The Hamptons… Debunking the Myths!I

I’ll never forget my first visit to the Hamptons back in the mid 80’s.    A friend of mine brought me to stay at his parents house which I think was in Southampton.   It was somewhat of a culture shock for me.   I mean I grew up going to the Jersey shore.     Margate, Cape May and Long Beach Island were all I knew of beach living.    So when I first crossed the canal… Yes, that’s really where the Hamptons begin.. it was a bit of an eyeopener.

Now that I live out here full-time, friends from near and far have questions about living in our little slice of “heaven.”   So along with their requests to visit with friends and friends of friends (I’m sorry, the house is being bug bombed that weekend), come misconceptions about what its really like to be in the Hamptons.   So, today I’m here to debunk the myths and misconceptions about life east of the canal.  Where is Quogue anyway?

It’s a movie you idiot!!!

1)  Myth:  If you’re nice to your boss maybe they’ll invite you to their beachfront property for the weekend.      

REALITY: Hello McFly, “Weekend at Bernie’s” is not real life!   You’re not that lucky, your boss isn’t going to invite you and he/she probably won’t die.   So,  even if you do somehow get an invite it’s going to be exhausting butt kissing and sucking up all weekend!   Your boss comes out here to get away… especially from you! It’s the truth.  If they liked you even a little they would have invited you already.    I don’t care if there was a “Weekend at Bernie’s 2” it’s just not going to happen!  In fact, if you bumped into them at the Golden Pear they’re going to pretend they never saw you before!  I experienced that one first hand from Harry C. years ago.  (I heard he now lives in Michigan and works as an assistant manager at Friendly’s, sometimes Karma works!)

2)  Myth: People come to the Hamptons to get mellow, relax and get away from it all.

REALITY: Wait I gotta catch my breath from this one!  MELLOW!!?? RELAX???! GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?     If you’ve ever been to The Palm on a Friday night in the summer you’ll know it isn’t true!  The overcrowded lobby where everyone dressed in designer duds is aggressive, pushy and jockeying the host stand as if they were starving and getting free government cheese (not as good as it sounds and not kind of bland tasting).   Not only that it’s networking central once you get inside the dining room.    In fact, I was there a few weeks ago with 3 friends and we didn’t even talk to each other.    They were talking business deals and I was working the room seeing who wanted to sell!     I always knew good things would come from the 837 Club!

3) Myth: There are palm trees in the Hamptons.

REALITY:  They don’t shoot “Revenge” in the Hamptons.    It’s shot in California or North Carolina or somewhere.    There are many beautiful trees on the east end, especially Scrub Oak (I’m trying to make them the new “it” thing and improve my property value).   Did I say how spectacular Scrub Oak are in the fall.  They’re beautiful in the summer too.  Boy I thing Scrub Oak are THE tree of the super wealthy and stylish.    Call me about seeing my house, it’s on the market.  By the way, whatever happened to Conrad Grayson?

4)  Myth:  The celebrities in the Hamptons at all of the benefits are refined and super glamorous! 

The only “Housewife” I want to meet!

REALITY: I have to quote Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Jr., “you don’t have to be a star baby…. to be in our” benefit.   I have to blame Andy Cohn for this one.   Now, I love you Andy and I’m happy for your success but those housewives are a nightmare!    I am an addict to the History Channel so I’ve never actually watched a “Real Housewives” of anything.     I know plenty of real housewives and personally most of them really aren’t that interesting.   So why do I care about Ramona (who screams at waiters)… or Jill (who abuses real agents (moi) about “over priced” houses which I know she couldn’t afford anyway)?    Besides, you can’t fool me they’re nothing more than Snooky in Pucci dresses.    Classy!    Now, don’t get me wrong there are some real Hollywood type celebrities out here; Alec Baldwin, Kelsey Grammer, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jerry Seinfeld and Christie Brinkley (who I swear uses a stylist to go to Yummylicious) that are well dressed and well behaved.   But lately I think they’re keeping a low profile on the benefit circuit.  I guess they heard that indicted NJ Housewife Teresa is coming to town.   Although personally, I think I’d kind of get along with that housewife.  I bet she’s been to Long Beach Island.



(Bethany Frankel of Real Housewives of NYC)

GUYS SORRY I TOOK YESTERDAY OFF! What’s going on this weekend in the Hamptons??? The top event for me this weekend will be the MIRACLE HOUSE SUMMER KICKOFF PARTY ! Miracle House is a non-profit organization that provides temporary housing, meals, and advocacy to caregivers and patients coming to New York City for critical medical treatment. Their services consist of three major components: temporary housing, counseling and advocacy!

The event is this Saturday starting at 6 pm til 8 pm at Bridgehampton Tennis and Surf Club for cocktails hosted by Bethany Frankel of Bravo’s THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY.. and singer Jennifer Holliday. If the event goes well… we can hope for a good NYC HOUSEWIFE CAT FIGHT!!! This is followed by a V.I.P. dinner beginning at 8pm. I encourage you to go to the website for MIRACLE HOUSE to learn more about MIRACLE HOUSE and get the details on this amazing amazing organization.

If you’re not going to the dinner you can get caught in what I have no doubt will be another wonderful bump in the already rocky road of what is known as the parking lot of Route 27!!! The former Hampton market in Bridgehampton is now the site of the third Hamptons CITARELLA.. YEAH!!! Now traffic can be backed up straight from Watermill to Ocean Rd. Listen let’s be honest most city residents don’t drive… they use their cars two days a week .. summers only … and think it’s always a good idea to completely stop their car before making a right hand turn off of a busy highway!!! Except the people who work with me… they’re all good drivers… me too!! Look at those treats in the picture above, they’re worth the points on your license and higher insurance premium!!! They also think it’s ok to hit their brakes suddenly to see if they really is that person from their spin class at the gym. Hey, I get it.. i used to be a city driver too… but I have more experience at being a good driver… I’m originally from New Jersey!!!

Finally… who said you can’t find a deal in East Hampton village… right now.. there’s a newly constructed home with 5 bed, 5 bath, on a half acre with gunite pool and garage… just reduced by $1,500,000 and priced close to $2 million. e mail me if you want details!