5 REASONS WHY ‘HOME GOODS’ IS ACTUALLY GOOD FOR WAINSCOTT!

The future home of Home Goods in Wainscott.
In case you haven’t been paying attention, there’s been a lot of complaining about the new Home Goods Store currently under construction in Wainscott.    The building has been criticized for everything from being too close to the road to out of character for the Hamptons!   Really people?  Really?   It has cedar shingles, dormers and is no bigger than some guest cottages here on the east end.  It’s also alot better looking than the old Plitt Ford car dealership.  So why all the fuss?!!!  Well I guess some people here in the Hamptons have nothing else better to do.  So, that’s I’m here to put some of these Debbie and Donald Downers in line.   Besides, if you people stop the new Home Goods from coming to town, where else will I be able to buy an irregular coffee table, brand new Patrick Nagel prints or discontinued Isaac Mizrahi soap dishes?   In fact, there are bigger ugly fish to fry.  So, how about doing something with these local eyesores?

Located at the Hamptons Jitney stop in Wainscott, these cement benches are part of the welcome gate to some of the most expensive real estate in the country.    But admit it, you too thought they look like someone plucked them straight out of Pinelawn.  There is nothing attractive about these benches.   How about some Adirondack Chairs or perhaps a nice rope hammock? Those would be more Hamptons and you won’t need a Mary grotto to make it look complete!

A yabba dabba don’t!

It’s dusty, it’s rocky and it looks more like the gateway to Bedrock than the Hamptons!   Hello why can’t they make the quarry of Southampton Masonry more attractive!?   Yes, it’s a quarry but there is no reason they can’t plant some nice shrubs or something.  I mean,  use your imagination people!   Hire a talented landscaper and put some flair back on route 27.   Since it’s a rock pit and already looks like a home for a prehistoric family, why not add a Bedrock/Flintstones theme?!  Stop by the place in Southampton with all the dinosaurs out front.   I personally would love to see some Dino or Fred topiary!   It could be the year round Pumpkintown for Wainscott.   Besides, selling $20 juice boxes and souvenir photos with Fred and Wilma could be very profitable.

Holy creepazoids Batman, how come nobody is complaining about this seasoned greeting in Wainscott? Is it the pale complexion? Is it the beady eyes or the gaping open mouth that I find so odd?   I’m frightened every time I drive by!   This Santa looks like he’s an advertisement for Jerry Sandusky’s Christmas Kayaking adventure Camp.   I have nothing against Main Beach surf shop, Kayaks or even Santa but that mannequin is scarier than H-E-Double hockey sticks!!   There has to be a friendlier looking figure to go into this boat ? What about a real guy in Santa outfit or simplify with some holiday lights on a kayak without anybody on board?
Let’s hide behind the chainsaws!

You know that commercial for Geico on the air now?  It’s a group of teenagers running away from a Freddy Kruger kind of character and they make a “bad decision” and run into a creepy barn with chainsaws everywhere… well they filmed that here.   Yes, the former Star Room and Swamp location is scarier now than it was when it was littered with self entitled 20-somethings driving their Ferrari’s and Lamborgini’s and sipping $1000 bottles of D.P. at their reserved tables.   I’m not sure why this building hasn’t sold yet…. all it needs is some paint and a bulldozer!    Hey, what ever happened to CVS going in there anyway?

Finally, there is “Home Sweet Home Moving and Storage.”   It’s a good moving company and in fact, I recommend them to clients frequently.  But address the elephant in the room.  There is NOTHING “homey” or “sweet” about corrugated tin buildings.    Perhaps if they did a big needle point on the side of the building it would seem a lot more home sweet home like.  Think the old logo for the game show “Family Feud” being placed on the side of the building.

Time to wrap this up.  Other than the simple fear of an unintended drive through, the building is attractive and done by a group of professionals who in my opinion did a good job of keeping within the area’s aesthetic.    The business will bring jobs to the area and help a lot of residents pull a home together on a tight budget.    Let’s not waste our breath complaining about what is essentially a nice building that will help the community while there are empty shelves at the food pantries and actual homeless folks on the street!  Happy Holidays and remember you are lucky and blessed you live in one of the most beautiful places on earth!

Hamptons Multiplicity…. Directions Appreciated! Plus, Annie Hall Hits the Hamptons!

When I first moved out here, I lived on Three Mile Harbor Rd. in East Hampton, I mean Drive… actually it was Road!  Well that is exactly my point.   There’s a song by U2 called “Where the Streets Have No Name” but I sing a different tune here in the Hamptons.   It’s called where the “Where the Streets are Named Same!”

This particular problem was such a dilemma at my old house, Amazon Packages went to the address on Three Mile Harbor Drive and the group house there enjoyed my dvd copies of “Super Size Me” and the Star Wars box set!   It also was the cause of me nearly hitting a 4 ton boulder when a delivery meant for Drive ended up at my house on the Road and I plowed down my flag lot going 40 miles an hour (yes, too fast I know).    It also was also responsible for one of the greatest surprise of my life….. a new BMW convertible.    It was also a huge disappointment when said convertible was quickly picked up for the charity event on Three Mile Harbor Hog Creek (all true).    Doesn’t everybody want to live on a road called Hog Creek?   I mean its almost as glamorous as saying I live on Swamp Road with my own cement pond.

I know addresses for a living and even I find it confusing.  So while giggling about the drunken visitors with cab drivers that need a good two hours to make it from Bobby Van’s to their rented house on Hildreth (“no, it’s the one with cedar shingles and a pool in the backyard!”),  I started thinking, what are some of the most confusing addresses on the East End?     So, consulting my HC board of distrustees I threw the question out, “what are some of the most confusing common street names in the Hamptons?”    While I’m here to give you the results of my inquiry, let me first say if you live on a street named after a tree, you’re already screwed.  Also, if you’re going to any location in the Hamptons, make sure you get some cross streets for your GPS.  Because if you try calling from the car, odds are you won’t get a cell signal anyway!  So here they are in no way a thorough or scientific analysis; the more confusing addresses/street locations in the Hamptons where if you are hosting a party there…. give directions!

THE TREE STREETS:  Oak –17 Streets in Southampton and 7 in East Hampton, Cedar – (including Points, Views etch) 18 streets in Southampton and 6 in East Hampton, Pine – 23 in Southampton and 4 in East Hampton.

THE OLD FAMILY STREETS: Hildreth – (not including the stores) 9 streets in Southampton and 2 in East Hampton.    Halsey –10 in Southampton and 0 in East Hampton (I guess they couldn’t get a table at the old Della Femina) and Gardners – 4 in Southampton and 5 in East Hampton.   Luckily there are only one Tony Tiska’s Path and Uncle Leo’s Lane in all the Hamptons.

THE WATER STREETS: Bay – 24 in Southampton including the views and 12 in East Hampton, Ocean – 9 in Southampton and 8 in East Hampton, Beach – 8 in Southampton and 7 in East Hampton.

THE LOCATIONS: Middle – 5 in Southampton and 3 in East Hampton, Northwest – 1 in Southampton and 3 in East Hampton, Main – 3 in Southampton and 5 in East Hampton.

My suggestion for each town is to sell off the duplicate street names to corporate sponsors and lower our taxes.   But please for goodness sake, I will never live on Walmart or Chick-fil-A Boulevards!

My Autographed Copy!!!

Finally, some good celebrity news on the East End.   Sources tell me actress Diane Keaton’s recent book signing at BookHampton was a smashing success!  Not only did the actress stay and sign every copy of “Let’s Just Say it Wasn’t Pretty,” she was also hugging and posing for photos and laughing it up with the fans and staff of the store.    I never met Diane Keaton but always wanted to get the chance.   It’s so nice to hear about somebody so accomplished taking time to say hello to the average Joes…. If you can call Hamptons residents “average Joes.”