The menus!!! yess!

HALLELUJAH!  (Yes, I had to look it up to spell correctly)  The Hamptons is ready to enter the 21st century!  Well even though it still feels like 1975 here ( i.e. the IGA in E. Hampton), the folks at POSTMATES have decided to launch in our own quaint little part of the world.   So, I hear you now, “what is POSTMATES?”   Well it’s the only app you need to download this weekend for survival in the Hamptons.   With this app you can get delivery service in under an hour, anywhere from Southampton to Montauk!   PSYCH! That means, you can order from La Fondita (Tacos), The East Hampton Grill (French Dip),  Sam’s (Chicken Parm) and even Levain Bakery (Oatmeal Cookies) and get it delivered right to your front door.  But wait it gets better… seconds after you place the order you’ll get real time tracking information for your order.    Its also available for Android and online at Postmates.com.  Delivery fees start at 5$ and are calculated based on distance along with a 9% service fee which is applied to your order. Let’s hope these guys are the new UBER of Hamptons delivery (but not the UBER of E. Hampton)!    My friend Bernie ordered from POSTMATES last week and had his “Sam’s” at the house in 45 minutes.   But wait, it gets better…. the delivery guy refused to take the tip and was friendly!!!    I mean everyone wants a tip jar now, in fact I just saw one at the DMV last week!   Finally something we really need in the Hamptons!   I only have one question about POSTMATES that has yet to be answered:   Will they deliver one of those hot dogs from Speedway Gas?

This year, like last year my house is becoming a virtual revolving door of guests and relatives.   It’s not that I don’t love ALL my friends and relatives.   BUT every once in a while I hear some of my friends need down time.    So what can they do??   How can they get their guests to leave without being insulting?    Well here are a few easy tricks that will have them running to the Jersey Shore… and perhaps even get you a thank you host/hostess gift in the process!  So here it is…. HOUSE CLEANING 2015!

The Thing Wouldn’t Leave from AFTRS Radio on Vimeo.

Trick 1:  Internet Interception – It’s a fast paced world and one would think that when visiting one of the most beautiful locations on earth, visitors here would actually enjoy shutting the world off!   HA! In the Hamptons where dinner tables are silent only because everyone is texting someone else more interesting at another table, staying in touch is like air to breathe.    So what better way to give a guest a gentle nudge then to cutting off their connection to the world in addition to severing them from Netflix and sending their “Orange is the New Black” addiction into a tailspin…. unplug the wifi router!  Remember, cell service is a joke out here so that wifi signal is also a lifeline to e-mail, Twitter and Facebook!   I know it’s cruel but really aren’t they here to hang with you anyway?

The breakfast of chumps!

Trick 2: The Morning Jolt –  They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day.   So what better way to suck the energy out of the overly intrusive guest then starting their day on the wrong foot!  Here’s how you do it!  You hide the Keurig, the Starbucks and the bagels and instead replace them with something terrifying;   Instant coffee, generic cereal and Tang!    Nothing says you couldn’t care more by spending less!     After day one of having to run to town to actually get something potable and edible your guest will be dreaming of a blanket in Sheep Meadow!   “Trust me guys, Toasted Oats are actually better tasting than Cheerios!  Really!”

Yes, they’ll have a headache and you’ll get rid of one!

Trick 4: The Cold Shoulders – After a hot sweaty day in the beach, there is nothing more refreshing than a nice relaxing shower.   So what’s a guest going to do when the hot water runs out before they have a chance to freshen up!   But alas you won’t have to fib to your guest about a faulty hot water heater, you’ll merely tell them it’s part of your fitness routine…. you know using the cold to burn fat!     Think about this way, you’re also helping them prevent their skin from drying out and invigorating their day since they didn’t have any coffee that morning!     It’s the alternative to Canyon Ranch and the only cost is you leave the house a day early!   As for cleaning off in the pool…. that’s disgusting… shower before swimming.

Trick 4:  Keep it Dry –  Clean the house of all beer, wine and vodka and tell them it’s a booze free zone.   While yes, I know you don’t need a drink to have fun… most Hamptons visitors want their sun and their Rose.   Imagine this, a house full of hungry, sober people with no Internet reception or emails having to sit around talk to each other?     I’d leave too!

REMINDER, this blog was done in the name of helping OTHERS.   All of the guest in my house are welcome to stay as long as they want… family is welcome to stay the entire month of July….. and guests of guests of relatives of guests are also welcome!  ANYTIME!


The Hamptons… We’re Not as Expensive as You Think!

One of the biggest complaints I hear about the Hamptons is that it’s “expensive.”   While it’s a valid complaint when you consider things like the “lobster salad” at Loaves and Fishes (Loans and Finances) with it’s hefty $80+/lb price tag, for the most part we’re not that much different than any other seasonal beach resort.   I’m here to make you feel HAPPY about living on the East End.  Things are expensive in nearly all resort towns and here are that stats to prove it.    Just know I didn’t pick any crazy overpriced outlets, this is a legit comparison.  It’s very scientific statistical analysis too and I should know, I took Stats #202 twice!

Beach Picnic w/ Lobster:
Seafood Shop – Wainscott    $45/person  –  includes lobster, some corn and a few other sides.
Clam Bake to Go – Martha’s Vineyard MA. $38/Person – includes lobster , some corn and a few other sides.
Now, that isn’t too crazy a difference is it?!  But then again, we’re not comparing this to say Seaside Heights NJ.  I mean, let’s not go overboard!
Sam’s Pizza…. pizzzzzzaaaaaaaaaa.
Sam’s Restaurant – East Hampton – $20.50 for a 16″ pepperoni pizza.
Panzone’s Pizza – Beach Haven, LBI – NJ – $19.90 for a 16″ peperoni pizza.
I could have done a comparison here of say Little Caesar’s… but once again pizza-pizza should be compared to pizza-pizza.   Sam’s only serves pizza.  I’m really trying to keep this comparison fair.
Oceanfront Home:
5 Bedroom Oceanfront Home with pool – Longport NJ – $6,595,000 asking price over 5000 s/f
5 Bedroom Oceanfront Home with pool – Southampton (Meadow Lane) -$28,000,000 asking price for over 5000 s/f
Killing property values???
Ok, so when it comes to everything but housing, the Hamptons are a bargain.  As long as you don’t go anywhere too nice, or too expensive and don’t need a place to live!   We’re just like everyone else!  We’re just like small town America, except we have Tiffany, a zillion Ralph Lauren stores, Saint Ambrose and Gwyneth Paltrow.    All we need now is a Wal-Mart!
Finally it’s the home stretch folks, a few days left till Tumbleweed Tuesday.  But guess what I’m already searching for 2014 seasonal rentals.  Seriously!

Bikini Busters… the 7 deadly sweet and savory sins of Hamptons Dining! Plus it’s a time warp in Sag Harbor this weekend.

In case you missed it, a few weeks ago the Wall Street Journal announced that the Hamptons have gone  healthy.    The opening of the new Juice Lane in Wainscott, Soul Cycle and Tracy Anderson apparently have constituted a trend and now we’re all supposed to look like Brangelina.    Well, not so fast WSJ!   While, I’m not saying they’re going to start serving fried Coca Cola at Nick and Toni’s (look it up, it’s a real thing) there are quite a few pot holes and road blocks on the road to wellness here in the Hamptons.    So, here are my favorites and I hope you find as tempting as I do…

Dangerous territory!

1) Sam’s- East Hampton – It’s the pizza and chicken Parmesan that get me every time.     The cheese is thick on both and the sauce is thick and tasty, just like my mama never made (she was Lithuanian and Irish neither which are known for good cuisine).

2) Round Swamp Farm- East Hampton – What’s not to like?!  The cinnamon buns, the coffee cake, the guacamole, the chicken salad, the chocolate chip cookies…. oh, the list goes on and on your gut!    This place is not where you want to go while dieting.    I dare you to go into there and leave with just one thing!  It’s not going to happen!

3) Dreesen’s Donuts at Scoop Du Jour – East Hampton –  The donuts are freshly made and need I say more!?   It’s deep fried dough with sugar!   You could serve me deep fried wood with sugar and I bet I’d eat it but the dough is a little easier to chew…. fluffier too!

4) Bobby Van’s – Bridgehampton – If you’re allergic to shellfish you may want to avoid the shrimp nachos at Bobby Van’s.  But if you’re not, get ready for a spicy blob of shrimp, chips, jalapenos, guacamole and enough cheese to keep Lipitor profitable for the next century.    Yeah, the Chinese Chicken Salad is good too but for some reason it doesn’t seem as decadent.

Yeah, they look sweet and innocent at Mary’s.

5) Mary’s Marvelous – Amagansett – When Ina Garten shuttered the Barefoot Contessa years ago, I went into a deep depression.  WHERE WILL I BUY MY COCONUT CUPCAKES?!    Yes, I could go buy Ina’s cake mix but that would leave evidence around the house.    Luckily Mary’s is there to fill the void!   Her sandwiches and muffins are great too but it’s the coconut cupcake that is the standout!    If you don’t know my cousins Eileen and GiGi or Ina for some CC’s of lovin’ (as I call them) make sure you go to Mary’s and eat them there.   Coconut shreds are often a dead give away.

6) Fresno – East Hampton –  Tons of good stuff on the menu and a bar/restaurant scene that’s fun and unpretentious is what keeps me going back to this East End staple.    From some of the same people that bring you Red Bar and Beacon this is the closest to my house so I’m a little biased.  I’m also terminally in love with the Sticky Toffee cake desert.   I also drool over their …staff… I mean burgers and fries.   Gosh, I only hope I look attractive in my Sans-a-belt pants with Spanx
when I got there next time!!!?

Fat Free Biscuits at Grill…NOT!

7) The East Hampton Grill – Yeah, I know I write a lot about this place.  I’m the mayor on foursquare.com and yes they know my name ( no, smarty pants I tip well so that’s not the reason!).    The buttermilk biscuits, the ribs and the home made hot fudge (that I think comes with Ice Cream) are all impossible to avoid.  Although I don’t eat them all together at the same time…. hey wait… hot fudge on ribs and buttermilk biscuits on the side… no stop it… wait…

On an entirely different note, they’re having a Soap Box Derby this weekend in Sag Harbor.   The big event will take place this Sunday afternoon on High Street.   The festivities will begin with a parade down Main Street at 1pm (they have a parade for everything in Sag Harbor) followed by the big race on High Street.     While my 25 year old nephew had no clue what a soap box derby was, I proudly told him to keep an eye out for the kids named Spanky McFarland and Alfalfa Switzer.   They’re both heavily favored to win!    There’s still no word if Darla and Petey will be there.

East Hampton puts a colorful best food forward… taco scouting… and some Saturday Night Spring Fever!

It’s been a book store, a toy store and in my head a to-go panini cafe for Sam’s Restaurant!   But alas my dream was not to be and instead we got a colorful new woman’s apparel shop.. Signs are up and construction is under way for a new shop from Jack Rogers USA.   Now I don’t know much about them.  If it isn’t leather or a sneaker, it’s a $10 flip flop on my feet during the summer.    So I did my homework and here’s what I found out about what is billed as colorful footwear at a good price.

According to their website, American in spirit, Jack Rogers was born out of resort style but has evolved into a lifestyle collection of year round pieces.  From the Navajo’s iconic whipstitching and rondelle motif to our full collection of footwear handbags and fashions, out designs exude a confident , born with it sense of style.  They’re the pieces that take you form an afternoon bike ride to evening cocktails and the ones you never forget to pack , where ever your headed.  A pop of color, an unexpected detail, a feeling of coming home… no matter where you are that’s Jack Roger’s.”   AHHHHHHH I feel warm and fuzzy already!  Welcome to the Hamptons Jack Rogers!   I just hope I don’t step on your clients well fashioned toes this summer.  That was a literal not a figurative comment!

Meanwhile, I had a few friends over for dinner last night.  So, I headed to Peter Ambrose’s Hampton Seafood Company in East Hampton.  It wasn’t my first time there but it was an eye opener for me.  I didn’t know this but they have a great to go menu!  I was also thrilled to see they have FISH TACOS on the menu!   Not only were they great, thew were on sale for their “happy hour” menu at a reduced price from 4:30 pm to closing!!! The guys told me the tacos were a Thursday night special so get your butt over there next Thursday and try them!!    If you want you can check out their daily specials on their facebook page.  The location is right on the corner of Railroad Avenue and Race Lane in East Hampton, across from the train station (duh, Railroad Avenue).    Open from 10:30 to 6:30  631-324-9244.

Finally (do I say that every posting?)  if your looking for something to do this Saturday night, I suggest the Parish Art Museum’s Spring Fling!  I’ll be there… but you should go anyway, just ignore me!    At this point, tickets are $225 and less for members but don’t sweat it, it’s all for a good cause!  They’ll have drinks, hors d’oeuvres from Art of Eating and music form Todd Barie Music.  So support culture on the East End, come bid on the great auction items and buy your tickets right here!!!!!!