The future home of Home Goods in Wainscott.
In case you haven’t been paying attention, there’s been a lot of complaining about the new Home Goods Store currently under construction in Wainscott.    The building has been criticized for everything from being too close to the road to out of character for the Hamptons!   Really people?  Really?   It has cedar shingles, dormers and is no bigger than some guest cottages here on the east end.  It’s also alot better looking than the old Plitt Ford car dealership.  So why all the fuss?!!!  Well I guess some people here in the Hamptons have nothing else better to do.  So, that’s I’m here to put some of these Debbie and Donald Downers in line.   Besides, if you people stop the new Home Goods from coming to town, where else will I be able to buy an irregular coffee table, brand new Patrick Nagel prints or discontinued Isaac Mizrahi soap dishes?   In fact, there are bigger ugly fish to fry.  So, how about doing something with these local eyesores?

Located at the Hamptons Jitney stop in Wainscott, these cement benches are part of the welcome gate to some of the most expensive real estate in the country.    But admit it, you too thought they look like someone plucked them straight out of Pinelawn.  There is nothing attractive about these benches.   How about some Adirondack Chairs or perhaps a nice rope hammock? Those would be more Hamptons and you won’t need a Mary grotto to make it look complete!

A yabba dabba don’t!

It’s dusty, it’s rocky and it looks more like the gateway to Bedrock than the Hamptons!   Hello why can’t they make the quarry of Southampton Masonry more attractive!?   Yes, it’s a quarry but there is no reason they can’t plant some nice shrubs or something.  I mean,  use your imagination people!   Hire a talented landscaper and put some flair back on route 27.   Since it’s a rock pit and already looks like a home for a prehistoric family, why not add a Bedrock/Flintstones theme?!  Stop by the place in Southampton with all the dinosaurs out front.   I personally would love to see some Dino or Fred topiary!   It could be the year round Pumpkintown for Wainscott.   Besides, selling $20 juice boxes and souvenir photos with Fred and Wilma could be very profitable.

Holy creepazoids Batman, how come nobody is complaining about this seasoned greeting in Wainscott? Is it the pale complexion? Is it the beady eyes or the gaping open mouth that I find so odd?   I’m frightened every time I drive by!   This Santa looks like he’s an advertisement for Jerry Sandusky’s Christmas Kayaking adventure Camp.   I have nothing against Main Beach surf shop, Kayaks or even Santa but that mannequin is scarier than H-E-Double hockey sticks!!   There has to be a friendlier looking figure to go into this boat ? What about a real guy in Santa outfit or simplify with some holiday lights on a kayak without anybody on board?
Let’s hide behind the chainsaws!

You know that commercial for Geico on the air now?  It’s a group of teenagers running away from a Freddy Kruger kind of character and they make a “bad decision” and run into a creepy barn with chainsaws everywhere… well they filmed that here.   Yes, the former Star Room and Swamp location is scarier now than it was when it was littered with self entitled 20-somethings driving their Ferrari’s and Lamborgini’s and sipping $1000 bottles of D.P. at their reserved tables.   I’m not sure why this building hasn’t sold yet…. all it needs is some paint and a bulldozer!    Hey, what ever happened to CVS going in there anyway?

Finally, there is “Home Sweet Home Moving and Storage.”   It’s a good moving company and in fact, I recommend them to clients frequently.  But address the elephant in the room.  There is NOTHING “homey” or “sweet” about corrugated tin buildings.    Perhaps if they did a big needle point on the side of the building it would seem a lot more home sweet home like.  Think the old logo for the game show “Family Feud” being placed on the side of the building.

Time to wrap this up.  Other than the simple fear of an unintended drive through, the building is attractive and done by a group of professionals who in my opinion did a good job of keeping within the area’s aesthetic.    The business will bring jobs to the area and help a lot of residents pull a home together on a tight budget.    Let’s not waste our breath complaining about what is essentially a nice building that will help the community while there are empty shelves at the food pantries and actual homeless folks on the street!  Happy Holidays and remember you are lucky and blessed you live in one of the most beautiful places on earth!

The Hamptons… We’re Not as Expensive as You Think!

One of the biggest complaints I hear about the Hamptons is that it’s “expensive.”   While it’s a valid complaint when you consider things like the “lobster salad” at Loaves and Fishes (Loans and Finances) with it’s hefty $80+/lb price tag, for the most part we’re not that much different than any other seasonal beach resort.   I’m here to make you feel HAPPY about living on the East End.  Things are expensive in nearly all resort towns and here are that stats to prove it.    Just know I didn’t pick any crazy overpriced outlets, this is a legit comparison.  It’s very scientific statistical analysis too and I should know, I took Stats #202 twice!

Beach Picnic w/ Lobster:
Seafood Shop – Wainscott    $45/person  –  includes lobster, some corn and a few other sides.
Clam Bake to Go – Martha’s Vineyard MA. $38/Person – includes lobster , some corn and a few other sides.
Now, that isn’t too crazy a difference is it?!  But then again, we’re not comparing this to say Seaside Heights NJ.  I mean, let’s not go overboard!
Sam’s Pizza…. pizzzzzzaaaaaaaaaa.
Sam’s Restaurant – East Hampton – $20.50 for a 16″ pepperoni pizza.
Panzone’s Pizza – Beach Haven, LBI – NJ – $19.90 for a 16″ peperoni pizza.
I could have done a comparison here of say Little Caesar’s… but once again pizza-pizza should be compared to pizza-pizza.   Sam’s only serves pizza.  I’m really trying to keep this comparison fair.
Oceanfront Home:
5 Bedroom Oceanfront Home with pool – Longport NJ – $6,595,000 asking price over 5000 s/f
5 Bedroom Oceanfront Home with pool – Southampton (Meadow Lane) -$28,000,000 asking price for over 5000 s/f
Killing property values???
Ok, so when it comes to everything but housing, the Hamptons are a bargain.  As long as you don’t go anywhere too nice, or too expensive and don’t need a place to live!   We’re just like everyone else!  We’re just like small town America, except we have Tiffany, a zillion Ralph Lauren stores, Saint Ambrose and Gwyneth Paltrow.    All we need now is a Wal-Mart!
Finally it’s the home stretch folks, a few days left till Tumbleweed Tuesday.  But guess what I’m already searching for 2014 seasonal rentals.  Seriously!

Put down the cookie! There’s 40 some odd days till Memorial Day!

You bought the beach pass, you have the Vilebrequin, the Herve Legere and the Birkin.    It’s official you’re ready to hit the beach, as long as you don’t have to pass a mirror first.  Yeah, all of those holiday cookies, turkey, ham, brisket and chocolates have finally taken their toll.    Well have no fear, I’ve done the research for you and if you’re willing to put on your sneakers you’ll be looking like Keira Knightly after a juice cleanse in no time!

It wasn’t that long ago when a new spin studio that I can’t remember it’s name (unless I read one of my old postings) opened and disappeared faster than the free food at a real estate brokers open house.   This time around Westhampton Beach’s CrossFit Hamptons is going into the location.    I stopped by the other day and apparently  classes are already underway.  If you want more details on times and class schedules you can visit their website.   www.cfhamptons.com   If you mention P-11 for some reason they’ll even give you a free week.

Also, some of your old favorites are back and ready for the Summer of ’13.    I’m getting tired so I’m just going to give you the lowdown on some of the more popular places to work up a sweat on the east end.  In no particular order…..
1) SOULCYCLE – 68 Newtown Lane, East Hampton.   The funky spin classes that you can hear on the street are back again for another season.   www.soul-cycle.com
Best Reason to Go – It’s one heck of a workout and the instructors are more like coaches than drill seargents.
Reason Not to Go – Cult like following.  Friends of mine talk about SoulCyle like it’s the Scientology of fitness and that just scares me.
2) FLYWHEEL – 65 Montauk Highway, East Hampton next to the bowling alley.  Also in the Summers at Sag Harbor Gym, 1 Bay Street Sag Harbor.   This is the place with “stadium” bikes where they post your workout on a monitor for all to see.  So if you’re looking for mellow workout this isn’t where you want to go. www.flywheelsports.com
Best Reason to Go – A great work out and some good celebrity spotting at virtually every class.
Reason Not to Go – They post your work out on a monitor and that’s not fun when you’re trying to sweat out the alcohol from the night before!
3) B East – 199 Main Street, Amagansett.   Call it spinning with a twist or an angle.  B East features “core bikes” which actually turn and twist to give you more of a workout.   I have to admit, they’re a little scary at first for the uncoordinated like moi but if you just relax you’ll eventually get the hang of it.   www.eastfit.com
Best Reason to Go –  A more casual and fun atmosphere.  Not everyone there is in Lululemon!
Reason Not to Go – It’s next to Mary’s “friggin” Marvelous!  A workout doesn’t count if you have the amazing tuna salad followed by a coconut cupcake chaser after the class.  Screw the class I’m hungry!
4) Barry’s Bootcamp – 352 Montauk Highway, Wainscott. Now I’ve never been but they have locations everywhere from London to LA.  According to their website “Since 1998, Barry’s Bootcamp has revolutionized group fitness by delivering “The Best Workout in the World” to a legendary following, including many celebrities.”   Their gyms also feature “night club lighting, urban décor.”  Hmmmmmm… I’m not so sure about that last part.    www.barrysbootcamp.com
Best Reason to Go –   Easy parking in the Wainscott shopping center.
Reason Not to Go – It’s a boot camp!!!
Finally, everyone has been talking about those two Wall Street guys that were stupid enough to leave notes trying to cut out the broker after being shown properties out east.   Do you really think this is the first time this has happened?

As far as I know… no bedbugs in the Hamptons… but we seem to need a lot of beds!!! Plus good bagel…bad cupcake!

Ok, remember that fancy men’s store Belhause in Wainscott. Yeah, they were trying to be the Fred Segal or Jeffrey of the Hamptons and it just didn’t work. Well back in December of 2009, the show was loaded up and shipped out in the middle of the night. Literally!

Well, the space has now been occupied. So, is it a good Mexican restuarant? A Pottery Barn? A gourmet market like Whole Foods or Trader Joes? Is it anything we really want in the Hamptons!? Wishful thinking folks, it’s a Sleepy’s! YES… ANOTHER SLEEPY’S!!! Now, by my count that makes 5 for the Hamptons area from Hampton Bays to East Hampton!! I know there is a need with rentals for new mattresses every now and then but do we really need 5!!!? Maybe folks in the Hamptons are sluttier and more promiscuous than I thought. I have visions of mattress filled rooms with weekly bacchinals all season long! Of course we need more mattresses! By the way, I bought all of the mattresses at my house at… you guessed it, Sleepy’s! If you dont’ have a Sleepy’s near you, visit them at www.sleepys.com

Now a quick note of caution. I want to first say, I love Twice Upon A Bagel. They have some of the best bagels in town and their sandwiches are pretty awesome. The problem I have is with their cupcakes, they’re two for two with me. Both times I bought cupcakes there (and I’m not talking buying the day olds) they were stale! They were like little confectionary rocks with sprinkles!! Come on guys, good bagels… great tuna salad… great salmon.. YOU CAN DO BETTER. So my advice is buy the bagels but skip the cupcakes. By the way, please don’t say it. I know I shouldn’t be buying cupcakes anyway.