I know it might sound shocking to some but I’m not originally from the Hamptons. Yes, many think I’m the quintessential Hamptonite. But here’s my deep, dark secret…. I actually grew up in New Jersey…. but it gets worse… South Jersey! Yes, a place where something called Scrapple (google it if you don’t know – but don’t say I didn’t warn you) is considered gourmet, water is pronounced “worder” and the differences between peeing in the pool and into the pool are debatable. Yet, after being here now for more than 20 years, I’ve become jaded.
Yet, while there are certain things that many on the outside already know about life in the Hamptons… the fun of a good star sighting… (You know sitting next to Jack Nicholson at The Grill – yep I did),.. $25.00 containers of guacamole or the insane price of real estate.. there are a few things that only those who really live here can understand. Things that would make the average jaw drop in say, Ohio (are you reading Laura D?) that we here on the East End completely take for granted. So here are a few of my observations that only people on the inside will understand as everyday life as we know it in the Hamptons.
Valet Service at the Hospital – Where I grew up, the only valet I ever experienced for medical treatment involved an ambulance. But here in the Hamptons we have valet service! Yes, you can drop off your BMW or Tesla as your holding your blood soaked bandages on that gushing wound and get a free claim ticket! I know, its just as glamorous as it sounds and almost as fancy as taking a “Blade” helicopter to Stony Brook.Oblivious Texting and Walking – Perhaps the reason so many are using that valet service is because they were claiming their G*d given right to text and walk without looking. Yes, it doesn’t matter if your crossing Main Street or 27 in the Hamptons, if you’re texting and walking there is no need to look. It’s the drivers or bicyclists obligation to be on the lookout for you! Ugh… I know I get it… pedestrians have the right away but there is a certain amount of responsibility we all need to take. But only on the East End is this sort of behavior not only tolerated its commonplace and it’s something I guess we’re all kind of used to seeing.
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| Cancel all appointments… I’m getting my car washed. |
Fistfights at Yoga – Well in the parking lot to be more exact. Why? Because there’s no parking… there’s no parking… there’s no parking! I don’t care if I’m there to find my center, if you take my space while I’m waiting you’re toast! It’s a scenario that’s more common than you think and is also a frequent scene at that other hub of zen, Soulcycle. Now let’s go to the Golden Pear and get an iced coffee!
Taking an Hour to Get Your Car Washed – UGH! OK, it’s a lot better in Hampton Bays but in Southampton it’s like sitting through a Merchant-Ivory production. SLOOOOOOOOOOWWWW. Now, I don’t think it’s the fault of the staff but the simple fact they’re the only game in town that makes this a most exhausting endeavor. “I’m sorry, I’m not taking appointments on Wednesday.. I’m getting my car washed!”
Overdressed Ice Cream Stands – If you’ve ever been to Olaf’s, Scoop Du Jour or Sant Ambroeus… especially the latter on a hot summer night, you know the Hamptons has it’s own dress code. This ain’t no Dairy Queen in Idaho…. You’ll stick out like a sore thumb if you dare wear a Harley T-shirt, Docker’s shorts or even rubber flip flops. It’s designer duds for double dipping. But don’t think any trendy outfit will do. Hamptonites have put the Blah in Manolo Blahniks… its more than just shoes… you need to be decked from head to toe when you order that Mint Chip no-sugar added lactose-fat free gelato. Yes, consider it a dairy themed “Mean Girls.”
But everyone, please know living here hasn’t changed me at all. I’m still a softy at hearty. Now, like everyone else out here I don’t judge people by their race, religion or sexual preference.. I judge them by the car they drive (yes I stole that from Ellen Degeneres).