It boggles my mind sometimes how people think the Hamptons market works and what the agents actually do out here. The following tales have no particular theme, thread or commonality other than they both make me scratch my head with a big WTF?! The first hilarious tale I have this week involves an e-mail I received earlier this week. I think it’s kind of a perennial here on the east end and I call it….
Fast Times and Hamptons High!
Here’s what it said:
Hey my friends and I are having trouble finding a house available for rent for the weekend of the 20th to 22nd of June and were wondering if you had any eligible houses. It would be around 40 people for two nights. You can reach me at (516) 996-xxxx!
Ok, 40 people for 2 nights at the end of June? Now, I’m not exactly a rocket scientist but something tells me this is a graduation party. Besides, does anyone really want to stay in a house for two days with 40 people. I can barely stand when there’s more than 4 in my house and I have plenty of space. Also there is the part about, “my friends and I are having trouble finding a house.” REALLY!?!?!? I’m shocked, doesn’t everyone want 40 people to rent their house for 2 days!? What could go wrong? By the way, I really wanted to correct the grammatical errors and send it back to the sender, “are you really sure you’re ready to graduate?”
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| Bad Ideas… 40 people for a two day rental! |
War of the Roses – Hamptons Style
A while back I was handling the sale of a property where the owners were going through …. shall I say… a bitter and nasty divorce. To give you some idea, if they had a baby Solomon would’ve had to cut the kid in two. There was no middle ground! But wait, it gets better they were living in the house together until it sold!!! Yep, it was fun. Well, one day, we had scheduled an open house and I spoke to the husband and left the wife a message. I assumed all was well until I arrived and found the wife’s boyfriend parading around the house naked. As I was putting out my wrap sandwiches for the fellow brokers and prospective buyers said boyfriend informed me “I fell off my bike and scraped my butt, so I can’t wear any pants.” Hmmmm. What about a blanket? Nope, that won’t do it either, the fabric would be irritating. Can you go into a room and I’ll keep people out of that one? Sure, that sounds liek a good idea. Well despite my best warnings a neighbor who was “curious” didn’t listen to me and went into the room! OMG…SCREEECH! If only I had foresight to sell tickets!!
Therapy and Miscellaneous Sightings!
Your broker knows more about you than you think. Especially if you’re the type that likes to leave everything out in the open. Some of the things I’ve come across (I don’t particularly like this part of the job) range from the weird to the gross and the down right crazy. Now, some were former listings of mine and some were left in the open of houses I have shown for rent and for sale. Once agin here are some of the wackiest things, in no particular order: condoms new and used (ewwwww), humongous bongs, the book “Toxic Parents,” weird porn dvd’s, half eaten sandwiches with 3″of mold, phallic toys, lice shampoo (ewwwwwwwwww again), self portraits on velvet, labeled urns with an entire family on the fireplace mantel, court appearance notices and my personal favorite a geek shrine to C3P0 and R2D2 (literally A SHRINE!). I really can’t make this stuff up.
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| Southfork Kitchen |
Finally a little bit of news that’s a tad more normal. A change of hands at the Southfork Kitchen in Bridgehampton. A recent press release announced, “Glad you made it through the winter of 2013, Southfork Kitchen did not. We have passed the torch to the next chef, Todd Jacobs who will continue with local, season and sustainable cuisine. We thank you for your patronage….” I’m not sure if he’s the same Todd Jacobs but if he is the one I found in Google.. it sounds promising. According to his bio of Atlantica Restaurant in Long Beach, “Todd Jacobs, chef/owner of Tierra Mar and Atlantica is a graducate of the French Culinary Institute in Manhattan. He spent six years running the kitchen at the American Hotel which received the Di Rona Award while he was there.” Sorry Southfork Kitchen but I found your menu, expensive odd and pretentious. Here’s hoping for new and better things!
In case you weren’t aware, August 1st is High Noon in the Hamptons for real estate agents. WHY? Because it’s the day most of the rental customers move in for their end of the summer rentals. While real estate agents make more than say the girl at the Carvel, when people are paying some serious bucks the expectations are a little different. So, I did a little informal polling around town with home owners and a few agents from Prudential, Corcoran and the other guys and asked what are some of your favorite stories from the trenches. Here are a few of my personal favorites. The names have been changed to protect the stupid and innocent!
A TOAST TO THE BROKER: Friends of mine decided to rent their own home south of the highway for August and spend the month in Europe. They were relieved when they found a wealthy couple from out of state who would actually be moving in with their maid, butler and entire staff to look after their very pristine home. Well while their home was for the most part pristine the kitchen had issues. The issue? The toaster was sub par and required more than one cycle to get the bread golden brown. The irate renters insisted said landlords immediately get a new toaster that morning while they were “still having breakfast!” The landlord’s response was “Krups you!”