I have an old friend named Hope, not that she’s old but I’ve known her forever. Anyway, she used to have this idea that New Yorkers are basically masochistic at heart. They loved to be abused. She often toyed with the idea of opening a restaurant named “Insults,” where diners can come for a good meal and get insulted as they dine. Now, I personally loved the idea, I knew it would be successful too! I mean it took the term “home style” to the next level! It was like a Saturday night at my house growing up!!!
Anyway, this theory explains why some of the most popular places on the East End are some of it’s most unfriendly! So where, who , why? Here is my list; THE TOP 5… Hostile Hamptons Hot Spots!!!
1) Navy Beach – Sure the views are great and the crowd is good looking but unless you’re hanging with Giselle or Kate Upton you can forget about getting decent service. I went a few days ago with some of my middle aged friends, yeah the ones in their early 40’s and late 30’s. We couldn’t get the waitress’ attention for anything. The food came out sporadically, some had food others didn’t. When we asked management, it was brought to our attention that the order was too confusing so it was our fault half of us weren’t being fed! As for getting a second round of drinks, I would have been better off going to Gossman’s to get them.
2) Citarella East Hampton – “Excuse me mam’ if I could get a half pound of the Alpine Lace Low Fat Swiss.” “Excuse me.. ?” “Excuse me mam’?!” “Can I get… (she cuts me off) “YEAH I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.” Charming! But if only this were an isolated incident. While the guys in the fish department are actually friendly, it doesn’t make up for the rest of the store. I guess if you don’t enjoy your job, you’re not exactly smiling to the customers. There must be a lot of unhappy people at Citarella.
3) Goldberg’s Bagels (Southampton) – To me the Goldberg’s in Southampton is last chance to get a cup of coffee before hitting the highway. But yet, it’s nothing like going into the Bagdad Cafe. It’s surly city with an exclamation point!!! But unlike other establishments, I know, I actually think I got a handle on why they’re not happy flipping their flagels! It’s the fear of working too close to 27 and the terror they live with that a speeding BMW may one day careen off the highway and create a drive in window! Meanwhile, if you go to Goldberg’s in East Hampton, FRIENDLY, FRIENDLY, FRIENDLY. So I know my 27 theory must be the reason!
4) East Hampton Parking lot behind Walbaum’s – I know it’s not me but EVERYONE in that lot is nasty. Perhaps the fact it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground has something to do with it! It starts with the aggressive drivers and trickles right down to the overly aggressive “brownies” who are no doubt getting paid in Clearasil. The biggest mystery to me is how it could be the nicest beach day of the year…. and that lot will still be packed!!! WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SHOPPING NOW!?!? Do it in the city, it’s easier! Perhaps the heart of the unfriendly is the actual Walbaum’s! Everyone in this place is either annoyed or uninterested! I never went to a Soviet grocery store during the cold war but I imagine it must have been a lot like this; long lines, hostile help and lousy produce… in my opinion anyway.
5) Pierre’s Cafe Bridgehampton – Do I really need to elaborate? It’s French! I’m talking about the little walk in place next door to the restaurant. It’s a little bit of Paris right in the heart of the Hamptons, “you stupid American!”