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| The menus!!! yess! |
HALLELUJAH! (Yes, I had to look it up to spell correctly) The Hamptons is ready to enter the 21st century! Well even though it still feels like 1975 here ( i.e. the IGA in E. Hampton), the folks at POSTMATES have decided to launch in our own quaint little part of the world. So, I hear you now, “what is POSTMATES?” Well it’s the only app you need to download this weekend for survival in the Hamptons. With this app you can get delivery service in under an hour, anywhere from Southampton to Montauk! PSYCH! That means, you can order from La Fondita (Tacos), The East Hampton Grill (French Dip), Sam’s (Chicken Parm) and even Levain Bakery (Oatmeal Cookies) and get it delivered right to your front door. But wait it gets better… seconds after you place the order you’ll get real time tracking information for your order. Its also available for Android and online at Postmates.com. Delivery fees start at 5$ and are calculated based on distance along with a 9% service fee which is applied to your order. Let’s hope these guys are the new UBER of Hamptons delivery (but not the UBER of E. Hampton)! My friend Bernie ordered from POSTMATES last week and had his “Sam’s” at the house in 45 minutes. But wait, it gets better…. the delivery guy refused to take the tip and was friendly!!! I mean everyone wants a tip jar now, in fact I just saw one at the DMV last week! Finally something we really need in the Hamptons! I only have one question about POSTMATES that has yet to be answered: Will they deliver one of those hot dogs from Speedway Gas?
This year, like last year my house is becoming a virtual revolving door of guests and relatives. It’s not that I don’t love ALL my friends and relatives. BUT every once in a while I hear some of my friends need down time. So what can they do?? How can they get their guests to leave without being insulting? Well here are a few easy tricks that will have them running to the Jersey Shore… and perhaps even get you a thank you host/hostess gift in the process! So here it is…. HOUSE CLEANING 2015!
The Thing Wouldn’t Leave from AFTRS Radio on Vimeo.
Trick 1: Internet Interception – It’s a fast paced world and one would think that when visiting one of the most beautiful locations on earth, visitors here would actually enjoy shutting the world off! HA! In the Hamptons where dinner tables are silent only because everyone is texting someone else more interesting at another table, staying in touch is like air to breathe. So what better way to give a guest a gentle nudge then to cutting off their connection to the world in addition to severing them from Netflix and sending their “Orange is the New Black” addiction into a tailspin…. unplug the wifi router! Remember, cell service is a joke out here so that wifi signal is also a lifeline to e-mail, Twitter and Facebook! I know it’s cruel but really aren’t they here to hang with you anyway?
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| The breakfast of chumps! |
Trick 2: The Morning Jolt – They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. So what better way to suck the energy out of the overly intrusive guest then starting their day on the wrong foot! Here’s how you do it! You hide the Keurig, the Starbucks and the bagels and instead replace them with something terrifying; Instant coffee, generic cereal and Tang! Nothing says you couldn’t care more by spending less! After day one of having to run to town to actually get something potable and edible your guest will be dreaming of a blanket in Sheep Meadow! “Trust me guys, Toasted Oats are actually better tasting than Cheerios! Really!”
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| Yes, they’ll have a headache and you’ll get rid of one! |
Trick 4: The Cold Shoulders – After a hot sweaty day in the beach, there is nothing more refreshing than a nice relaxing shower. So what’s a guest going to do when the hot water runs out before they have a chance to freshen up! But alas you won’t have to fib to your guest about a faulty hot water heater, you’ll merely tell them it’s part of your fitness routine…. you know using the cold to burn fat! Think about this way, you’re also helping them prevent their skin from drying out and invigorating their day since they didn’t have any coffee that morning! It’s the alternative to Canyon Ranch and the only cost is you leave the house a day early! As for cleaning off in the pool…. that’s disgusting… shower before swimming.
Trick 4: Keep it Dry – Clean the house of all beer, wine and vodka and tell them it’s a booze free zone. While yes, I know you don’t need a drink to have fun… most Hamptons visitors want their sun and their Rose. Imagine this, a house full of hungry, sober people with no Internet reception or emails having to sit around talk to each other? I’d leave too!
REMINDER, this blog was done in the name of helping OTHERS. All of the guest in my house are welcome to stay as long as they want… family is welcome to stay the entire month of July….. and guests of guests of relatives of guests are also welcome! ANYTIME!
I have long complained there are no good bakeries in the Hamptons. Ever since Ina Garten closed the doors on the Barefoot Contessa, I’ve been searching the East End tirelessly looking for the next great coconut cupcake. Ok, yes you can buy the box kit but it was forever ruined when my sister Gina decided to make them as a surprise for me! Yes they were a surprise… a surprise like being stuck in the Sahara without water. This is the same sister who confused the abbreviation for a tablespoon with pound while one time surprising me with pasta dinner!!! But enough about my sister’s culinary clumsiness. Ok, one last jab…I shingled a roof once with her pancakes! But alas, there are good baked goods. First up on my list is BREADZILLA on Wainscott Northwest Rd. Great focaccia breads and in my opinion, the only place to buy a birthday cake this side of the canal. No, the prices are not for the faint of heart but they put their money where the butter is!!!
For cookies, try Levain Bakery on 27 at the Wainscott shopping center. The oatmeal raisin are my favorite. They each weigh about 3 lbs a piece.. or at least they feel like it… but they are awesome!!! The chocolate chip rock and the peanut butter…incredible. They’re not open during the winter and hours are choppy at best. But if you catch them open, the fumes alone are awesome and they should charge admission! You can also get the cookies fresh out oven… wait I have to go wipe my drooling chin.
Finally ROUND SWAMP FARM, what can I say. The cinnamon buns, the sour c