YEEEEE GADS! It’s Already August 8th! A FEW THINGS YOU NEED TO DO BEFORE LABOR DAY!

In case you were sleeping, it’s now August and it’s full throttle here on the East End.   But unlike Summer when I was 12 years old and it lasted forever, the season seems to fly faster and faster.     But before you get to entrenched with sitting on Route 27 for hours on end or waiting an extra 40 minutes at virtually any restaurant for your table, please make sure to remember why you’re out here in the first place.  You’re here to enjoy the beach, the water, the sun and snarking at the overdressed families at Scoop Du Jour on Tuesday nights!   So here are some of my favorite things to do while the sun is still high.  If you do, you might actually thinking spending all of the money to be in the Hamptons was worth it!

 

A Beach Dinner – While you could use one of the numerous “Claws” or “Clam” companies to caterer your affair… and yes its one heck of a presentation… I prefer to hit Citerella and get some dishes and salads to go.    A big blanket and some nice chilled….errr…errr… “seltzer water” because wine on the beach is not allowed make for a really fantastic evening.  You’ll may also want to wait till after 6 p.m. so that way you can start a nice little beach bonfire and there are some rules for that too (click here) for East Hampton and (here) for Southampton.    But there is nothing more relaxing and memorable then the sound of the surf, the sand and an amazing light show above!  My personal favorite is Wiborg Beach!   The parking lot is small so there aren’t as many other picnickers.

Biking Shelter Island – A few weeks ago I was talking to some local police officers about living in the Hamptons.  One thing they said they would never do during the season is go bicycling!  Yes, the local walk in clinics are making a fortune from cyclists getting clipped by texting busy summer drivers.    Perhaps that’s the reason why I prefer heading to Shelter Island for biking.     In fact, Sag Harbor Cycle Company runs a group ride every Sunday at 7:30 am.  It’s a perfect time to go before the roads get flooded with cars and the gang that runs these things know the safer routes and the roads less traveled.   If you want more information, visit their website and NO TEXTING AND BIKING!

Go Paddeling – It’s about the water people, not about seeing the people that live down the hall from you in the city at spin class!  Its a great work out and think about it, unless you love getting a gamma globulin shot do you really want to fall into the east river?   There are some great companies out here that will rent you kayaks or paddle boards and even give you a lesson.     The calm waters of Shinnecock Bay or Georgica Pond are two local favorites.     If you want more details on who and where, try Main Beach Surf Shop in Wainscott or Adventure PaddleBoards in Southampton.

Take the Dogs to the Beach –  Did I mention that my dogs Bella and Russell love the beach?!  Hmmmmmm…. I’m not sure.  Do your homework and find what times your furry friends are allowed to run the surf!  Also remember to clean up and bring some treats in case they go chasing some delicious piping plover!

Now get off the damn computer and go outside!!!!

 

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, No it’s YOUR NEIGHBOR…. and is Scuttle Hole the new L.I.E.?

Forget the privet hedge, drones are here!

Sure Martha Stewart loves her Drone according to Time Magazine but do her neighbors?    Yes, one man’s toy is another man’s torment and here in the Hamptons is no exception.    Sources have told me one high powered Hamptons resident has taken his/her  Hatfiled/McCoys situation with his/her next door neighbor to a new level.    This person is apparently buzzing the neighbors yard and taking pictures of sunbathing guests and family.   Yes these poor residents now are being harassed by a techno-voyeur!  While they haven’t reported anything to the police (Duh, who wants to end up in the police blotter) they have been soliciting help from landscapers, housekeepers etc on shooting that puppy down!   So forget the deer cull everyone, we’re hunting drones!

Meanwhile, as local towns continue to crack down on Realtors and their signs (smaller, smaller, smaller) locals have also started complaining about the proliferation of builder/contractor signs.  Yes, real estate is the best form of advertising and that’s why some local firms are leaving their signs up on homes that are not even on the market!    Take Scuttle Hole Rd. in Bridgehampton for example where one contractor has had a sign up for nearly 3 years and the property isn’t even for sale!    There’s also a similar situation on Ocean Rd. in Bridgehampton where one of my friends quipped, “it’s starting to look like the LIE before the Midtown Tunnel!”  Make fun of Realtors and our obsession with signs if you’d like but at least we limit ours in size and duration!  Shouldn’t a home actually be under construction or on the market for a sign to be put up?  Yeah, that one big guy out here has signs everywhere but he doesn’t leave them up for 2 years after the house sells!!!  I’m just saying! By the way, don’t even get me started on those pop up signs for the “Our drivers your car” signs on every corner!

 

Hamptons Multiplicity…. Directions Appreciated! Plus, Annie Hall Hits the Hamptons!

When I first moved out here, I lived on Three Mile Harbor Rd. in East Hampton, I mean Drive… actually it was Road!  Well that is exactly my point.   There’s a song by U2 called “Where the Streets Have No Name” but I sing a different tune here in the Hamptons.   It’s called where the “Where the Streets are Named Same!”

This particular problem was such a dilemma at my old house, Amazon Packages went to the address on Three Mile Harbor Drive and the group house there enjoyed my dvd copies of “Super Size Me” and the Star Wars box set!   It also was the cause of me nearly hitting a 4 ton boulder when a delivery meant for Drive ended up at my house on the Road and I plowed down my flag lot going 40 miles an hour (yes, too fast I know).    It also was also responsible for one of the greatest surprise of my life….. a new BMW convertible.    It was also a huge disappointment when said convertible was quickly picked up for the charity event on Three Mile Harbor Hog Creek (all true).    Doesn’t everybody want to live on a road called Hog Creek?   I mean its almost as glamorous as saying I live on Swamp Road with my own cement pond.

I know addresses for a living and even I find it confusing.  So while giggling about the drunken visitors with cab drivers that need a good two hours to make it from Bobby Van’s to their rented house on Hildreth (“no, it’s the one with cedar shingles and a pool in the backyard!”),  I started thinking, what are some of the most confusing addresses on the East End?     So, consulting my HC board of distrustees I threw the question out, “what are some of the most confusing common street names in the Hamptons?”    While I’m here to give you the results of my inquiry, let me first say if you live on a street named after a tree, you’re already screwed.  Also, if you’re going to any location in the Hamptons, make sure you get some cross streets for your GPS.  Because if you try calling from the car, odds are you won’t get a cell signal anyway!  So here they are in no way a thorough or scientific analysis; the more confusing addresses/street locations in the Hamptons where if you are hosting a party there…. give directions!

THE TREE STREETS:  Oak –17 Streets in Southampton and 7 in East Hampton, Cedar – (including Points, Views etch) 18 streets in Southampton and 6 in East Hampton, Pine – 23 in Southampton and 4 in East Hampton.

THE OLD FAMILY STREETS: Hildreth – (not including the stores) 9 streets in Southampton and 2 in East Hampton.    Halsey –10 in Southampton and 0 in East Hampton (I guess they couldn’t get a table at the old Della Femina) and Gardners – 4 in Southampton and 5 in East Hampton.   Luckily there are only one Tony Tiska’s Path and Uncle Leo’s Lane in all the Hamptons.

THE WATER STREETS: Bay – 24 in Southampton including the views and 12 in East Hampton, Ocean – 9 in Southampton and 8 in East Hampton, Beach – 8 in Southampton and 7 in East Hampton.

THE LOCATIONS: Middle – 5 in Southampton and 3 in East Hampton, Northwest – 1 in Southampton and 3 in East Hampton, Main – 3 in Southampton and 5 in East Hampton.

My suggestion for each town is to sell off the duplicate street names to corporate sponsors and lower our taxes.   But please for goodness sake, I will never live on Walmart or Chick-fil-A Boulevards!

My Autographed Copy!!!

Finally, some good celebrity news on the East End.   Sources tell me actress Diane Keaton’s recent book signing at BookHampton was a smashing success!  Not only did the actress stay and sign every copy of “Let’s Just Say it Wasn’t Pretty,” she was also hugging and posing for photos and laughing it up with the fans and staff of the store.    I never met Diane Keaton but always wanted to get the chance.   It’s so nice to hear about somebody so accomplished taking time to say hello to the average Joes…. If you can call Hamptons residents “average Joes.”

A Toast for Tacos…. Plus, Hamptons Hostility 2014!

For those who know me, thanks for your well wishes.   Sorry the blog takes a back seat to life but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.    So now that let’s get back to the “Chatter.”

Well traffic is terrible, temperatures and tempers are rising and the Hamptons is now entering into what I affectionally call “Seasonus Horribus.”  But while some folks find this time of year a bit challenging others relish in the chaos.      Yes, there are folks who miss the city and are pining away… and not the kind with sap… for a little hostility and confrontation.   Yes, it’s the 2014 edition of Hamptons Hostility!!!   The top 5 places where you can be as nasty as you want to be and where a middle finger is just another way of saying hello!  So here in my humble opinion, are the top five nastiest locations for this year….

1) 7-11 Manorville –  While technically not in the Hamptons, it’s definitely a ritual stop for more than a few city dwellers on their way out east.   My experience involved the doubling of coffee cups and the managers instance that I pay and additional $0.50!  “But sir, the sleeve doesn’t prevent the cup from getting crushed in the cars cup holder.”   So, while the manager didn’t care for my explanation and threw me more attitude than Lizzy Grubman in a parking lot (you would have thought I dropped a 2 gallon Big Gulp on the floor) I left both cups on his counter.   Fifty cents for an extra cup, really?!  That is extortion in my opinion and not nice.   I’m now doing my stops at the Cumberland Farms.

2) The intersection of CR39A and Rt 27! – The place where allowing a car to merge in front of you is as welcome as a root canal or IRS audit!  It’s also totally racist where German sedans have no tolerance for American hybrids or trucks (and vice versa).    I could tell you the way to avoid this area but why would I want to ruin my good thing!!!

Yes, I know this is the one in Riverhead!

3) CVS Pharmacy (Southampton & East Hampton) – It’s the Motor Vehicles of pharmacies!   While I have no complaints about the general staff, you know the human cashiers etc.   The pharmacy has long lines and an indifferent staff that really gets annoyed with questions.   But if that wasn’t enough,  try to deal with their automated phone system!   Lord help you if you need an Epi pen in a hurry!

4) Cavinola’s Cheese Shop (Sag Harbor)- Yes, apparently Ina Garten thinks this shop is the big cheese..  but I think it’s more tres fromage! The selection is actually extensive and good but please don’t dare question the prices.  When I made the mistake of grimacing at one particular price, I got an annoyed response of “then don’t buy it.”   Wow, that was nice!  So guess what… I didn’t …..and that cheese stood alone!   I then took a quick trip to Schivoni’s who also has a great selection for a fraction of the price!    I mean, I shop at Round Swamp Farm so I’m not afraid of prices but at least be friendly!  What do I need to bring a camera crew!?

 

5) Nick & Toni’s (the bar) – This is not about the restaurant or the employees.  It’s about the patrons who sit at the bar.   If you spend any time in the Hamptons there are going to be nights when nobody is around and you want to go out and mingle and have some dinner.  Well if you’re sitting at the bar at N&T’s bring a book.     The atmosphere there is so chilly you’ll feel like a Kardashian walking into the  Maidstone Club.  But hey, sometimes you wanna go where (signing the “Cheers” theme) “nobody wants to know your name.

Honorable Mention:  Rushmeyer’s in Montauk.   The perfect place to hang if you’re going out on daddy’s credit card.     It’s like “Logan’s Run” meets the Hamptons.

I’ve been whining with my Sancerre for years now about the state of Mexican cuisine here in the Hamptons.      While we still don’t have a decent sit down restaurant (yes, I revisited Blue Parrot one more time, it was awful and expensive -$20 burrito with what I’m pretty sure was microwaved chicken) that serves a full south of the border menu we do have another entry into the good… actually really good food to go category.   Formerly of the Wainscott Seafood shop, chef Peter Ambrose has taken his successful Endless Summer brand and opened a new taco shop at the home of the former “Food and Co.”
“Pete’s Endless Summer Taco Shop” is a welcome addition to east end cuisine.    The menu which features his famous fish tacos, along with such delicacies as braised duck, nori brined applewood barbecue chicken (which blew me away… really good) and vegan selections is fairly basic but full of gourmet varieties of the Mexican treats.    There are no fajitas or burritos on the menus but there’s plenty here to choose from and at a really reasonable prices, especially for the Hamptons.     Prices start at $5 per taco or 3 for $13-$16 and make this easy to go down.   Fries, salads, fresh guacamole and home made grilled tomato salsa are also available.    If you want more information go to www.peterambrose.com or call them at 631-527-5515.    Pete’s Endless Taco Shop is located at 283 Pantigo Road, East Hampton.   Also make sure to try the deserts from Jennifer Corzzo… delicious!