navy beach

Hamptons Hostility… If you miss the city don’t worry, there are plenty of unfriendly places here too!

I have an old friend named Hope, not that she’s old but I’ve known her forever. Anyway, she used to have this idea that New Yorkers are basically masochistic at heart.  They loved to be abused.  She often toyed with the idea of opening a restaurant named “Insults,”  where diners can come for a good meal and get insulted as they dine.  Now, I personally loved the idea, I knew it would be successful too!  I mean it took the term “home style” to the next level!  It was like a Saturday night at my house growing up!!!

Anyway, this theory explains why some of the most popular places on the East End are some of it’s most unfriendly!  So where, who , why?   Here is my list; THE TOP 5… Hostile Hamptons Hot Spots!!!

Normal people sit over there!   We will ignore you!

1) Navy Beach – Sure the views are great and the crowd is good looking but unless you’re hanging with Giselle or Kate Upton you can forget about getting decent service.   I went a few days ago with some of my middle aged friends, yeah the ones in their early 40’s and late 30’s.  We couldn’t get the waitress’ attention for anything.   The food came out sporadically, some had food others didn’t.  When we asked management, it was brought to our attention that the order was too confusing so it was our fault half of us weren’t being fed!   As for getting a second round of drinks, I would have been better off going to Gossman’s to get them.

2) Citarella East Hampton – “Excuse me mam’ if I could get a half pound of the Alpine Lace Low Fat Swiss.”  “Excuse me.. ?”   “Excuse me mam’?!”  “Can I get… (she cuts me off) “YEAH I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.”   Charming!  But if only this were an isolated incident.   While the guys in the fish department are actually friendly, it doesn’t make up for the rest of the store.  I guess if you don’t enjoy your job, you’re not exactly smiling to the customers. There must be a lot of unhappy people at Citarella.

3) Goldberg’s Bagels (Southampton) –  To me the Goldberg’s in Southampton is last chance to get a cup of coffee before hitting the highway.  But yet, it’s nothing like going into the Bagdad Cafe.   It’s surly city with an exclamation point!!!   But unlike other establishments,  I know, I actually think I got a handle on why they’re not happy flipping their flagels!     It’s the fear of working too close to 27 and the terror they live with that a speeding BMW may one day careen off the highway and create a drive in window!   Meanwhile, if you go to Goldberg’s in East Hampton, FRIENDLY, FRIENDLY, FRIENDLY.   So I know my 27 theory must be the reason!

GROUND ZERO FOR HOSTILITY!

4) East Hampton Parking lot behind Walbaum’s – I know it’s not me but EVERYONE in that lot is nasty.  Perhaps the fact it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground has something to do with it!   It starts with the aggressive drivers and trickles right down to the overly aggressive “brownies” who are no doubt getting paid in Clearasil.  The biggest mystery to me is how it could be the nicest beach day of the year….  and that lot will still be packed!!!   WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SHOPPING NOW!?!?  Do it in the city, it’s easier!  Perhaps the heart of the unfriendly is the actual Walbaum’s!   Everyone in this place is either annoyed or uninterested!  I never went to a Soviet grocery store during the cold war but I imagine it must have been a lot like this; long lines, hostile help and lousy produce… in my opinion anyway.

5) Pierre’s Cafe Bridgehampton – Do I really need to elaborate? It’s French!  I’m talking about the little walk in place next door to the restaurant.    It’s a little bit of Paris right in the heart of the Hamptons, “you stupid American!”

Tesla apparently made summer quicker in Montauk… and lock your doors and hide your porridge a fairy tale about summer renters!!!

So my blog has been a little spotty lately but what can I say?! We’ve actually been selling houses out here on the east end. You know, I must work since I don’t make enough money on this blog to eat let alone afford a pair of Ferragamo’s.

Well my first tale is one that I’ve never heard before, although a few have told me they have! It starts with my getting my brand new watch fixed and somehow it folded into the mystery and legend surrounding the Montauk Project. If you never heard of the Montauk project, according to Wickipedia it’s described as THIS. So, when I went to the jewelry store the other day to get my watch repaired the sales woman asked me to describe what was wrong. I explained how the hands would sporadically just start to spin. It was her question next that stumped me, “were you in Montauk?” I said “no, why do you ask?” She went on to describe how they get people in the store all of the time for watch repair describing a problem similar to mine. Their watch just started spinning! Woah, holy Bill and Ted’s Excellent adventure. Are people going into time warps in Montauk? According to the sales person (who I won’t disclose) some locals feel it’s the result of the experiments that happened back during WW II. So did Tesla plant a giant magnet under Navy Beach!?!? Leonard Nimoy we need you to go “In Search Of” now!! Let me know if any of you have had similar or have heard the same story!

Finally, a little fairy tale about the Hamptons and a warning to folks off Wainscot Northwest Rd. Once upon a time there was…er.. is a little… well actually….a big share house full with wall street kids from the firm of “Holdem Backs.” Yes, these young male and female heirs apparent to Goldilocks and perhaps Bernie Madoff searched high and low for the perfect summer retreat in the Hamptons. Well they found one that was just right. They settled in quickly and merrily played and perhaps partied a little too hard. So hard in fact, they lost their way through the scary Northwest woods!!!

So, what to do when you’ve had a little to much to drink while in the forest. I mean woods… and you need to take a nap!? You naturally go for a walk! I mean neighbors are friendly here in the East Hampton forest, right?! So later that summer evening a family of homeowners came home to their house and notice the flat screen was on! “Someone is sleeping in our living room” the poppa homeowner declared! Yes, the family was surprised to see someone sleeping in their bed… er I mean their sofa! So were they friendly to Mr. Goldilocks? Nope, they called the police and notified the landlord who was none too pleased to hear about so many bears…er… summer renters were sleeping in his beds (damn this would have been funnier if Bear Sterns were still in business, right?). But just one final note and little mixing of tales here… neighbors are looking high and low for the prince who slept on the sofa. It appears he left a flip flop behind, perhaps I should have instead called him Cinderfella!