Restaurant: Nick and Toni’s , The Palm or the American Hotel.
What does it say: If it’s on a Friday or Saturday night.. it means they have connections. They’re also not short on cash and willing to go head to head with some of the biggest attitudes in the Hamptons. If they order the zucchini chips (at N&T) or onion rings (Palm) they’re daring… not afraid of calories because they’ll be at the gym in the morning. It also says, they really know the menu. If one of the hostesses or maitre d’s say “hello,” you know they’re doing well because they obviously slipped one of them a few buck$ for Christmas. They deserve a least a second date or to go a few bases. If you’re date is on a Sunday or prixe-fixe night, it’s up to your discretion.
Underlying issues: My advice would be to avoid any topics or conversations dealing with the following: ex-wives, alimony or investing with Bernie Madoff.
Restaurant: Matto
What does it say: Chances are your date is a summer renter here in the Hamptons. They’re still new to the scene so if you’re waiting for that invitation to Jerry Seinfeld’s residence forget it. If this is a first date, finish the evening and change your cell number. You can do better.
Underlying issues: Avoid topics relating to home ownership in the Hamptons, real estate, St. Barth’s at Christmas and flying coach versus first class.
What does it say: Your date obviously knows some of the hidden treasures of the Hamptons. It also says, they’re willing to go to a quiet place and they’re not afraid to hold a conversation with you. They’re smart and into the finer things in life. Confident and not afraid to spend a little extra for something special. Now, I want to be clear we’re talking about the upstairs restaurant here… if you end up in the downstairs pub it only says one thing to me; THEY’RE MARRIED!
Underlying issues: If your upstairs you can pretty much discuss anything, they obviously are open and willing to talk. If your DOWNSTAIRS avoid discussing wives, mistresses, explaining difficult things to children and commuting to the city from Nassau County.
Restaurant: Almond
What does it say: If it’s Friday night and he’s taking you to Almond, he’s gay! If you already knew he was gay… then just enjoy he probably knows a lot of people.
Underlying issues: If it’s Saturday, I’m not quite sure what to do but I think you’ve done ok. If it’s Friday and your on a hetero date… avoid topics like musicals, football and closets. It will only make you both uncomfortable.
My last note today and probably the most obvious!
Restaurant: Cyril’s
What does it say: People go to Cyril’s for one reason to drink. Odds are your date just got out of rehab or is probably fresh from the daily Montauk AA meeting. I would also be suspect of everyone your date just said hello to, odds are they’re tomorrow’s date! If you drove separately (hopefully you did) pretend to get a text message and leave immediately to deal with a “personal issue.”
Underlying issues: Avoid such topics as binge drinking, rehab, STD’s, sobriety or monogamy!
If today’s blog offends anyone.. I apologize, it was written with a strong sense of humor. But remember, there’s a little bit of truth in every jest!
Well first off Matto in East Hampton is doing a post beach happy hour for the boys and girls from the lambda set! They’ve even gathered a few buff shirtless 20 somethings to parade around hoping to draw a crowd. I just love the idea of my friend Dan’s uncle driving by with his 71 Ford pickup truck stopping in front of the IGA and wondering WTF is going on. Good times!!!
While walking along the beach with my beloved dog Boo, I discoverd the following sign on what I long believed to be one of the friendliest dog beaches around!! NO DOGS! So, what’s up with this? Well it’s due to none other than the wonderful piping plover of lore!! Apparently they’ve chosen to nest on the beach between Indian Wells and Two Mile Hollow. Let me be honest, one of the only reasons I agreed to move and buy a house here is because I love to take Boo for long walks on the beach. This has now gone too far and I understand the frustration of when they cancelled the fireworks because of the birds! Did they have to fence off the whole beach?! Well just know Boo and I will still continue to stroll the beach but on the surf line. There are no signs and no fences there!! But have no fear.. not all of the Hamptons are unfriendly to man’s best buddy!
My favorite numero uno place for pooches in the Hamptons is the Hampton Pet Club in Water Mill. Owner Jason Neimark and his entire staff will treat your pet like one of their own. The pet club offers dooggy day care, boarding and training sessions . The accomidations are wonderful, many of the dogs get their own “rooms” complete with beds and televisions… no cages here!! The doggy daycare is awesome, Jason regularly goes out and throws some toys around with the kids and they get some good runnning in. The dog yard does have it’s draw backs though…. the POLITICS!!! Apparently dog clicks are no different than your high school. I’m disheartened though to say, my beloved girl gets along with everyone but she instead chooses to hang in the office with the staff, like one of those geeky kids who sharpened pencils and filed in the Principals office all day! MY DOG IS A GEEK! OH NO!!!
Finally, for food , toys and the occasional grooming…. go see Harbor Pets in Sag Harbor on Bay St. They’ve got the goodstuff there for your four legged companions both canine and feline. Merricks, EVO , Wellness and Science Diet are all available. The owner Alan (oops. don’t know your last name) and his staff are friendly and helpful. They also have grooming services available by appointment. If you go in and tell them you read this blog…he’ll even give you a FREE GIFT! SERIOUSLY! By the way… I had to put a picture of Boo in my blog!! HERE IT IS!!
The Hamptons are getting some bad press lately and personally I find this shocking!!! One would have thought with the lousy weather and that in turn causing a lousy turnout on top of everything else in the world.. one would think we would have a season with better food, better service and a better attitude in Hampton’s restaurants. Well guess what!? You were wrong.