The menus!!! yess!

HALLELUJAH!  (Yes, I had to look it up to spell correctly)  The Hamptons is ready to enter the 21st century!  Well even though it still feels like 1975 here ( i.e. the IGA in E. Hampton), the folks at POSTMATES have decided to launch in our own quaint little part of the world.   So, I hear you now, “what is POSTMATES?”   Well it’s the only app you need to download this weekend for survival in the Hamptons.   With this app you can get delivery service in under an hour, anywhere from Southampton to Montauk!   PSYCH! That means, you can order from La Fondita (Tacos), The East Hampton Grill (French Dip),  Sam’s (Chicken Parm) and even Levain Bakery (Oatmeal Cookies) and get it delivered right to your front door.  But wait it gets better… seconds after you place the order you’ll get real time tracking information for your order.    Its also available for Android and online at Postmates.com.  Delivery fees start at 5$ and are calculated based on distance along with a 9% service fee which is applied to your order. Let’s hope these guys are the new UBER of Hamptons delivery (but not the UBER of E. Hampton)!    My friend Bernie ordered from POSTMATES last week and had his “Sam’s” at the house in 45 minutes.   But wait, it gets better…. the delivery guy refused to take the tip and was friendly!!!    I mean everyone wants a tip jar now, in fact I just saw one at the DMV last week!   Finally something we really need in the Hamptons!   I only have one question about POSTMATES that has yet to be answered:   Will they deliver one of those hot dogs from Speedway Gas?

This year, like last year my house is becoming a virtual revolving door of guests and relatives.   It’s not that I don’t love ALL my friends and relatives.   BUT every once in a while I hear some of my friends need down time.    So what can they do??   How can they get their guests to leave without being insulting?    Well here are a few easy tricks that will have them running to the Jersey Shore… and perhaps even get you a thank you host/hostess gift in the process!  So here it is…. HOUSE CLEANING 2015!

The Thing Wouldn’t Leave from AFTRS Radio on Vimeo.

Trick 1:  Internet Interception – It’s a fast paced world and one would think that when visiting one of the most beautiful locations on earth, visitors here would actually enjoy shutting the world off!   HA! In the Hamptons where dinner tables are silent only because everyone is texting someone else more interesting at another table, staying in touch is like air to breathe.    So what better way to give a guest a gentle nudge then to cutting off their connection to the world in addition to severing them from Netflix and sending their “Orange is the New Black” addiction into a tailspin…. unplug the wifi router!  Remember, cell service is a joke out here so that wifi signal is also a lifeline to e-mail, Twitter and Facebook!   I know it’s cruel but really aren’t they here to hang with you anyway?

The breakfast of chumps!

Trick 2: The Morning Jolt –  They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day.   So what better way to suck the energy out of the overly intrusive guest then starting their day on the wrong foot!  Here’s how you do it!  You hide the Keurig, the Starbucks and the bagels and instead replace them with something terrifying;   Instant coffee, generic cereal and Tang!    Nothing says you couldn’t care more by spending less!     After day one of having to run to town to actually get something potable and edible your guest will be dreaming of a blanket in Sheep Meadow!   “Trust me guys, Toasted Oats are actually better tasting than Cheerios!  Really!”

Yes, they’ll have a headache and you’ll get rid of one!

Trick 4: The Cold Shoulders – After a hot sweaty day in the beach, there is nothing more refreshing than a nice relaxing shower.   So what’s a guest going to do when the hot water runs out before they have a chance to freshen up!   But alas you won’t have to fib to your guest about a faulty hot water heater, you’ll merely tell them it’s part of your fitness routine…. you know using the cold to burn fat!     Think about this way, you’re also helping them prevent their skin from drying out and invigorating their day since they didn’t have any coffee that morning!     It’s the alternative to Canyon Ranch and the only cost is you leave the house a day early!   As for cleaning off in the pool…. that’s disgusting… shower before swimming.

Trick 4:  Keep it Dry –  Clean the house of all beer, wine and vodka and tell them it’s a booze free zone.   While yes, I know you don’t need a drink to have fun… most Hamptons visitors want their sun and their Rose.   Imagine this, a house full of hungry, sober people with no Internet reception or emails having to sit around talk to each other?     I’d leave too!

REMINDER, this blog was done in the name of helping OTHERS.   All of the guest in my house are welcome to stay as long as they want… family is welcome to stay the entire month of July….. and guests of guests of relatives of guests are also welcome!  ANYTIME!


An Über Bad Problem… Calling Der Kommissar!

One of my favorite apps in the world UBER is adding fuel to an already raging fire and has more than a few Hamptonite’s lederhosen in bunches!   They’ve offering rides between NYC and the east end through a helicopter site called Blade.    These “UBER CHOPPER” rides are a flat rate of $2500 for a five seat chopper ride.  This is just another reason the battle for quiet skies is getting louder on the East End.  New helicopter routes and flying patterns are making life a thunderous hell for thousands of residents at all hours of the day and night in the Hamptons.   In fact, according to sources complaints about air traffic noise have tripled in just one year alone!


That’s why you’re likely seeing some new bumper stickers around town declaring “HELICOPTERS SUCK – JUST SAY NO TO HTO.”     A quick tutorial now, HTO is the FAA code for East Hampton Airport.     Anyway, In my assessment and I’m no expert, it’s more than just a quality of life issue that has residents and officials concerned.   It’s also simple economics effecting the housing markets and tax base.   I know I hear the argument, the helicopters help create jobs.   But a few pilots from Teterboro or Rockaway are not exactly a boom to local business.   The bottom line is hundreds of residents are filing for tax reductions due to the constant thunder resulting in an alleged decrease of property values.    So wait, let me see if I get this right … a few pilot jobs in New Jersey versus a decreasing tax base here in the Hamptons?    Anyway, one way to help stop this register a complaint.   Go to the towns web site next time your house is being buzzed and you feel like you’re living through you’re own personal “Airport ’75.”   File a complaint here at the noise complaint website and have your voice heard (hopefully over the engine and blade noise).     

Activist against the airport noise are not trying to ban the traffic all together but rather limiting the hours of the facility.    Learn more from the Quiet Skies Coalition!    I mean really, LAX closes at 11 pm but East Hampton Airport stays open all night?!    A 24 Hour airport really?!   We don’t even have a shoe repair, doggie daycare, good Mexican restaurant but we’re the town that never sleeps according to the airport!   Besides everyone who saw Jaws 2 knows helicopters and beaches don’t mix!