.” I would usually respond to that with “awesome… you got a winner or you found a winner and you’re willing to spend some bucks.” So, in the Hamptons what does it tell you when the person picks the restaurant. TONS! If you read below I’ll answer all your questions. Now remember, this guide and glossary is only good if you’ve been asked to one of these establishments. It’s also a good guide to picking the right location for someone who is truly special.

Restaurant
: Nick and Toni’s , The Palm or the American Hotel.

What does it say: If it’s on a Friday or Saturday night.. it means they have connections. They’re also not short on cash and willing to go head to head with some of the biggest attitudes in the Hamptons. If they order the zucchini chips (at N&T) or onion rings (Palm) they’re daring… not afraid of calories because they’ll be at the gym in the morning. It also says, they really know the menu. If one of the hostesses or maitre d’s say “hello,” you know they’re doing well because they obviously slipped one of them a few buck$ for Christmas. They deserve a least a second date or to go a few bases. If you’re date is on a Sunday or prixe-fixe night, it’s up to your discretion.

Underlying issues: My advice would be to avoid any topics or conversations dealing with the following: ex-wives, alimony or investing with Bernie Madoff.

Restaurant: Matto

What does it say: Chances are your date is a summer renter here in the Hamptons. They’re still new to the scene so if you’re waiting for that invitation to Jerry Seinfeld’s residence forget it. If this is a first date, finish the evening and change your cell number. You can do better.

Underlying issues: Avoid topics relating to home ownership in the Hamptons, real estate, St. Barth’s at Christmas and flying coach versus first class.

Restaurant: 1770 House

What does it say: Your date obviously knows some of the hidden treasures of the Hamptons. It also says, they’re willing to go to a quiet place and they’re not afraid to hold a conversation with you. They’re smart and into the finer things in life. Confident and not afraid to spend a little extra for something special. Now, I want to be clear we’re talking about the upstairs restaurant here… if you end up in the downstairs pub it only says one thing to me; THEY’RE MARRIED!

Underlying issues: If your upstairs you can pretty much discuss anything, they obviously are open and willing to talk. If your DOWNSTAIRS avoid discussing wives, mistresses, explaining difficult things to children and commuting to the city from Nassau County.

Restaurant:
Almond

What does it say: If it’s Friday night and he’s taking you to Almond, he’s gay! If you already knew he was gay… then just enjoy he probably knows a lot of people.

Underlying issues: If it’s Saturday, I’m not quite sure what to do but I think you’ve done ok. If it’s Friday and your on a hetero date… avoid topics like musicals, football and closets. It will only make you both uncomfortable.

My last note today and probably the most obvious!


Restaurant:
Cyril’s

What does it say: People go to Cyril’s for one reason to drink. Odds are your date just got out of rehab or is probably fresh from the daily Montauk AA meeting. I would also be suspect of everyone your date just said hello to, odds are they’re tomorrow’s date! If you drove separately (hopefully you did) pretend to get a text message and leave immediately to deal with a “personal issue.”

Underlying issues: Avoid such topics as binge drinking, rehab, STD’s, sobriety or monogamy!

If today’s blog offends anyone.. I apologize, it was written with a strong sense of humor. But remember, there’s a little bit of truth in every jest!