house guests

IF YOU WANT TO GET INVITED BACK FOR SUMMER 2020?

A few years ago, I gave some homeowners the ultimate guide (click here) to getting rid of those guests that just can’t take a hint.    You know the types, that turn a two day invitation into a living hell only to discuss extending their stay!   Well, today’s blog isn’t about how to get them to leave,  it’s about giving them parameters for being invited next summer!   Yep print this out and leave it on the dresser or send this blog link with a wink and a nod and say, “but you know I don’t mean YOU!”

So here you go, my attempt at preventing animosity, hurt feelings, bruised egos…

keebler elf
I don’t work in the Hamptons!

and most of all bloodshed.  This is the ultimate Hamptons chatter guide for  houseguests on HOW TO GET INVITED BACK!

1- Pick up your dishes!  The sink isn’t magic and those dishes you leave in the sink don’t get rinsed and put into the dishwasher by a group of unemployed Keebler elves.

This means your coffee cups, wine glasses, bagel dishes and jam crusted knives need YOU  to rinse them off and put them into the dishwasher!   If the said washer is dirty and the housekeeper has the day off, here’s a great way to earn brownie points… empty the thing!!!

2- Don’t use a new towel every ten minutes!    Most of us don’t have a full time staff or an unlimited supply of bath and beach towels.     One of the biggest complaints I hear from Hamptons homeowners is when guests go through the linen closet booty like tissue paper.

Try limiting your use to one beach/pool towel and one bath towel.   Unless you’re helping with the lawn or cleaning my septic tank, odds are you can hang your towels and reuse the next day!

3-Don’t drink (or eat) more than you bring –  If you bring one bottle of Boone’s Farm Blue Hawaiian wine feel free to drink it and offer your host a glass.  Do not take said Blue Hawaiian put it on a shelf and then proceed to drink all of my Sancerre.  That’s just not nice!    Buy a nice bottle of wine anytime you visit the Hamptons … it’s the right thing to do.  Also, if you plan on going on a bender, it’s a good idea to make it a case.

4- No fighting –  You might not think this needs to be mentioned but believe you me…. it’s worth bringing up.     If you want to be a good guest don’t fight with the hosts, don’t fight with the other guests and don’t fight with your companion.    This means avoid drinking too much, don’t talk about politics and religion and don’t be cranky.   Always remember, you got invited because your hosts enjoy your company…. be enjoyable!

5- If you’re in a bad mood or don’t feel like socializing don’t come!   Yes, most Hamptons homes have wi-fi.  Yes,  the guest rooms are comfortable.   Yes, most have central air.   But if that’s an excuse for staying in your room all day, why are you even there!!!!????     Stay in the city or check into a Holiday Inn express… you’ll feel smarter!

6 – Eat in the Kitchen – Do you do that at your own home?   Do not take Toasted Coconut Entenmann Donuts without a napkin into the bedroom or anywhere else around the house.    Also, eating your chicken salad sandwich with a side of guac and chips in the pool and hot tub is kind of a faux pas.

7- Wear clothes around the house –  I know.   I didn’t think this needed mentioning TOO but butts aren’t always good.   Especially if you’re sitting in someone’s living room.    But  then again if you look like a supermodel….

Now excuse me, as I wrap up this blog.  I’ll now get off my soapbox and put some of that soap in the washer and start cleaning more of your towels.

HAMPTONS PEOPLE: THE ONE APP YOU MUST DOWNLOAD THIS WEEKEND!!!!

The menus!!! yess!

HALLELUJAH!  (Yes, I had to look it up to spell correctly)  The Hamptons is ready to enter the 21st century!  Well even though it still feels like 1975 here ( i.e. the IGA in E. Hampton), the folks at POSTMATES have decided to launch in our own quaint little part of the world.   So, I hear you now, “what is POSTMATES?”   Well it’s the only app you need to download this weekend for survival in the Hamptons.   With this app you can get delivery service in under an hour, anywhere from Southampton to Montauk!   PSYCH! That means, you can order from La Fondita (Tacos), The East Hampton Grill (French Dip),  Sam’s (Chicken Parm) and even Levain Bakery (Oatmeal Cookies) and get it delivered right to your front door.  But wait it gets better… seconds after you place the order you’ll get real time tracking information for your order.    Its also available for Android and online at Postmates.com.  Delivery fees start at 5$ and are calculated based on distance along with a 9% service fee which is applied to your order. Let’s hope these guys are the new UBER of Hamptons delivery (but not the UBER of E. Hampton)!    My friend Bernie ordered from POSTMATES last week and had his “Sam’s” at the house in 45 minutes.   But wait, it gets better…. the delivery guy refused to take the tip and was friendly!!!    I mean everyone wants a tip jar now, in fact I just saw one at the DMV last week!   Finally something we really need in the Hamptons!   I only have one question about POSTMATES that has yet to be answered:   Will they deliver one of those hot dogs from Speedway Gas?

This year, like last year my house is becoming a virtual revolving door of guests and relatives.   It’s not that I don’t love ALL my friends and relatives.   BUT every once in a while I hear some of my friends need down time.    So what can they do??   How can they get their guests to leave without being insulting?    Well here are a few easy tricks that will have them running to the Jersey Shore… and perhaps even get you a thank you host/hostess gift in the process!  So here it is…. HOUSE CLEANING 2015!

The Thing Wouldn’t Leave from AFTRS Radio on Vimeo.

Trick 1:  Internet Interception – It’s a fast paced world and one would think that when visiting one of the most beautiful locations on earth, visitors here would actually enjoy shutting the world off!   HA! In the Hamptons where dinner tables are silent only because everyone is texting someone else more interesting at another table, staying in touch is like air to breathe.    So what better way to give a guest a gentle nudge then to cutting off their connection to the world in addition to severing them from Netflix and sending their “Orange is the New Black” addiction into a tailspin…. unplug the wifi router!  Remember, cell service is a joke out here so that wifi signal is also a lifeline to e-mail, Twitter and Facebook!   I know it’s cruel but really aren’t they here to hang with you anyway?

The breakfast of chumps!

Trick 2: The Morning Jolt –  They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day.   So what better way to suck the energy out of the overly intrusive guest then starting their day on the wrong foot!  Here’s how you do it!  You hide the Keurig, the Starbucks and the bagels and instead replace them with something terrifying;   Instant coffee, generic cereal and Tang!    Nothing says you couldn’t care more by spending less!     After day one of having to run to town to actually get something potable and edible your guest will be dreaming of a blanket in Sheep Meadow!   “Trust me guys, Toasted Oats are actually better tasting than Cheerios!  Really!”

Yes, they’ll have a headache and you’ll get rid of one!

Trick 4: The Cold Shoulders – After a hot sweaty day in the beach, there is nothing more refreshing than a nice relaxing shower.   So what’s a guest going to do when the hot water runs out before they have a chance to freshen up!   But alas you won’t have to fib to your guest about a faulty hot water heater, you’ll merely tell them it’s part of your fitness routine…. you know using the cold to burn fat!     Think about this way, you’re also helping them prevent their skin from drying out and invigorating their day since they didn’t have any coffee that morning!     It’s the alternative to Canyon Ranch and the only cost is you leave the house a day early!   As for cleaning off in the pool…. that’s disgusting… shower before swimming.

Trick 4:  Keep it Dry –  Clean the house of all beer, wine and vodka and tell them it’s a booze free zone.   While yes, I know you don’t need a drink to have fun… most Hamptons visitors want their sun and their Rose.   Imagine this, a house full of hungry, sober people with no Internet reception or emails having to sit around talk to each other?     I’d leave too!

REMINDER, this blog was done in the name of helping OTHERS.   All of the guest in my house are welcome to stay as long as they want… family is welcome to stay the entire month of July….. and guests of guests of relatives of guests are also welcome!  ANYTIME!

 

The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave…. Dealing With Guests that Don’t Take Hints!

It’s about a week to go till all hell breaks loose here in the Hamptons.    We’re of course talking about the official beginning of the summer season.   So while we trumpet the return of warm weather,  the traffic jams and Lyme disease there’s also something else on the horizon.   As anyone who lives on the east end can tell you….. it’s the return of the house guests!

Now, I know that my house is definitely much more fun now that ice has finally melted on the driveway.     So, it comes as no surprise to me that the casual requests for weekend visits increase ten fold when the mercury starts rising.

While I love the guests there are times when having visitors can become a scene more frightening than a Steven Segall movie marathon!     In fact it reminds me of the old Saturday Night Live skit (back when it was funny) of “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave” (see the video below).     So, what do you do with guests that really believe “mi casa is su casa?”

Can you get them to leave with out being insulting?   Of course you can and I’m here to tell you how to do it!   It’s a simple three phase tactic that Martha Stewart would love and yet you’ll still have them running for the doors.  You might even get a thank you note later too!

The Thing Wouldn’t Leave from AFTRS Radio on Vimeo.

Phase 1:  Internet Interception – It’s a fast paced world and one would think that when visiting one of the most beautiful locations on earth, visitors here would actually enjoy shutting the world off!   HA!  Right!   In the Hamptons where dinner tables are silent only because everyone is texting someone else more interesting at another table, staying in touch is like air to breathe.    So what better way to give a guest a gentle nudge then to cutting off their connection to the world in addition to severing them from Netflix and sending their “House of Cards” addiction into a tailspin…. unplug the wifi router!    The fear of actually having to carry a conversation is often all you need to get your life back again and send your guest fleeing.  By the way, if my sister is reading this it actually did go down when you were here last time!  I swear!

The breakfast of chumps!

Phase 2: The Morning Jolt –  They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day.   So what better way to suck the energy out of the overly intrusive guest then starting their day on the wrong foot!  Here’s how you do it!  You hide the Keurig, the Starbucks and the bagels and instead replace them with something terrifying;   Instant coffee, generic cereal and tang!    Nothing says you couldn’t care less than spending less!     After day one of having to run to town to actually get something potable and edible your guest will be dreaming of a blanket in Sheep Meadow!   “Trust me guys, Toasted Oats are actually better tasting than Cheerios!  Really!”

Yes, they’ll have a headache and you’ll get rid of one!

Phase 3: The Cold Shoulders – After a day of Soulcycle, beach combing and a walk down Ralph Lauren Boulevard….errrr… I mean Main St. East Hampton,  there is nothing more refreshing than a hot relaxing shower.   So what’s a guest going to do when the hot water runs out before they have a chance to freshen up!   But alas you won’t have to fib to your guest about a faulty hot water heater, you’ll merely tell them it’s part of your fitness routine…. you know using the cold to burn fat!     Think about this way, you’re also helping them prevent their skin from drying out and invigorating their day since they didn’t have any coffee that morning!     It’s the alternative to Canyon Ranch and the only cost is you leave the house a day early!

In summary, this blog was done in the name of helping OTHERS.   All of the guest in my house are welcome to stay as long as they want… family is welcome to stay the entire month of July….. and guests of guests of relatives of guests are also welcome!  ANYTIME!

MY FINAL THOUGHT OF TODAY:  I see they’re advertising a “new” production of Les Miserables on Broadway.    I was wondering do you get a choice of fish or chicken with this production?!

It’s so good you’ll drop your fork!

 

The Hamptons… Debunking the Myths!I

I’ll never forget my first visit to the Hamptons back in the mid 80’s.    A friend of mine brought me to stay at his parents house which I think was in Southampton.   It was somewhat of a culture shock for me.   I mean I grew up going to the Jersey shore.     Margate, Cape May and Long Beach Island were all I knew of beach living.    So when I first crossed the canal… Yes, that’s really where the Hamptons begin.. it was a bit of an eyeopener.

Now that I live out here full-time, friends from near and far have questions about living in our little slice of “heaven.”   So along with their requests to visit with friends and friends of friends (I’m sorry, the house is being bug bombed that weekend), come misconceptions about what its really like to be in the Hamptons.   So, today I’m here to debunk the myths and misconceptions about life east of the canal.  Where is Quogue anyway?

It’s a movie you idiot!!!

1)  Myth:  If you’re nice to your boss maybe they’ll invite you to their beachfront property for the weekend.      

REALITY: Hello McFly, “Weekend at Bernie’s” is not real life!   You’re not that lucky, your boss isn’t going to invite you and he/she probably won’t die.   So,  even if you do somehow get an invite it’s going to be exhausting butt kissing and sucking up all weekend!   Your boss comes out here to get away… especially from you! It’s the truth.  If they liked you even a little they would have invited you already.    I don’t care if there was a “Weekend at Bernie’s 2” it’s just not going to happen!  In fact, if you bumped into them at the Golden Pear they’re going to pretend they never saw you before!  I experienced that one first hand from Harry C. years ago.  (I heard he now lives in Michigan and works as an assistant manager at Friendly’s, sometimes Karma works!)

2)  Myth: People come to the Hamptons to get mellow, relax and get away from it all.


REALITY: Wait I gotta catch my breath from this one!  MELLOW!!?? RELAX???! GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?     If you’ve ever been to The Palm on a Friday night in the summer you’ll know it isn’t true!  The overcrowded lobby where everyone dressed in designer duds is aggressive, pushy and jockeying the host stand as if they were starving and getting free government cheese (not as good as it sounds and not kind of bland tasting).   Not only that it’s networking central once you get inside the dining room.    In fact, I was there a few weeks ago with 3 friends and we didn’t even talk to each other.    They were talking business deals and I was working the room seeing who wanted to sell!     I always knew good things would come from the 837 Club!

3) Myth: There are palm trees in the Hamptons.


REALITY:  They don’t shoot “Revenge” in the Hamptons.    It’s shot in California or North Carolina or somewhere.    There are many beautiful trees on the east end, especially Scrub Oak (I’m trying to make them the new “it” thing and improve my property value).   Did I say how spectacular Scrub Oak are in the fall.  They’re beautiful in the summer too.  Boy I thing Scrub Oak are THE tree of the super wealthy and stylish.    Call me about seeing my house, it’s on the market.  By the way, whatever happened to Conrad Grayson?

4)  Myth:  The celebrities in the Hamptons at all of the benefits are refined and super glamorous! 

The only “Housewife” I want to meet!

REALITY: I have to quote Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Jr., “you don’t have to be a star baby…. to be in our” benefit.   I have to blame Andy Cohn for this one.   Now, I love you Andy and I’m happy for your success but those housewives are a nightmare!    I am an addict to the History Channel so I’ve never actually watched a “Real Housewives” of anything.     I know plenty of real housewives and personally most of them really aren’t that interesting.   So why do I care about Ramona (who screams at waiters)… or Jill (who abuses real agents (moi) about “over priced” houses which I know she couldn’t afford anyway)?    Besides, you can’t fool me they’re nothing more than Snooky in Pucci dresses.    Classy!    Now, don’t get me wrong there are some real Hollywood type celebrities out here; Alec Baldwin, Kelsey Grammer, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jerry Seinfeld and Christie Brinkley (who I swear uses a stylist to go to Yummylicious) that are well dressed and well behaved.   But lately I think they’re keeping a low profile on the benefit circuit.  I guess they heard that indicted NJ Housewife Teresa is coming to town.   Although personally, I think I’d kind of get along with that housewife.  I bet she’s been to Long Beach Island.