The Hamptons… Debunking the Myths!I

I’ll never forget my first visit to the Hamptons back in the mid 80’s.    A friend of mine brought me to stay at his parents house which I think was in Southampton.   It was somewhat of a culture shock for me.   I mean I grew up going to the Jersey shore.     Margate, Cape May and Long Beach Island were all I knew of beach living.    So when I first crossed the canal… Yes, that’s really where the Hamptons begin.. it was a bit of an eyeopener.

Now that I live out here full-time, friends from near and far have questions about living in our little slice of “heaven.”   So along with their requests to visit with friends and friends of friends (I’m sorry, the house is being bug bombed that weekend), come misconceptions about what its really like to be in the Hamptons.   So, today I’m here to debunk the myths and misconceptions about life east of the canal.  Where is Quogue anyway?

It’s a movie you idiot!!!

1)  Myth:  If you’re nice to your boss maybe they’ll invite you to their beachfront property for the weekend.      

REALITY: Hello McFly, “Weekend at Bernie’s” is not real life!   You’re not that lucky, your boss isn’t going to invite you and he/she probably won’t die.   So,  even if you do somehow get an invite it’s going to be exhausting butt kissing and sucking up all weekend!   Your boss comes out here to get away… especially from you! It’s the truth.  If they liked you even a little they would have invited you already.    I don’t care if there was a “Weekend at Bernie’s 2” it’s just not going to happen!  In fact, if you bumped into them at the Golden Pear they’re going to pretend they never saw you before!  I experienced that one first hand from Harry C. years ago.  (I heard he now lives in Michigan and works as an assistant manager at Friendly’s, sometimes Karma works!)

2)  Myth: People come to the Hamptons to get mellow, relax and get away from it all.

REALITY: Wait I gotta catch my breath from this one!  MELLOW!!?? RELAX???! GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?     If you’ve ever been to The Palm on a Friday night in the summer you’ll know it isn’t true!  The overcrowded lobby where everyone dressed in designer duds is aggressive, pushy and jockeying the host stand as if they were starving and getting free government cheese (not as good as it sounds and not kind of bland tasting).   Not only that it’s networking central once you get inside the dining room.    In fact, I was there a few weeks ago with 3 friends and we didn’t even talk to each other.    They were talking business deals and I was working the room seeing who wanted to sell!     I always knew good things would come from the 837 Club!

3) Myth: There are palm trees in the Hamptons.

REALITY:  They don’t shoot “Revenge” in the Hamptons.    It’s shot in California or North Carolina or somewhere.    There are many beautiful trees on the east end, especially Scrub Oak (I’m trying to make them the new “it” thing and improve my property value).   Did I say how spectacular Scrub Oak are in the fall.  They’re beautiful in the summer too.  Boy I thing Scrub Oak are THE tree of the super wealthy and stylish.    Call me about seeing my house, it’s on the market.  By the way, whatever happened to Conrad Grayson?

4)  Myth:  The celebrities in the Hamptons at all of the benefits are refined and super glamorous! 

The only “Housewife” I want to meet!

REALITY: I have to quote Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Jr., “you don’t have to be a star baby…. to be in our” benefit.   I have to blame Andy Cohn for this one.   Now, I love you Andy and I’m happy for your success but those housewives are a nightmare!    I am an addict to the History Channel so I’ve never actually watched a “Real Housewives” of anything.     I know plenty of real housewives and personally most of them really aren’t that interesting.   So why do I care about Ramona (who screams at waiters)… or Jill (who abuses real agents (moi) about “over priced” houses which I know she couldn’t afford anyway)?    Besides, you can’t fool me they’re nothing more than Snooky in Pucci dresses.    Classy!    Now, don’t get me wrong there are some real Hollywood type celebrities out here; Alec Baldwin, Kelsey Grammer, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jerry Seinfeld and Christie Brinkley (who I swear uses a stylist to go to Yummylicious) that are well dressed and well behaved.   But lately I think they’re keeping a low profile on the benefit circuit.  I guess they heard that indicted NJ Housewife Teresa is coming to town.   Although personally, I think I’d kind of get along with that housewife.  I bet she’s been to Long Beach Island.


Me, SJP and 13 nice things about the Hamptons!!

Last night I was at the NY Sheraton for the annual Empire State Pride Agenda, fall dinner. It was actually a really great event for a great cause. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand was there as was Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Governor David Patterson. The event was hosted by Andy Cohen of Bravo and Sarah Jessica Parker. Now, I’ve known Andy for years and he introduced me to Ms. Parker or as he calls her SJP. I have to say, she was more attractive in person than in any of her movies or on the TV show. She was also absolutely charming. So now, if you read this blog you know I wasn’t crazy about “Sex and the City 2” the movie. Well, I take it back. I’m going to only say nice things about the Movie and SJP! She’s my new BFF.

So that had me thinking. Now that I’ve turned over a new leaf of saying only nice things about S&TC2, maybe I should say nice things about some other places and people I’ve often slighted. So, since today is Friday the 13Th I’m going to add some positive energy to the day and say 13 nice things. Here it goes….

#1 Bay Burger in Sag Harbor … nice thing… they have a very smooth parking lot!

OK, how did I do? I’ll keep going….

#2 The smell of the East Hampton Gym and the stale smelling towels keep me alert when working out!

#3 Bagel Buoy in Sag Harbor… the bagels are very round!

#4 Joan Jedell’s Hamptons hot sheet is great for starting bonfires!

#5 The traffic on 27 isn’t really that bad on Sunday mornings in January!

#6 The Golden Pear’s $10 gazpacho makes me spend $10 less on wine!

#7 That agent that looks like Ms. Piggy is much better looking than their boyfriend!

Gosh this is hard… I’m thinking… I’m thinking… hummmmmm….

#8 The produce in Walbaum’s isn’t as rancid as it looks!

#9 Riverhead is a great place if you like fast food!

#10 Murphs in Sag Harbor has a floor that’s very difficult to slip on!

#11 I don’t have to ever worry about sleeping too late, now that I have my Beagle Russell!

#12 ATT’s lousy reception keeps me from spending too much time talking to long winded real estate agents!

and…. drum roll….. #13 the orange parking ticket on my window looks so great with all of the Fall colors!!!

Whoa! Oh before I forget. I have to post this video. If you haven’t seen it yet you should. What do you think happens to a McDonalds Happy Meal after 6 months. Take a look. Bay Burger may not seem so bad now!