IF YOU WANT TO GET INVITED BACK FOR SUMMER 2020?

A few years ago, I gave some homeowners the ultimate guide (click here) to getting rid of those guests that just can’t take a hint.    You know the types, that turn a two day invitation into a living hell only to discuss extending their stay!   Well, today’s blog isn’t about how to get them to leave,  it’s about giving them parameters for being invited next summer!   Yep print this out and leave it on the dresser or send this blog link with a wink and a nod and say, “but you know I don’t mean YOU!”

So here you go, my attempt at preventing animosity, hurt feelings, bruised egos…

keebler elf
I don’t work in the Hamptons!

and most of all bloodshed.  This is the ultimate Hamptons chatter guide for  houseguests on HOW TO GET INVITED BACK!

1- Pick up your dishes!  The sink isn’t magic and those dishes you leave in the sink don’t get rinsed and put into the dishwasher by a group of unemployed Keebler elves.

This means your coffee cups, wine glasses, bagel dishes and jam crusted knives need YOU  to rinse them off and put them into the dishwasher!   If the said washer is dirty and the housekeeper has the day off, here’s a great way to earn brownie points… empty the thing!!!

2- Don’t use a new towel every ten minutes!    Most of us don’t have a full time staff or an unlimited supply of bath and beach towels.     One of the biggest complaints I hear from Hamptons homeowners is when guests go through the linen closet booty like tissue paper.

Try limiting your use to one beach/pool towel and one bath towel.   Unless you’re helping with the lawn or cleaning my septic tank, odds are you can hang your towels and reuse the next day!

3-Don’t drink (or eat) more than you bring –  If you bring one bottle of Boone’s Farm Blue Hawaiian wine feel free to drink it and offer your host a glass.  Do not take said Blue Hawaiian put it on a shelf and then proceed to drink all of my Sancerre.  That’s just not nice!    Buy a nice bottle of wine anytime you visit the Hamptons … it’s the right thing to do.  Also, if you plan on going on a bender, it’s a good idea to make it a case.

4- No fighting –  You might not think this needs to be mentioned but believe you me…. it’s worth bringing up.     If you want to be a good guest don’t fight with the hosts, don’t fight with the other guests and don’t fight with your companion.    This means avoid drinking too much, don’t talk about politics and religion and don’t be cranky.   Always remember, you got invited because your hosts enjoy your company…. be enjoyable!

5- If you’re in a bad mood or don’t feel like socializing don’t come!   Yes, most Hamptons homes have wi-fi.  Yes,  the guest rooms are comfortable.   Yes, most have central air.   But if that’s an excuse for staying in your room all day, why are you even there!!!!????     Stay in the city or check into a Holiday Inn express… you’ll feel smarter!

6 – Eat in the Kitchen – Do you do that at your own home?   Do not take Toasted Coconut Entenmann Donuts without a napkin into the bedroom or anywhere else around the house.    Also, eating your chicken salad sandwich with a side of guac and chips in the pool and hot tub is kind of a faux pas.

7- Wear clothes around the house –  I know.   I didn’t think this needed mentioning TOO but butts aren’t always good.   Especially if you’re sitting in someone’s living room.    But  then again if you look like a supermodel….

Now excuse me, as I wrap up this blog.  I’ll now get off my soapbox and put some of that soap in the washer and start cleaning more of your towels.

HOW TO BEAT THE TRAFFIC WHEN YOU’RE HUNRGY or HANGRY!!

Is it just me or does it seem like every car on the road right now is a Volvo with Vermont plates?  Not only that but they’re stopping cold in the middle of the road to make a right turn!!!?   SHOOT ME!    While I’m not a total misanthrope (PSAT study class word) ,  the idea of venturing into the wild wild world of the Hamptons in August is sometimes too much for me.  So what to do?!    Well finally there’s something new to say about the lame situation of food delivery out here!    UBER EATS has finally arrived… while the selection is a bit limited there are a few not too expensive standouts;  The Seafood Shop and

seafood shop
www.theseafoodshop.com

The Highway Diner in Wainscott and Buoy One Seafood in East Hampton.    All will bring fully cooked dinners right to your right door.    But if breakfast is your thing there’s also more to the skinny on getting chubby without leaving home. 

Grindstone Donuts in Sag Harbor is also delivering!!!   In case you’ve never been to Sag Harbor on a weekend morning and saw the line out the door, you know I have you’re attention on this!  I mean we’re talking “DONUTS.”   But if you think I’m talking “Dunkin,” you couldn’t be more wrong.      I’m talking a brioche style donut with flavors like smores, lemon poppy and classic glaze!    Recently I had the chance to stop by and talk to owner Kyle Shanahan about what brought him to town and why his a hole cut above the rest!

 

Finally, in addition to Uber Eats there are Chinese restaurants that I think are worth their weight in MSG.   Number 1 (631-726-8080) in Water Mill and Phoenix in Wainscott (631-537-0011).    There are a few others in the area but one of them actually has Immodium on the menu which to me is a big red flag…OK I’m kidding.   While my two recommendations aren’t exactly Shun Lee or Mr. Chow’s, they’re both good, hearty and reasonably priced.   Both are the best Chinese delivery in the HAMPTONS!  Although, that’s kind of like saying it’s the friendliest restaurant in France.

MUST READ: NEW RULES ON SUMMER RENTALS… BUT FIRST CIABATTA TRY THIS PLACE!

A view to a kill… of your diet!
A really cook kinda bakery! Carissa’s new location!

It’s here!! After much anticipation Carissa’s Bakery has expanded and opened a new cafe at the former home of Turtle Crossing in East Hampton! If you don’t know Carissa’s you should! The Village favorite that features some of the most awe inspiring cakes, pies and breads (sourdough pickled rye bread… OMG!) will now serve a full menu from breakfast to dinner at the new cafe. While I haven’t sat down to eat a full meal yet at the new location, the facility at 221 Pantigo place is impressive. I recently had one of their amazing gourmet sandwiches which has me eager to come back and try their soon to be expanded menu along with one of their carefully curated wines. The fact Carissa’s serves from mainly local providers and features one of the more innovative menus I’ve seen, has me thinking this new addition to East End dining will be packed. If you want more information about the new cafe or on Carissa’s original bakery you can click here.

Left Facing Red For Rent Real Estate Sign in Front of Beautiful House.

Meanwhile if you’ve ever rented your home in the Hamptons, here is a bit of news you can’t afford to ignore. Effective July 14th landlords are now limited to collect no more than one months rent in advance for any lease. This means a whole new way of doing business for agents in these neck of the woods. For example, a summer rental from Memorial Day to Labor day would usually require about 50% up front at the signing of the lease and the remainder due before taking possession. Now, a landlord can connect no more than one month’s rent in advance and that includes security deposit! Considering most landlords in the Hamptons handle these rentals themselves, it’s an added layer of headache for anyone who wants to take that summer trip and leave the mayhem of summer. In addition to all of this there are now caps on late fees, tenant screenings and time frames for evictions. If you want more information on this headache inducing new way of doing things, make sure to click here on attorney Andrew Lieb’s outline of the new regulations in this weeks Dan’s Papers.

JANUARY IS THE CRUELEST MONTH!

T.S. Eliot once said, “April is the cruelest month.”   Well, let me just say anyone who was willing to write the lyrics for that awful Andrew Lloyd Webber musical gets no respect from me!   The Hamptons in January is truly the cruelest month!  Case I point, today I went to a home inspection and there was no heat.    The homeowner had winterized the property and it was a 20 degrees INSIDE!     Yeah, Hamptons real estate is so glamorous!     My feet are still numb, but I guess it’s better than working in a coal mine or being a food critic in Des Moines.

 

Anyway, all things considered the Hamptons are not a bad place to be even when it’s 5 degrees outside.     So, here they are in no particular order a few fun INDOOR things to do when the forecast has more negatives than a yelp review for a Cracker Barrel restaurant.

 

Montauk Salt Cave

The Montauk Salt Cave – Imagine sitting comfortably in a nice heated room as you breath in Himalayan salt infused air.    It’s like going to the beach but without a village parking sticker.    According to the company website, the cave helps revitalizes ones respiratory tract with lungs and nasal passages cleared from pollens, inflammations and other pollutants.  This is particularly handy if you’ve recently been spending anytime on Main St. Amagansett.   The cave has various scheduled sessions that included everything from guided mediations to reiki healing.    Locals secret:  Take a look on Groupon where the session are often offered at a steep discount.  For more information click HERE.

 

Photo: The Clubhouse East Hampton

The Fieldhouse East Hampton – If you haven’t gone yet you should.   Located on Daniels Hole Rd. in E. Hampton, this entertainment center has something for everyone.    There’s an arcade for the kids, bowling for the families, bocci balland corn hole for the millennials and a bar/restaurant with full a menu for people like me.    They also have a mini golf course but I don’t think that’s in the cards when it’s this cold.   Long needed on the east end, the Fieldhouse is perfect for everyone.  It’s especially great for parents who want to ignore their children with a cocktail as the little ones play games, win points and hopefully buy a prize.   If you want more information check out the website HERE.  Local secret:  Check out their Facebook page for special events and discounts.

 

 

The Spa at Gurney’s – Book a massage or treatment at the Seawater Spa then for a small facilities fee of $30 take a dip in the salt water pool, sweat in the sauna or sweat it out in the Swedish steam room.   The best part of the deal is actually swimming in the pool while overlooking the sand and surf through the expansive wall of glass doors.     Follow it up with a glass of wine and lunch at Tillie’s café.   Although last time I was there I got in trouble for trying to eat my tuna salad sandwich in the pool, so I don’t advise.    For more information you can click HERE.    Local secret:  Memberships are available for access to the fitness club and spa areas.

 

The Parish Art Museum – It’s indoors.  It has art.  I never took an art history class so it’s pointless for me to elaborate.   There are no dogs playing poker, toreadors on velvet or cats hanging onto bars so I’m lost.   I will say people seem to enjoy it and find it EDUCATIONAL.   For the latest exhibitions and hours click HERE.

 

So, there you go!  I know!  You’re welcome!  You don’t have to sit on the sofa binge watching Netflix the entire month.    There are actually things you can do INDOORS that are a little out of the normal routine.    Now, excuse me while I book my flight on Southwest.