Tesla apparently made summer quicker in Montauk… and lock your doors and hide your porridge a fairy tale about summer renters!!!

So my blog has been a little spotty lately but what can I say?! We’ve actually been selling houses out here on the east end. You know, I must work since I don’t make enough money on this blog to eat let alone afford a pair of Ferragamo’s.

Well my first tale is one that I’ve never heard before, although a few have told me they have! It starts with my getting my brand new watch fixed and somehow it folded into the mystery and legend surrounding the Montauk Project. If you never heard of the Montauk project, according to Wickipedia it’s described as THIS. So, when I went to the jewelry store the other day to get my watch repaired the sales woman asked me to describe what was wrong. I explained how the hands would sporadically just start to spin. It was her question next that stumped me, “were you in Montauk?” I said “no, why do you ask?” She went on to describe how they get people in the store all of the time for watch repair describing a problem similar to mine. Their watch just started spinning! Woah, holy Bill and Ted’s Excellent adventure. Are people going into time warps in Montauk? According to the sales person (who I won’t disclose) some locals feel it’s the result of the experiments that happened back during WW II. So did Tesla plant a giant magnet under Navy Beach!?!? Leonard Nimoy we need you to go “In Search Of” now!! Let me know if any of you have had similar or have heard the same story!

Finally, a little fairy tale about the Hamptons and a warning to folks off Wainscot Northwest Rd. Once upon a time there was…er.. is a little… well actually….a big share house full with wall street kids from the firm of “Holdem Backs.” Yes, these young male and female heirs apparent to Goldilocks and perhaps Bernie Madoff searched high and low for the perfect summer retreat in the Hamptons. Well they found one that was just right. They settled in quickly and merrily played and perhaps partied a little too hard. So hard in fact, they lost their way through the scary Northwest woods!!!

So, what to do when you’ve had a little to much to drink while in the forest. I mean woods… and you need to take a nap!? You naturally go for a walk! I mean neighbors are friendly here in the East Hampton forest, right?! So later that summer evening a family of homeowners came home to their house and notice the flat screen was on! “Someone is sleeping in our living room” the poppa homeowner declared! Yes, the family was surprised to see someone sleeping in their bed… er I mean their sofa! So were they friendly to Mr. Goldilocks? Nope, they called the police and notified the landlord who was none too pleased to hear about so many bears…er… summer renters were sleeping in his beds (damn this would have been funnier if Bear Sterns were still in business, right?). But just one final note and little mixing of tales here… neighbors are looking high and low for the prince who slept on the sofa. It appears he left a flip flop behind, perhaps I should have instead called him Cinderfella!

The perfect gift for promiscuous pals on the East End and there’s more to Canada than Celine Dion!

If you’ve ever been to Ricky’s in the city or in East Hampton, you know it’s full of shampoo, moisturizers and various other sundries. Well, I was in there buying my favorite hair wax (DeFi – you don’t think my look just happens do you?) the other day when I stumbled upon one of Ricky’s more unusual items; the SVEDKA VODKA WALK OF SHAME KIT!! For $25 bucks the kit includes, deodorant, flip flops, folding sunglasses and dry shampoo among other items to mask incriminating behavior. I personally love this idea but it’s not as much fun as seeing cocktail dresses, wrinkled suits and high heels at 7am.

Apropos of nothing, I’ve had tons of house guests this past week and I don’t even want to begin counting the numbers. But I need to look stylish when new guests come to town. My Canadian guests, Alan and Eva are arriving from Toronto tomorrow. Damn, what will I wear!? Well low and behold, If you’ve been in the village of East Hampton lately you may have noticed lots of bags that say “JOE FRESH.” No, Trader Joe’s hasn’t arrived on the east end (wishful thinking) but rather a chic affordable Canadian apparel company. Now,

I’m sure Fresh Joe won’t like this but I kind of think of them as a Canadian H&M. Located at the site of last years Tumi store on Main St., the company’s web site describes their designs as “stylish, fresh and affordable apparel and accessories for all seasons…. featuring more than 400 items, from chic footwear to the latest in outdoor fashions.” Upon reading their information, I think they may have started their stores in conjunction with grocery stores. Either way, it’s a Wednesday afternoon and the store is jumping. See, there is more to Canada then Celine Dion.

The biggest dangers in the Hamptons!!!

I’ll start off by saying that I haven’t been as dedicated as I should to my happy little blog but between the job, the indigestion and the house guests (#2 as a direct result of the other two) I haven’t had as much time to sit down and hit the keys! So what’s going on???

Well, I had an interesting conversation last week with a young lady who works in one of those walk in clinics we have here in the Hamptons. You know you’ve seen them and consider them your local town doctor. I’ve actually gone to one of them and to be honest and they saved me one nasty winter cold from becoming pneumonia. Anyway, what did I talk about with this young lady who I’ll call “Coffee” because I want to protect her identity and because I’m typing this in the morning and enjoying a certain beverage. So I asked Coffee about what are the most common types of walk-in’s she sees at the clinic… wait I can’t call her Coffee anymore, let’s call her “Ann”… I’m watching The Today Show. What did she say?????

The biggest problem and health issue for folks in the Hamptons is….. drum roll please… DADADADADADDADDDADADADA…. POISON IVY! Yes, folks the weekend gardeners may have their Martha Stewart gardening kits but they can’t seem to identify this three leafed little gift of itch!! Ann told me she sees it all the time, amateur gardeners covered from head to toe with the cute little rash that makes life miserable. We all know what Poison Ivy looks like now don’t we folks? Well I’ve included a photo of the plant here and leave you with this little ditty I learned as a child, “if it has leaves of three, let them be.” I always follow that rule and it’s kept me safe for years. It also saved me $15 dollars when I went to go see that Batman movie and saw it also starred Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy! Leaves of three I let that movie be!

So what’s number 2!? Well if your thinking it has anything to do with the ocean or beach you’re wrong. The number 2 most dangerous activity in the Hamptons is BICYCLING! No, it’s not peddlers getting hit by vehicles that is causing the problem, it’s lack of coordination and lack of padding and helmets that is causing the problem! Yes, it’s a right of summer when weekend warriors put on their spandex cycling shorts and hit the mean streets of the East End. I know it seems like a good thing to do, be in the great outdoors and exercising but there are a lot of pot holes and gravel out there folks. That seems to be the biggest problem! My advice to you for a safer summer? I have a saying for this too, “If it has wheels of two find one that don’t moo (ve).” Yeah, go to a spin class and go outside on a hike later… and make sure to avoid the poison ivy! But be safe, besides I see the way most people drive out here… It’s not pretty folks! Enjoy the rest of the holiday week!