summer

The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave…. Dealing With Guests that Don’t Take Hints!

It’s about a week to go till all hell breaks loose here in the Hamptons.    We’re of course talking about the official beginning of the summer season.   So while we trumpet the return of warm weather,  the traffic jams and Lyme disease there’s also something else on the horizon.   As anyone who lives on the east end can tell you….. it’s the return of the house guests!

Now, I know that my house is definitely much more fun now that ice has finally melted on the driveway.     So, it comes as no surprise to me that the casual requests for weekend visits increase ten fold when the mercury starts rising.

While I love the guests there are times when having visitors can become a scene more frightening than a Steven Segall movie marathon!     In fact it reminds me of the old Saturday Night Live skit (back when it was funny) of “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave” (see the video below).     So, what do you do with guests that really believe “mi casa is su casa?”

Can you get them to leave with out being insulting?   Of course you can and I’m here to tell you how to do it!   It’s a simple three phase tactic that Martha Stewart would love and yet you’ll still have them running for the doors.  You might even get a thank you note later too!

The Thing Wouldn’t Leave from AFTRS Radio on Vimeo.

Phase 1:  Internet Interception – It’s a fast paced world and one would think that when visiting one of the most beautiful locations on earth, visitors here would actually enjoy shutting the world off!   HA!  Right!   In the Hamptons where dinner tables are silent only because everyone is texting someone else more interesting at another table, staying in touch is like air to breathe.    So what better way to give a guest a gentle nudge then to cutting off their connection to the world in addition to severing them from Netflix and sending their “House of Cards” addiction into a tailspin…. unplug the wifi router!    The fear of actually having to carry a conversation is often all you need to get your life back again and send your guest fleeing.  By the way, if my sister is reading this it actually did go down when you were here last time!  I swear!

The breakfast of chumps!

Phase 2: The Morning Jolt –  They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day.   So what better way to suck the energy out of the overly intrusive guest then starting their day on the wrong foot!  Here’s how you do it!  You hide the Keurig, the Starbucks and the bagels and instead replace them with something terrifying;   Instant coffee, generic cereal and tang!    Nothing says you couldn’t care less than spending less!     After day one of having to run to town to actually get something potable and edible your guest will be dreaming of a blanket in Sheep Meadow!   “Trust me guys, Toasted Oats are actually better tasting than Cheerios!  Really!”

Yes, they’ll have a headache and you’ll get rid of one!

Phase 3: The Cold Shoulders – After a day of Soulcycle, beach combing and a walk down Ralph Lauren Boulevard….errrr… I mean Main St. East Hampton,  there is nothing more refreshing than a hot relaxing shower.   So what’s a guest going to do when the hot water runs out before they have a chance to freshen up!   But alas you won’t have to fib to your guest about a faulty hot water heater, you’ll merely tell them it’s part of your fitness routine…. you know using the cold to burn fat!     Think about this way, you’re also helping them prevent their skin from drying out and invigorating their day since they didn’t have any coffee that morning!     It’s the alternative to Canyon Ranch and the only cost is you leave the house a day early!

In summary, this blog was done in the name of helping OTHERS.   All of the guest in my house are welcome to stay as long as they want… family is welcome to stay the entire month of July….. and guests of guests of relatives of guests are also welcome!  ANYTIME!

MY FINAL THOUGHT OF TODAY:  I see they’re advertising a “new” production of Les Miserables on Broadway.    I was wondering do you get a choice of fish or chicken with this production?!

It’s so good you’ll drop your fork!

 

The Must Have Gadgets for Your Hamptons Summer 2014!

So, it’s the first day of April… and I was hoping to put some humorous April Fools joke here on the old blog but alas I can’t think of anything that would be really funny.   For example, I was going to say the Kardashians are coming to the Hamptons… but as we all know the joke is on us and they are REALLY COMING!   So, if you think about it, nothing is as funny as the truth in the Hamptons!   So, that’s why I’m just going to start think positive thoughts and start my countdown to summer.

One of the things I like doing this time of year is peruse the catalogs and websites for some cool stuff for this coming summer.    You know, the must have conversation pieces for this summer BBQ or pool party!   So, here are some of my favorites for the Summer 2014 in no particular order.

THE GRASS PRINTER:  This gadget makes it possible to mow graphics or messages right onto your lawn!  It’s also ideal for real estate agents when the owner won’t let you post a sign.  “That’s fine but you really do need your lawn cut for the open house.   Do you mind if I take care of it for you?”  Now the lawn says “FOR SALE – CALL FOR APPOINTMENT.”    Just imagine how good my profile will look in Kentucky Blue Grass!   Apparently this gadget won some “Red Dot Design” concept and while I’m not sure what exactly that means, I guess it’s good.   I also imagine setting this loose on my neighbor’s lawn that’s overgrown saying “cut me!”   There’s no information right now on cost but you can click the link here for more information.

THE WINE LOCK:  This is the perfect device for those of who have housemates who like to take a nip here or there without bothering to replace the vino!   Why they didn’t have this when I was in college I’ll never know.   But for $21.99 a lock, I could have protected my six packs for a around $125 bucks!   While I’m not really sure I need this in my house,  I would strongly suggest it as a house warming gift for anyone doing a group share.    You can buy these right now on AMAZON…. but I have no idea if they’ll sell them in bulk.

THE OUTDOOR TV:  If you’re like me you miss going to the drive-in theatre during the summer months.   But as they say, everything old is new again.   For a mere $7000 bucks, you can get a weatherproof 65″ LED TV to put up in the back yard or post on the front of your garage!    The TV is operational in temperatures up to 120 degrees Fahrenheit and as low as 20 degrees below.   Also great for kids who won’t go outside to see friends… now they can be antisocial and play video games in the outdoors!     It’s the must have for Hamptons couch potatoes!   Here’s the link for more info!

DJI PHANTOM VISION 2:    Oh, if only Gladys Kravitz had been alive for this one!   It’s a complete aerial camera system that transmits images directly to your smartphone!      It’s the best way to see if your neighbors are having a better summer than you without having to fish for a lunch invitation!    You can fly for up to 25 minutes on a single charge and it also comes with a GPS return to home device.   It’s available now for only $1,999.00 from B&H Photo.

THE SKYBELL:   Unfortunately, not all of us can afford to have a butler answer the door and send away all of those unwanted house guests!  Luckily, we have the SkyBell Wifi Doorbell.   No, this isn’t  an exclusive offering from Sky Mall but I’m sure they have it there too!   You can see, speak to and send away those guest while sipping a margarita in your pool.. via your smart phone!    It’s also perfect for ignoring Jehovah’s Witnesses, Girl Scouts and Amway sales people.     It’s available online from Amazon or directly from SkyBell for about $200 bucks.   To me it’s a no brainer, why do I have to stop watching my outdoor TV, while spying on my neighbors and drinking from my locked bottle of wine while relaxing on my lawn that says “go away” to answer the stupid door!    Hey, I can’t wait for the summer of ’14!

 

 

5 Big Reasons Your House Hasn’t Rented… Plus, News from the 31 Flavors!

So we’ve come to that time of the year when homeowners far and wide start calling real estate offices and saying, “How come nobody has rented OUR house?!”   Well, it’s never easy getting to the bottom of the issue but there are 5 points that seem to be the do or die of Hamptons rentals.    I’ve spoken to agents all over the east end and the common responses seem to be the following….

From badmlsphotos.com MESSY AND DATED!

1) Dated Interiors – Does your home look like a chic clean hotel room or your great aunts house that hasn’t been updated since after the Eisenhower administration?! Think about who the people are that rent for the summer season.  It’s mostly successful urban professionals who  want clean, modern and easy to maintain interiors.   Expensive rugs, white sofas and antique end tables may all look great but they scare the heck out of potential tenants who fear losing money (security deposits).   Just think about it this way, if you were checking into a hotel and it looked like your house, would you wan to stay there?    If not, go to Pottery Barn and get yourself some new digs.    It may not be everyone’s bag but it’s what rents!

2) Smells – Everyone loves the smell of “home” but if that involves wet dog or cigarettes, I can guarantee you nobody is going to want to rent your house.    But that doesn’t mean if you’re a dog lover (like me) or a smoker (like my dog) your out of luck.    Call a local carpet cleaner and have both the rugs and furniture done.    It’s also not a bad idea to cook some cookies before showing the house.    It’s not about the smell, although it don’t hurt.  It’s really about the cookies.  Brokers and agents always like to eat and when they’re happy the potential renters are happy (Hint: Chocolate Chip)!

Man’s best and smelliest friend!

3) Access – Make it easy for agents to show your property.     Be ready to show your house at any time or any day.    Thursday’s between 1-4 while good for you might not work for most agents.    Renting a home is going to be a bit of a task, you’re going to have to keep it clean while showing and be ready at a moments notice.   There’s a reason why you’re getting that big check, nothing in life is that easy!    If your really want to promote your house, think about hosting a weekend open house to encourage easy showing.

4) Be A Fair Landlord – Here’s something you might not have thought of but agents in the Hamptons talk to each other!  Now, how is that going to effect your chances for renting?   Well if last season you involved the agent in a war over a $2000 deduction for a broken coffee cup, odds are you’re a marked man or woman!    As I said in a previous blog, document the condition of your home but don’t look for the deposit to be an income generator!   There are landlords who have a reputation for being unpleasant and difficult and agents avoid showing these homes like the plague.    So you want a few names?  You’ll have to buy me a drink first! HA!

5) Price – ahhhhh the last and most important item on the list.   As a builder once told me on the east end, “there’s a butt for every seat…. it just depends on how much they’re willing to pay for the chair.”
You’re house doesn’t have to look like something from Architectural Digest but then again don’t ask the same price of the house that really was in the magazine!   If you’re curious about what price to ask for a summer rental, my generic rule of thumb has always been 3.5% to 5% of the value of the home for Memorial Day to Labor Day with August garnering half of that amount.     Now, I know not every agent or broker will agree with the formula but I’ve always found it’s a fairly good place to start.

Finally, speaking of open houses… yes I mentioned them in paragraph 3…. My best friends sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who spoke to the broker at the 31 Flavors last night who told me they heard I really don’t give out the I-
Pads at my open houses.  Well I have news for you… yes I do!   I always say agents show what they know and it’s my job to get them there!  That’s my promise to my sellers.  One thing that I’ve found that works is a good “give away.”   So don’t believe me ask Peter Moore of Corcoran, Mary Slattery of Corcoran, Ann Ciardullo of Sotheby’s, Nancy Howell of Corcoran or Justin Agnello of Douglas Elliman among others…. It’s the real deal!   So as for the gossip monger at the 31 Flavors,  “You’re still here?  It’s over.. it’s over.  Go Home!”

How Your Iphone Can Save You a Bundle on Your Hamptons Summer Rental…. Plus, Answering Those Pesky Questions About Insurance in the Hamptons!!!

As Roseanne Roseanneadanna used to say, “it’s always something” and that goes double for anyone who is thinking about becoming a landlord or tenant during the Hamptons rental season.    While the always informative John Viteritti recently suggested in Hamptons.com to get it in writing, the incidents of craziness somehow still manage to find themselves into both sides of the equation. Yes,

Roseanne Rosanneadanna

the tenant who demands a refund because the toaster doesn’t work on one side or the landlord who changes the locks because you’ve had too many house guests (yes, both are true incidents), having things in writing is really really important.   But you know there’s one other thing that both sides can do to protect themselves, their wallets and their sanity; take pictures!   Yep, a simple photograph and not anything provocative that a landlord might find say in a porn movie or magazine and get upset about (yeah, that happened out here too) but rather pictures of the furniture, the rugs, the walls and of the general condition of the house.

The Summer tenant and landlords potential best friend!
It’s so simple and with smart phones now taking better quality photos than ever before there is no excuse.    If you’re the landlord or the tenant, go through the house from top to bottom and make sure you show the sofa stain that was or wasn’t there.    Show the rug that has the coffee stain or that was just freshly cleaned.  In other words, make sure that you document the condition of the house!   I’ve seen way too many fights over security deposits to name so why not take the extra half hour and get proof about the condition of the property.   In most smart phones, the photographs and videos are saved with time and date so that also eliminates any question about when potential damages happened.    So take it from me and no matter how nice your landlord or tenants seem, tell the sofa to say “cheese” and take it’s picture.     You’ll thank me later… its good insurance that your protected!

Speaking of insurance, it’s one of the most widely asked questions by potential buyers in the Hamptons.   In fact, Mr. Richard Failor from Fort Lee, NJ recently wrote me and asked;  Can I get insurance in the Hamptons? Will it be expensive?   Do I have to buy insurance on my house?  What about flooding?  Hey, you know what Mr. Failor, you’re driving me nuts!    So rather than spending time to research and answer all of your annoying questions, I sat down with John Wiltershire who is director in the personal insurance department and private client services unit at Frank Crystal and Associates in Southampton and got him to give me the skinny on INSURANCE IN THE HAMPTONS……