Hamptons

Date Night Advice in the Hamptons and the Best Burger!?

So a few years ago, I did a posting about how when it comes to dating, where you go can tell you a lot about the person.   It’s also a good guide to picking the right location for someone who is truly special.  Well as we all know, it’s always changing here on the East End with new restaurants and some of the old favorites.  So here is my updated 2012 dating guide for Hamptons restaurants.  This is more geared towards the ladies but guys, use it as a guide as well.   Perhaps you can make a better impression on your next blind date.

Restaurant: Nick and Toni’s , The Palm or East Hampton Grill

What does it say: If it’s on a Friday or Saturday night.. it means they have connections. They’re also not short on cash and willing to go head to head with some of the biggest attitudes in the Hamptons. If they order the zucchini chips (N&T) onion rings (Palm) or buttermilk biscuits (EHG) they’re daring… not afraid of calories because they’ll be at the gym in the morning. It also says, they really know the menu. If the bartenders or waitresses know them by first name, they’re generous and good tippers. They deserve a least a second date or to go a few bases. If you’re date is on a Sunday or prixe-fixe night, it’s up to your discretion.

Additional Advice: My advice hasn’t changed much since last time on these, avoid topics or conversations dealing with the following: ex-wives, alimony or investing with Bernie Madoff.  Notably missing from this list is the American Hotel which I think has truly earned it’s reputation as the wax museum of the Hamptons.   If you go on a date there, you’re probably double dating with someones parents and as Whoopi said in GHOST, “you’re in danger girl!”

Restaurant: Players Club & Agave (Bridgehampton)


What does it say: Chances are your date is a summer renter here in the Hamptons. They’re still new to the scene so if you’re waiting for that invitation to Gwyneth’s or Sarah Jessica Parker’s forget it. If this is a first date, finish the evening and change your cell number. You can do better.  Besides, if it were in the city you know they’d be taking you to Scores or El Torito!

Additional Advice: Avoid topics relating to home ownership in the Hamptons, real estate, St. Barth’s at Christmas and flying coach versus first class.

Restaurant: 1770 House

What does it say: Your date obviously knows some of the hidden treasures of the Hamptons. It also says, they’re willing to go to a quiet place and they’re not afraid to hold a conversation with you.  You’re date is likely confident and not afraid to spend a little extra for something special. Now, I want to be clear we’re talking about the upstairs restaurant here… if you end up in the downstairs pub it only says one thing to me; THEY’RE MARRIED!

Additional Advice: If your upstairs you can pretty much discuss anything, they obviously are open and willing to talk. If your DOWNSTAIRS avoid discussing wives, mistresses, explaining difficult things to children and commuting to the city from Nassau County.

Restaurant: Almond

What does it say: If it’s Friday night and he’s taking you to Almond, he’s gay! If you already knew he was gay… then just enjoy he probably knows a lot of people.

Additional Advice: If it’s Saturday, I’m not quite sure what to do but I think you’ve done ok. If it’s Friday and your on a hetero date… avoid topics like musicals, football and closets. It will only make you both uncomfortable.

My last note today and probably the most obvious!

Restaurant: Cyril’s or Murph’s Tavern

What does it say: People go to Cyril’s and Murph’s for one reason; to drink!  If someone actually takes you there on a date it could be they’re  fresh out of rehab or about to go! I would also be suspect of everyone your date just said hello to, odds are they’re tomorrow’s date! If you drove separately (hopefully you did) pretend to get a text message and leave immediately to deal with a “personal issue.”

Additional Advice: Avoid such topics as binge drinking, rehab, STD’s, sobriety or monogamy!  Also having the number for a cab service in speed dial will be really helpful!

If like last time,  today’s blog offends anyone.. I apologize, it was written with a sense of humor. But remember, there’s a little bit of truth in every jest!  Finally, a little poll…. Who has the best burger in the Hamptons.   I’ve asked a few folks and these five seem to be the frontrunners.    Remember to vote early and often!

 

Hamptons Hostility… If you miss the city don’t worry, there are plenty of unfriendly places here too!

I have an old friend named Hope, not that she’s old but I’ve known her forever. Anyway, she used to have this idea that New Yorkers are basically masochistic at heart.  They loved to be abused.  She often toyed with the idea of opening a restaurant named “Insults,”  where diners can come for a good meal and get insulted as they dine.  Now, I personally loved the idea, I knew it would be successful too!  I mean it took the term “home style” to the next level!  It was like a Saturday night at my house growing up!!!

Anyway, this theory explains why some of the most popular places on the East End are some of it’s most unfriendly!  So where, who , why?   Here is my list; THE TOP 5… Hostile Hamptons Hot Spots!!!

Normal people sit over there!   We will ignore you!

1) Navy Beach – Sure the views are great and the crowd is good looking but unless you’re hanging with Giselle or Kate Upton you can forget about getting decent service.   I went a few days ago with some of my middle aged friends, yeah the ones in their early 40’s and late 30’s.  We couldn’t get the waitress’ attention for anything.   The food came out sporadically, some had food others didn’t.  When we asked management, it was brought to our attention that the order was too confusing so it was our fault half of us weren’t being fed!   As for getting a second round of drinks, I would have been better off going to Gossman’s to get them.

2) Citarella East Hampton – “Excuse me mam’ if I could get a half pound of the Alpine Lace Low Fat Swiss.”  “Excuse me.. ?”   “Excuse me mam’?!”  “Can I get… (she cuts me off) “YEAH I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.”   Charming!  But if only this were an isolated incident.   While the guys in the fish department are actually friendly, it doesn’t make up for the rest of the store.  I guess if you don’t enjoy your job, you’re not exactly smiling to the customers. There must be a lot of unhappy people at Citarella.

3) Goldberg’s Bagels (Southampton) –  To me the Goldberg’s in Southampton is last chance to get a cup of coffee before hitting the highway.  But yet, it’s nothing like going into the Bagdad Cafe.   It’s surly city with an exclamation point!!!   But unlike other establishments,  I know, I actually think I got a handle on why they’re not happy flipping their flagels!     It’s the fear of working too close to 27 and the terror they live with that a speeding BMW may one day careen off the highway and create a drive in window!   Meanwhile, if you go to Goldberg’s in East Hampton, FRIENDLY, FRIENDLY, FRIENDLY.   So I know my 27 theory must be the reason!

GROUND ZERO FOR HOSTILITY!

4) East Hampton Parking lot behind Walbaum’s – I know it’s not me but EVERYONE in that lot is nasty.  Perhaps the fact it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground has something to do with it!   It starts with the aggressive drivers and trickles right down to the overly aggressive “brownies” who are no doubt getting paid in Clearasil.  The biggest mystery to me is how it could be the nicest beach day of the year….  and that lot will still be packed!!!   WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SHOPPING NOW!?!?  Do it in the city, it’s easier!  Perhaps the heart of the unfriendly is the actual Walbaum’s!   Everyone in this place is either annoyed or uninterested!  I never went to a Soviet grocery store during the cold war but I imagine it must have been a lot like this; long lines, hostile help and lousy produce… in my opinion anyway.

5) Pierre’s Cafe Bridgehampton – Do I really need to elaborate? It’s French!  I’m talking about the little walk in place next door to the restaurant.    It’s a little bit of Paris right in the heart of the Hamptons, “you stupid American!”

I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccck! Again. Today’s topic… an unsuspecting, devastating and very stylish looking danger in the Hamptons!!!

So, June was indeed a busy month for me.  But I’m not going to go into that.  I’ve got a few good blog postings in me and I promise I’ll try to get them out soon!  So where to begin?

Innocent looking… yes!?

Well, the thing that came to mind and got me back to my keyboard was a little tidbit that came from a friend who’s a volunteer fireman in Bridgehampton.    While I see many folks out there in the Hamptons pouring into Spanks and hiking the beach in Christian Louboutin’s all for the sake of appearances.  Where am I going with this?  Well, the town of East Hampton just bought matching Moncler outfits for their entire fire department!  Just kidding.   Let me get back to my point that is really actually quite off point.

Well you know those shiny candle lanterns that adorn so many Hamptons landscapes, well apparently they’re  deadly?  Ok, well maybe not deadly but they created a virtual TOWERING INFERNO the other day in Bridgehampton that would do Irwin Allen proud!   Apparently one home owner left one of these stylish and sleek adornments outside during last weeks heat wave.  The problem was the glass on the lantern acted as a sort of magnifying glass and burned a hole right in the side of the unsuspecting homeowners beautiful cedar shake abode!  YIKES!   Talk about a need for some Restoration Hardware… get it?

Finally, a little chuckle from the crazy tenants file!  You know that red switch for the furnace and hot water heater?  Well in some of the older homes, these switches look like something more out of Doctor Frankensteins lab.  I mean Dr. Frankunsteen’s lab.   Anyway, its a bad place for your wife to hang her purse!  Because when you hang a purse on the switch, it goes down and the furnace goes off and you have no hot water.  It’s that simple.  You’re a CEO and you needed me to figure that one out?!  Just saying!

Hamptons Showdown Part 1… why, where and how much! And MANGIA in E. Hampton!

Well it’s that time of the year where you need to mark your calendars and your Marc Jacobs outfits to what weekend benefit you’re going to hit this coming summer.    If you ever saw that mini-series by Barbara Koppel “The Hamptons,”  you know it’s all about the benefits.  What you wear, who you’re seen with and what publication takes your picture!  Since there are so many benefits this summer, I’m going to break this into two parts this summer and give you the pluses the minuses of this summer’s benefits.

Kicking it all off on 5/26/12 is Miracle House Summer Kickoff – Miracle House is a non-profit extended stay facility that provides housing, counseling and support for those seeking treatment in NYC and need assistance.   The location is the Bridgehampton Surf an Tennis Club.. and this is a huge event.

While it started as an AIDS charity and therefore has a strong gay following,  it benefits everyone from young to old with any illness.  Tickets start at $300 and go up!

The best reason to go: Taylor Dayne will be performing live and it’s a ton of fun for a great cause.  Potential Reason to skip it:  Most of the “boys” will be better dressed than you and in better shape!

6/2/12
Southampton Fresh Air Home Sale and Auction Benefit Gala – Southampton FAH provides a camp experience for physically challenged youth with sailing, swimming, hiking, etc.   The benefit is held at their facility on
Barkers Island Road in Southampton  It’s one of the more mellow benefits of the season but it’s a who’s who’s mixer for everyone in Southampton.   Tickets once again go for $300 and up.

The best reason to go:  The furniture in the silent auction is amazing stuff… they’re are also great trips and everything from teeth whitening to fishing trips available! Potential reason to skip it:  The auction items here don’t go for TJ Maxx prices (it’s the Hamptons folks, people are generous) and the tooth whitening I won two years ago cost me like $20k after the dentist discovered my need for 3 root canals!

6/16/12
The Retreat – Artists Against Abuse – The Retreat is a safe house for victims of family violence in addition to conducting educational outreach programs that advocate non-violence.   It’s one of the more relaxed benefits of the summer and usually a great time!  The benefit will be held at the Ross School facilities on Butter Lane (same as last year). Tickets start at $150 for the pre-party and go up from there!

The best reason to go: The ART !  Hello everyone from Dan Rizzi (this year’s honoree) to April Gornick and Ross Bleckner have been featured at previous auctions.  The selection is amazing. Potential Reason to skip it:  Have you seen any work from Bob Ross of PBS fame? NO! Plus, add insult to injury, no potential fluorescent works to replace my Led Zepplin poster under the black lightt!!!

6/23/12
 American Heart Association’s Heart of the Hamptons – Widely recognized as a premier philanthropic and festive event in the Hamptons. The Heart of the Hamptons Ball has raised over $2.5 million for the American Heart Association since it began 15 years ago.   The event is held at the Hayground School in Bridgehampton on Mitchell’s Lane.  Tickets start at $500 and go up.

The best reason to go:  The Goody Bag is one of the best of the season!   Have you seen any wrinkles on my face lately!?  NO, that’s because I got this amazing moisturizer in last years bag!   Potential Reason to skip it:   Just because you devour every passed hors d’ourves at the cocktail hour doesn’t mean you have an inside track for winning those training sessions in the silent auction.  FAT ALARM!

Finally, according to their Faceboook page, the new and improved Red Horse Market is open for business!!! I’m totally psyched and once again Pasquale’s fresh home made mozzarella will be a staple for my summer dinner parties.   The hours according to the page are 6am to 9pm!  How cool, I don’t have to rush home from work to make a 6pm closing time!!  The phone is 631-324-9500 if you want more details! MANGIA!!!