martha stewart

THE BRITISH ARE COMING… THE ROYAL ONES!!!! ALSO, THE POLLEN ISALREADY HERE!

The royal formerly known as Prince William, now known as Kate Middleton’s husband is apparently planning to bring his Windsor brood to spend their summer in the Hamptons!   I know!  I know!   I’m as excited as the next Anglophile!    According to the rarely reliable OK magazine, the two have already rented a large estate to rub elbows with the likes of Spielberg and Martha.    According to palace “sources” they have always wanted to come here so George and Charlotte can “enjoy the sea and the sunshine.”   It sounds reasonable to me, so ignore those wet blankets over at Gossip Cop that are calling this report complete b*##*#$@!     In fact, I have a few suggestions for the royals when they take that leap across the pond.   I know William will find it here on Hamptons Chatter next time he googles his name in a exhausted or drunken stupor!

Calls to Buckingham palace have not been returned!
Hi William, hopefully you didn’t buy that estate yet and you’ll be calling me as your agent in the near future.   Why will you call me?  Well after you enjoy these five awesome suggestions I have for you when visiting the Hamptons, you’ll know I’m your go to man!
Cyril’s:  Will, it’s the best people watching in the Hamptons and the location overlooking scenic route 27 is fit for a King, which you should be next IMHO!   Make sure to order two BBCs (don’t ask just drink) and Kate will be macking on you like you’re that lead singer guy from One Direction!

Home Goods:   Who doesn’t love a bargain!?   You and Kate can stock the estate with fresh linen and towels and even those nifty plastic margarita glasses without paying a kings ransom!  Not that I hope Charles gets kidnapped and you become King… but if that happens… NO PROBLEMO!  You’ll be saving a bundle and have the cash as your “HOME GOODS HAPPY.”

The Essence of cool!

The Giant Duck:   OK, it’s actually NOT in the Hamptons but it’s a GIANT DUCK! Hello!?  How cool is that!?

Martha Stewart’s House:    She lives in town and if you give me a call, I’m happy to share her address.  Just go over, she loves drop by guests!   She’ll help Kate use local flowers to make the most amazing table centerpieces and her fresh lemonade is to die for… really!   Just go!  Tell her I said it was OK.
The American Hotel:   A Hamptons institution where you can spot an occasional celebrity and enjoy scenic Sag Harbor.  Another plus is they now have hooks under the bar for Kate’s purse.    One final suggestion; I would wait till HRH Elizabeth II comes to town and bring her, she will actually be one of the younger folks at the bar, which will make her feel good.    You’ll all have a blast!
Finally, when you come to town Will… can I call you Will?… make sure to bring some good allergy medicine because it is apparently ….”POLLENGEDDON” out here right now!   Pools are green, cars are green, windows are green and my poor dog Bella is green… and it’s not easy!     So, luckily I have two quick ideas you can follow to help make breathing easier here on the east end.   Try small doses of some local honey, apparently it will help you build a resistance to the pollen since the local bees use the same pollen to make the sweet stuff!   You can also try showering more frequently, apparently the pollen sticks to your skin and hair more than you realize.   So stop breathing all that dead epidermis and pollen and take a shower.  If all else fails, head to CVS and get some Claritan and make sure to register for the frequent shopper points!

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, No it’s YOUR NEIGHBOR…. and is Scuttle Hole the new L.I.E.?

Forget the privet hedge, drones are here!

Sure Martha Stewart loves her Drone according to Time Magazine but do her neighbors?    Yes, one man’s toy is another man’s torment and here in the Hamptons is no exception.    Sources have told me one high powered Hamptons resident has taken his/her  Hatfiled/McCoys situation with his/her next door neighbor to a new level.    This person is apparently buzzing the neighbors yard and taking pictures of sunbathing guests and family.   Yes these poor residents now are being harassed by a techno-voyeur!  While they haven’t reported anything to the police (Duh, who wants to end up in the police blotter) they have been soliciting help from landscapers, housekeepers etc on shooting that puppy down!   So forget the deer cull everyone, we’re hunting drones!

Meanwhile, as local towns continue to crack down on Realtors and their signs (smaller, smaller, smaller) locals have also started complaining about the proliferation of builder/contractor signs.  Yes, real estate is the best form of advertising and that’s why some local firms are leaving their signs up on homes that are not even on the market!    Take Scuttle Hole Rd. in Bridgehampton for example where one contractor has had a sign up for nearly 3 years and the property isn’t even for sale!    There’s also a similar situation on Ocean Rd. in Bridgehampton where one of my friends quipped, “it’s starting to look like the LIE before the Midtown Tunnel!”  Make fun of Realtors and our obsession with signs if you’d like but at least we limit ours in size and duration!  Shouldn’t a home actually be under construction or on the market for a sign to be put up?  Yeah, that one big guy out here has signs everywhere but he doesn’t leave them up for 2 years after the house sells!!!  I’m just saying! By the way, don’t even get me started on those pop up signs for the “Our drivers your car” signs on every corner!

 

A Brouhaha at the Beaches in Amagansett and a Cure for Round Swamp Farm’s Cinnamon Buns… well sort of!

VERBOTTEN!

Those oft over-the top folks in “Amagainsit” are at it again.  Fearing that the guest of a guest, share house, booze-swilling Saturday afternoon fedora crowd would drift east from Indian Wells due to parking lot restrictions and an increased police presence, the Beach Hampton homeowners association sent out an early summer warning to members.

That beach access would be restricted to members in good standing with the Dunes home owner’s association (i.e. residents and their tenants ).
OK. We’re good so far.  While we won’t consult our Hamptons Chatter legal department just yet about their legal right to restrict access they have begun stationing “monitors” at various beach access points.  (although when we googled “lawsuit beach public access” it appears the folks in Amagansett are walking a very shaky and fine line).

This summer, clipboard carrying Studio 54 type bouncers have been checking to make sure not only if beach goers are from the right part of town, they’re also making sure everyone is ponied up with his or her Homeowners Association Dues.    But what if you landlord has paid the dues… you want to go to beach but the bouncer says “no you didn’t.”   Well that’s exactly what has been happening.  Apparently this is becoming more and more of a problem with rental tenants lugging their wares to the beach only to be turned back!!! I don’t know the whole deal here but I’m just predicting this is going to blow up before the end of the summer.

Meanwhile here in the Hamptons we’ve got more than our fair share of famous culinary and home making genius’.      There’s of course Martha Stewart…. there’s Ina Garten (who I like even though she and Jeffrey have yet to invite me  over) … and now there’s ANKE.   In keeping with the  summer of healthy eating I want to tell you Anke’s Fit Bakery and her stuff is awesome.   I’ve also been discussing this around town, and I’m hearing similar stories from other agents whose summer tenants are being subjected to random shakedowns in The Dunes.    Perhaps this is just all a bunch of misunderstandings but bouncers on the beach?!!!   Stay tuned.

 

 

Shunning refined flour for her baked goods, Anke uses spelt flour, whole oats and other organic ingredients because, “Ingestion of refined flours elevates the potential for heart disease, stroke, cancer and obesity.  The health risks can be reduced by using whole grain flours instead of refined flours.”  My personal favorite is Anke’s Chocolate Loaf cake make with coco and a bunch of good stuff.   But you would never know it, I would swear it’s Entenmann’s!    Marie Claire, Tracy Anderson, the East Hampton Star and a bunch of other publications will attest to the fact I speak the truth.   So check out the website or go visit Anke at the Sag Harbor Farmer’s Market on Saturday morning.  You and your gut wont’ regret it!!!  Now, back to the treadmill!

Konfessions from K-Mart but don’t laugh…. Overstock.com is selling Hamptons estates!!!

So, I remember when I was a kid seeing the movie “Rain Man.” The two most memorable lines were “20 minutes to Wapner” and “K-Mart” sucks. But hell, what does Tom Cruise know anyway, remember according to Wickipedia he thinks “that a human is an immortal alien spiritual being, termed a thetan, that is trapped on planet Earth in a physical body.” Hmmmmm. Anyway, I can tell you K-Mart does NOT SUCK! You would think that there would be cobwebs in the aisles of the “Big K” in the Hamptons. Well if you thought that you would be wrong! Check out the parking lot sometime, it’s filled with Mercedees, BMWs, Jaguars and even the occasional Rolls! Well, if that hasn’t gotten you over your phobia of blue light specials, there’s another way to get your Martha Stewart sheets and towels. Kmart has launched a new service in the Hamptons called mygofer.com. From laptops to laundry detergent and even those Lands End oxfords (they’re wrinkle free and last forever start at $29.95) can be delivered same day to your door!

Along with that, who said the wealthy don’t want a deal?! Well if you take a look at overstock.com, some of the toniest locations in the Hamptons are apparently being marketed as “blue light specials.” Now I know that the more exposure the better when selling real estate but I wonder if advertising a $20,000,000 house on the same site that most go to buy discount Dockers shirts is hitting the right demographic? Just a thought.