real estate.

Hamptons Multiplicity…. Directions Appreciated! Plus, Annie Hall Hits the Hamptons!

When I first moved out here, I lived on Three Mile Harbor Rd. in East Hampton, I mean Drive… actually it was Road!  Well that is exactly my point.   There’s a song by U2 called “Where the Streets Have No Name” but I sing a different tune here in the Hamptons.   It’s called where the “Where the Streets are Named Same!”

This particular problem was such a dilemma at my old house, Amazon Packages went to the address on Three Mile Harbor Drive and the group house there enjoyed my dvd copies of “Super Size Me” and the Star Wars box set!   It also was the cause of me nearly hitting a 4 ton boulder when a delivery meant for Drive ended up at my house on the Road and I plowed down my flag lot going 40 miles an hour (yes, too fast I know).    It also was also responsible for one of the greatest surprise of my life….. a new BMW convertible.    It was also a huge disappointment when said convertible was quickly picked up for the charity event on Three Mile Harbor Hog Creek (all true).    Doesn’t everybody want to live on a road called Hog Creek?   I mean its almost as glamorous as saying I live on Swamp Road with my own cement pond.

I know addresses for a living and even I find it confusing.  So while giggling about the drunken visitors with cab drivers that need a good two hours to make it from Bobby Van’s to their rented house on Hildreth (“no, it’s the one with cedar shingles and a pool in the backyard!”),  I started thinking, what are some of the most confusing addresses on the East End?     So, consulting my HC board of distrustees I threw the question out, “what are some of the most confusing common street names in the Hamptons?”    While I’m here to give you the results of my inquiry, let me first say if you live on a street named after a tree, you’re already screwed.  Also, if you’re going to any location in the Hamptons, make sure you get some cross streets for your GPS.  Because if you try calling from the car, odds are you won’t get a cell signal anyway!  So here they are in no way a thorough or scientific analysis; the more confusing addresses/street locations in the Hamptons where if you are hosting a party there…. give directions!

THE TREE STREETS:  Oak –17 Streets in Southampton and 7 in East Hampton, Cedar – (including Points, Views etch) 18 streets in Southampton and 6 in East Hampton, Pine – 23 in Southampton and 4 in East Hampton.

THE OLD FAMILY STREETS: Hildreth – (not including the stores) 9 streets in Southampton and 2 in East Hampton.    Halsey –10 in Southampton and 0 in East Hampton (I guess they couldn’t get a table at the old Della Femina) and Gardners – 4 in Southampton and 5 in East Hampton.   Luckily there are only one Tony Tiska’s Path and Uncle Leo’s Lane in all the Hamptons.

THE WATER STREETS: Bay – 24 in Southampton including the views and 12 in East Hampton, Ocean – 9 in Southampton and 8 in East Hampton, Beach – 8 in Southampton and 7 in East Hampton.

THE LOCATIONS: Middle – 5 in Southampton and 3 in East Hampton, Northwest – 1 in Southampton and 3 in East Hampton, Main – 3 in Southampton and 5 in East Hampton.

My suggestion for each town is to sell off the duplicate street names to corporate sponsors and lower our taxes.   But please for goodness sake, I will never live on Walmart or Chick-fil-A Boulevards!

My Autographed Copy!!!

Finally, some good celebrity news on the East End.   Sources tell me actress Diane Keaton’s recent book signing at BookHampton was a smashing success!  Not only did the actress stay and sign every copy of “Let’s Just Say it Wasn’t Pretty,” she was also hugging and posing for photos and laughing it up with the fans and staff of the store.    I never met Diane Keaton but always wanted to get the chance.   It’s so nice to hear about somebody so accomplished taking time to say hello to the average Joes…. If you can call Hamptons residents “average Joes.”

A Toast for Tacos…. Plus, Hamptons Hostility 2014!

For those who know me, thanks for your well wishes.   Sorry the blog takes a back seat to life but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.    So now that let’s get back to the “Chatter.”

Well traffic is terrible, temperatures and tempers are rising and the Hamptons is now entering into what I affectionally call “Seasonus Horribus.”  But while some folks find this time of year a bit challenging others relish in the chaos.      Yes, there are folks who miss the city and are pining away… and not the kind with sap… for a little hostility and confrontation.   Yes, it’s the 2014 edition of Hamptons Hostility!!!   The top 5 places where you can be as nasty as you want to be and where a middle finger is just another way of saying hello!  So here in my humble opinion, are the top five nastiest locations for this year….

1) 7-11 Manorville –  While technically not in the Hamptons, it’s definitely a ritual stop for more than a few city dwellers on their way out east.   My experience involved the doubling of coffee cups and the managers instance that I pay and additional $0.50!  “But sir, the sleeve doesn’t prevent the cup from getting crushed in the cars cup holder.”   So, while the manager didn’t care for my explanation and threw me more attitude than Lizzy Grubman in a parking lot (you would have thought I dropped a 2 gallon Big Gulp on the floor) I left both cups on his counter.   Fifty cents for an extra cup, really?!  That is extortion in my opinion and not nice.   I’m now doing my stops at the Cumberland Farms.

2) The intersection of CR39A and Rt 27! – The place where allowing a car to merge in front of you is as welcome as a root canal or IRS audit!  It’s also totally racist where German sedans have no tolerance for American hybrids or trucks (and vice versa).    I could tell you the way to avoid this area but why would I want to ruin my good thing!!!

Yes, I know this is the one in Riverhead!

3) CVS Pharmacy (Southampton & East Hampton) – It’s the Motor Vehicles of pharmacies!   While I have no complaints about the general staff, you know the human cashiers etc.   The pharmacy has long lines and an indifferent staff that really gets annoyed with questions.   But if that wasn’t enough,  try to deal with their automated phone system!   Lord help you if you need an Epi pen in a hurry!

4) Cavinola’s Cheese Shop (Sag Harbor)- Yes, apparently Ina Garten thinks this shop is the big cheese..  but I think it’s more tres fromage! The selection is actually extensive and good but please don’t dare question the prices.  When I made the mistake of grimacing at one particular price, I got an annoyed response of “then don’t buy it.”   Wow, that was nice!  So guess what… I didn’t …..and that cheese stood alone!   I then took a quick trip to Schivoni’s who also has a great selection for a fraction of the price!    I mean, I shop at Round Swamp Farm so I’m not afraid of prices but at least be friendly!  What do I need to bring a camera crew!?

 

5) Nick & Toni’s (the bar) – This is not about the restaurant or the employees.  It’s about the patrons who sit at the bar.   If you spend any time in the Hamptons there are going to be nights when nobody is around and you want to go out and mingle and have some dinner.  Well if you’re sitting at the bar at N&T’s bring a book.     The atmosphere there is so chilly you’ll feel like a Kardashian walking into the  Maidstone Club.  But hey, sometimes you wanna go where (signing the “Cheers” theme) “nobody wants to know your name.

Honorable Mention:  Rushmeyer’s in Montauk.   The perfect place to hang if you’re going out on daddy’s credit card.     It’s like “Logan’s Run” meets the Hamptons.

I’ve been whining with my Sancerre for years now about the state of Mexican cuisine here in the Hamptons.      While we still don’t have a decent sit down restaurant (yes, I revisited Blue Parrot one more time, it was awful and expensive -$20 burrito with what I’m pretty sure was microwaved chicken) that serves a full south of the border menu we do have another entry into the good… actually really good food to go category.   Formerly of the Wainscott Seafood shop, chef Peter Ambrose has taken his successful Endless Summer brand and opened a new taco shop at the home of the former “Food and Co.”
“Pete’s Endless Summer Taco Shop” is a welcome addition to east end cuisine.    The menu which features his famous fish tacos, along with such delicacies as braised duck, nori brined applewood barbecue chicken (which blew me away… really good) and vegan selections is fairly basic but full of gourmet varieties of the Mexican treats.    There are no fajitas or burritos on the menus but there’s plenty here to choose from and at a really reasonable prices, especially for the Hamptons.     Prices start at $5 per taco or 3 for $13-$16 and make this easy to go down.   Fries, salads, fresh guacamole and home made grilled tomato salsa are also available.    If you want more information go to www.peterambrose.com or call them at 631-527-5515.    Pete’s Endless Taco Shop is located at 283 Pantigo Road, East Hampton.   Also make sure to try the deserts from Jennifer Corzzo… delicious!

An Über Bad Problem… Calling Der Kommissar!

One of my favorite apps in the world UBER is adding fuel to an already raging fire and has more than a few Hamptonite’s lederhosen in bunches!   They’ve offering rides between NYC and the east end through a helicopter site called Blade.    These “UBER CHOPPER” rides are a flat rate of $2500 for a five seat chopper ride.  This is just another reason the battle for quiet skies is getting louder on the East End.  New helicopter routes and flying patterns are making life a thunderous hell for thousands of residents at all hours of the day and night in the Hamptons.   In fact, according to sources complaints about air traffic noise have tripled in just one year alone!

 

That’s why you’re likely seeing some new bumper stickers around town declaring “HELICOPTERS SUCK – JUST SAY NO TO HTO.”     A quick tutorial now, HTO is the FAA code for East Hampton Airport.     Anyway, In my assessment and I’m no expert, it’s more than just a quality of life issue that has residents and officials concerned.   It’s also simple economics effecting the housing markets and tax base.   I know I hear the argument, the helicopters help create jobs.   But a few pilots from Teterboro or Rockaway are not exactly a boom to local business.   The bottom line is hundreds of residents are filing for tax reductions due to the constant thunder resulting in an alleged decrease of property values.    So wait, let me see if I get this right … a few pilot jobs in New Jersey versus a decreasing tax base here in the Hamptons?    Anyway, one way to help stop this register a complaint.   Go to the towns web site next time your house is being buzzed and you feel like you’re living through you’re own personal “Airport ’75.”   File a complaint here at the noise complaint website and have your voice heard (hopefully over the engine and blade noise).     

Activist against the airport noise are not trying to ban the traffic all together but rather limiting the hours of the facility.    Learn more from the Quiet Skies Coalition!    I mean really, LAX closes at 11 pm but East Hampton Airport stays open all night?!    A 24 Hour airport really?!   We don’t even have a shoe repair, doggie daycare, good Mexican restaurant but we’re the town that never sleeps according to the airport!   Besides everyone who saw Jaws 2 knows helicopters and beaches don’t mix!

 

Friday Funny on Saturday…. Commedian Steve Rannazzisi brings “Manchild” to Bay Street Theatre.

We here at “The Chatter” like a good laugh every now and then, especially during the busy summer months.   So when we aren’t busy reading the Yelp reviews for Harlow in Sag Harbor, we are on the  look out for anything to help us forget the 5 hours we spent grid locked on Route 27.     Well, let me tell you, I have cure for those summer time blues and it comes in the form of comedian Steve Rannazzisi who will be presenting “Manchild” this Monday night June 30th at Bay Street Theatre in Sag Harbor at 8pm.    If the face looks familiar it could be you recognize him from films like “For Your Consideration,” Comedy Central specials or his starring role on the FX series “THE LEAGUE.”

A native of Smithtown, Long Island Rannazzisi is no stranger to the Hamptons and is aware of our current Kardashian Krisis. “They’re ruining the planet earth!   Has anyone called Billy Joel, maybe he can do a commercial to help?”   Taking inspiration for his stand up from everyday observations, he describes his comedy as more “R rated and a little less PG.”   Having been discovered on stage by Ashton Kutcher, his salty humor was put to years in his participation on the MTV show “Punk’d.”    A sort of edgy “Candid Camera,” where celebrities are often the targets.  One of his favorites involved him being the tow truck driver who takes actor Tracy Morgan’s car from valet to flatbed.  “It was hysterical, I told him I had to take it to Barstow which is a couple hours away.  When we revealed the gag, Tracy went crazy laughing he was such a good sport about it.”

While he preps for the sixth season of “The League,” Rannazzisi is taking some time to return to the comedy stage.  “It’s the greatest experience to perform in front of people.   While I love doing the TV show, working with some great people… nothing is more fun than when a live audience is right in front of you.”    As you can see from the clip below he’s definitely comfortable on the stage and after you watch, I’m sure you’ll want to buy tickets here (click here) for his performance this Monday night!   See you there!