Summary of Summer ’17

I know I’ve been a bit remiss in writing my blog this summer.     But while I’m sure none of you lost sleep awaiting my latest post, at least know you’re always reading something relatively fresh.    I mean how easy would it be to turn this into a “Men’s Health” type blog where I just repeat the same old stories with different fonts over and over again. “How lose 20 lbs by Labor Day, How to Have Your Best Summer Ever, Bathing Suits for Every Build.”  Blah Blah Blah.

In the meantime, I have so many things I wanted to write about over the course of the past few months but I never had time to put finger to key or at least the focus.     So rather than do one long coherent post, I’m just going to let it all out.   So, now here are my observations during the summer of ’17 on the East End and my hopes for next year.

Wifi cafe icon set
SUMMER OF ’18… NOT AT MY HOUSE!

 

  • Next summer, I will be hooking up a for pay wi-fi system at my house.    The first 24 hours are free, after that it’s $99.00 a day.    I mean are you here to visit me or watch Netflix?!
  • “Casual” in the Hamptons means only 3 people insult your outfit.
  • It’s really not cool to gasp at another person’s sunburn.   Yes, it hurts and the look of horror doesn’t help in any way what soever.
  • How does one get a speeding ticket on Rt. 27 in the Summer????
  • If you’re under 5’1” then maybe driving a Range Rover two days a week for three months a year isn’t really a good idea.    Doing it while texting is an ever worse idea. May I suggest maybe getting a Smart Car and leaving the phone on the seat beside you!?
  • When driving west, isn’t it a little weird that Stephen Hands is so close to Daniels Hole?
  • My favorite overheard conversation at the Golden Pear, “She wore Lululemon to her f*****g wedding!”
  • Next year, I dare restaurants in the Hamptons to offer discounts for people who leave their smart phones in the car!  I really think it would actually improve things more than you think.
  • Speaking of restaurants… I’m sorry but if I am paying more than $25 for an entree, I don’t want to hear your kids screaming in my ears at dinner.  If you can afford the entree you can afford a baby sitter for an hour.
  • Finally, September is really the best month in the Hamptons.    But please don’t tell anyone or write a stupid blog telling others.   Let’s just keep it between us.

 

JUST YOUR AVERAGE HAMPTONS LUNCH….

CELL PHONE PEOPLE

 

7 RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT THE HAMPTONS SUMMER ’16!

One of the fun things about writing this blog is the fact it’s a blog.     This isn’t done for any other reason than my own amusement.   I can write thoughts and impressions on just about everything, except relatives.   That being said, today I’m just jotting some really tangential thoughts about living on the east end.   In no particular order of importance are my unrelated musings about my little part of the world this summer.

Life in the fast lane…….

1)  Do they really need speed traps on Route 27 when the average speed on weekends is about 10 miles an hour?     Seriously, I’ve noticed this over and over again.   Considering traffic is worse this year than last (yes, we say this every year) I don’t understand.    Maybe there* not actually speed
traps and instead just looking for the next Range Rover to go by with an inexperienced driver texting like mad on the way to Tracy Anderson.   Speaking of which….

2)  Wouldn’t it be great if they opened a Planet Fitness next to Tracy Anderson in Water Mill!?    I don’t know why but I just find this idea so appealing.   Come to think of it, let’s open a Ben and Jerry’s on the other side.

3)  I’m over screaming children in restaurants…. when I was a kid, my parents would have killed (me) if I ran around and screamed in a public space.   But then again,  the only two restaurants my parents ever took me to were Rustler Steak House and Perkins Pancakes.   Anyway, we digress.   The bottom line is I’m not spending top dollar to eat out and have your kid scream in my ear!  When my nieces and nephews were little and screaming, I wouldn’t go to do dinner with them so I’m sure as hell not having dinner with your kid!  I know I sound cranky but whatever.    I also want to say your kid isn’t that cute!

4)  There is nothing better than taking a boat at twilight and heading to dinner.   Especially when it’s someone else’s boat!!!

5)  Is it really worth $100 for a pound of Lobster Salad?

Season’s Greetings… it could be July 4th!

6) If you’re being honored by a particular charity and asked to make a speech, please make it about the charity and not about yourself.  “I’m so busy but I find time… my personal assistant has been swamped…. my new shoes hur!”  UGH! Really?   Hamptons residents are very generous and love supporting the charities of their choice and…. squirrel… make sure to buy tickets for Gimme Shelter Animal Rescue benefit next week it’s a good one… also the LGBT Network’s Sunset on the Harbor….. but please don’t mistake my donation as an invitation to go on about YOU!

7) Finally,  I was taught long ago you never go to someone’s house for dinner empty handed.    I think it’s a nice practice.   But for the love of g-d, if you’re going to re-gift the bottle of wine you received two weeks earlier at your dinner party take the old tag off.     Oh, and by the way if I’m the one who brings said bottle back to your house, please don’t let everyone know!   Maybe I didn’t like that cheap garbage you gave me!!!

*yeah I know it should be they’re… I’m just getting even with the grammar police!

Things I learned this Summer ! Plus …Kickin’ butt on the web!

So what did I learn the past summer in the Hamptons? TONS… let me share with you a few of the things.

1) Free internet exists on the Long Island Expressway! All you have to do is drive the two hours behind the Jitney and your Zip Car is now an office on wheels! Send e mails… do research and look at actor Mark Feurstein (They guy from Royal Pains- I don’t know him either) for the entire two hours! Thank you Hampton Jitney and please only use this service when your a passenger!!! DID I REALLY NEED TO SAY THAT!? YEP! Speaking of which…

2) You must assume every driver during the summer is texting while driving. I’ve seen more Range Rovers plow through cross walks this summer than ever before. I’m surprised more people weren’t killed this summer all because someone had to tell their girlfriend they were “LOL”-ing!

3) Jodi Della Famina ruined every single back of the road “short cut” in the Hamptons! Traffic now get’s backed up on Scuttle Hole Road on a TUESDAY!! #$****$#!!

4) Thursday is the new Friday and Monday is the new Sunday. How come when I worked in the city, I had to work every Friday and Monday? (Insert working at Roy Rogers joke here) What do these people do for a living? I mean is everyone a trust funder??!

5) There’s a new word in the Hamptons vocabulary. It’s called Madoffreude! It’s kind of like Schadenfreude .. you know where people derive pleasure from the misfortunes of others. Madoffreude is taking great pleasure in the fact that someone you know of got ripped off by Bernie Madoff.

Wasn’t it just a great summer!?

Finally a little bragging about where I work. I’m a little biased yes, but Prudential Dougals Elliman just launched it’s new $1,000,000+ web site this week and wow!! What am I talking about ?!?!? It’s a cross between facebook and cracK…the equivelent of real estate narcotics.. totally addicting! The full screen images, the tracking of listings and the fact that it also has the listings from PDE and other companies as well really makes this a game changer! So if you’re thinking about searching for a property on say the UPPER WEST SIDE or Soho.. why go to 4 or 5 different websites you can look on just one! Cool huh!? Go to www.elliman.com and register on the site to get updates about new listings that fit your criteria. You may want to pick an agent’s name when you register… AHEM… or not… either way go to site and check it out!

Change, Change, Change…. or maybe not and your friend who got a $40,000 oceanfront rental is lying!

I keep hearing everyone talk about how “The Hamptons have changed so much over the past few years.” Well, I beg to differ. I’ve compiled a list of things that are still the same out east. And remember as Carly Simon sang, “these are the good old days.”

The best steak place in town is still The Palm.

Sushi is still free Thursday nights at Bamboo.

The bagels at Hampton Bagels on North Main are still the best.

The staff at Bagel Buoy in Sag Harbor is still nasty.

The American Hotel still has a great Saturday night bar crowd.

The lines at Walbaums in East Hampton are still way too long.

Friday night at Almond is still a bad place for DWF’s to meet SWM’s but hey, it’s still fun!

Howie at Paradise is still the best bar tender.

Driving out on Friday night to the Hamptons can still take almost as much time as flying from NY to LA. Thank god we know Howie!

I’ll still have to wait in line to get into Georgica.

There are still no $40,000 oceanfront summer rentals in Bridgehampton despite what your friend’s friend is saying.

The East Hampton police still hit the beach at 9:01a on weekends to ticket dog owners.

You still need a mortgage to get a lunch at the Golden Pear.

And finally… the donuts at Scoop Du Jour are still just as good as when they were Dresen’s.

So stop your belly aching folks and just enjoy the summer!!!

Finally… If you read this blog than you know about Russell my new terrorist… I mean dog. Anyway, he’s here thanks to the folks at Last Chance Animal Rescue Fund of the Hamptons. Russell is also a big martini drinker so it only makes sense that he and I attend the first annual “Martini’s for Mutts” to benefit the Last Chance Animal Rescue Fund, on Saturday, Aug. 29, from 5 p.m to 8 p.m. Yeah, I’m giving you plenty of advance notice.

Enjoy an evening of poolside cocktails to benefit this most worthy cause at the home of Edward Montak and Michelle Neufeld, at 214 Toppings Path in Sagaponack.

Last Chance Animal Rescue Fund is a charitable, not-for-profit organization, created to save the lives of animals. The organization states “We rescue animals that are located in “KILL” facilities and underwrite the costs of relocating them to “NO KILL” facilities in hopes of finding them a forever family. The minimum donation is $30. RSVP at neufeld.michelle@gmail.com.

http://www.lcarf.org/about.php

Also, look for last years weekly afternoon tea dance to be relocated to Bamboo in East Hampton. Details to come…