It’s D-Day #1 in the Hamptons… What it Really Costs to Operate on the East End!

Just in case you didn’t know, today is D-Day in the Hamptons for real estate agents (the second D-day is the first Friday in August).   It’s the day when most of the seasonal rentals move into their houses.    While many tenants get confused and call it “check in,” I’m here to remind them that renting a house is not like checking into a hotel and your real estate agent isn’t a concierge.   But while I’ll no doubt get a few calls this weekend complaining about broken toasters, lousy towels and confusing pool heaters… and yes I will try to answer them…  there is something I won’t have to deal with this season.   It’s the sticker shock from what it costs to operate a Hamptons home!    Why?  Because my mantra to every tenant is you’re essentially owning this house for the next few months and that means you’re going to have to pay for it!

So what does it cost to operate a home during the summer season on the east end?   I’m going bare bones here but let’s take a look:
They charge more to wear this!
lingeriediva.com

 

1) Maid Service – most rental contracts require the tenant to hire a maid and clean the house once a week.   Some landlords insist you use their current housekeepers (aka spies) in order to keep the house in the same order as when the tenant walked in the door.  So let’s figure 8 hours once a week at an average rate for housekeepers of $20 per hour.  Add $160 to the weekly cost and we’re off and running up that tab!
2) Lawn Service – Unless you’re willing to pull that cord on your Briggs and Stratton you’ll have to fork over a few bucks to maintain that lush green Hamptons yard.   While some yards are bigger than others (not a Smith’s song), I’m going to put the weekly lawn maintenance at about $90 a week.   Some landlords will also require you foot the bill for the gardening but for the sake of erring on the side of caution, we’ll omit that pricey little point!
Hey, you like that guy from NCIS?

3) Phone, Internet and cable – I know a large number of my customers, clients and friends choose that “Triple Play” thing from Cablevision.   For the basic package you’re looking about $80.00 a month.  While it’s not the costliest expense for the summer, if you add those extra movie channels or rent an occasional “pay-per-view”  event or flick it adds up!

4) Pool Service – Sure you can throw some chemicals in the skimmer basket and call it a day but $150.00 per week.   Now, I know you’re saying “HOW MUCH?” but remember this is the Hamptons!  You want you’re pool to sparkle… sparkle… sparkle!!! Once again if you’re a renter this is usually required in the lease and you’ll be responsible to pay for the service plus supplies (chemicals).

5) The Electric, The Heat and the Rest – Now while this depends a lot on the weather let’s put this in a logical way.  If it’s hot outside, you’re not going to heat the pool and you’re going to pump the air-conditioning.   If it’s cooler outside, you’re gong to open the windows and crank the heat on the pool.   Either way you’re going to want to spend the money (unless of course you’re my father who would never turn on the air conditioning unless it was 95 degrees) Now I might be a little high here but I don’t think I’m totally out of the park.   I’m going to put this somewhere in the neighborhood of $800 a month and that’s based on a 3500 s/f house.

Benjamins are required!!!

Ok, so let’s tally this puppy up….. click click click click click click…. change the calculator battery… clack clack clack clack!   Our grand total to own or rent a house out east is about and I say ABOUT… no haters here….  about $2500.00 per month or about $620 a week more or less.     So there you have it and I didn’t even include the $100/person pizza dinner at Serafina (which I have a new respect for… went last night and it was really good).    This isn’t the Jersey Shore folks!

Speaking of which, the New York Daily News quoted me today and I want to clarify.  I love the Jersey Shore and I’ve been many times.   I grew up going to places like Margate, Long Port and Long Beach Island.  So when I say people don’t want the Hamptons to become the Jersey Shore, I’m talking more about the show then the actual area!      Now, will someone tell my friends from home to stop giving me grief over this!  REMINDER:  I just wrote about how to get rid of house guests (scroll down)!

What’s New in the Hamptons Hood ’14… or What Happened While You Spent The Winter with People!

It has nothing to do with Nixon or Kung Fu pandadiplomacy.com

While the folks over at Curbed Hamptons talk about all the new restaurants this year, I decided to go a different direction and talk about all the other stuff!     Which calls to mind, I once had a very successful client in my car some time back talking about all things Hamptons.  As we drove by the East Hampton movie theatre he asked me, “Kung Fu Panda’, what’s that about?”   Really?  He wasn’t kidding. Isn’t it obvious that its a morality tale about a poor tailor and his struggle with alcoholism set in pre war Europe! UH… Kidding!  It’s a frigging cartoon about a Panda that knows Kung Fu!   So, that being said, I wonder what they’re going to think when they drive by Panda Diplomacy in Water Mill!   website.  It’ looks pretty cool and I have no doubt it’s what everyone will be wearing at The American Hotel this summer!  Ok, well maybe not there.  The wax museum has it’s own separate dress code.  Well, for those of you that don’t know it’s a surfing apparel, boards and accessories store.   Located at 760 Montauk Highway in Water Mill, better known as the shopping center where there used to be Blockbuster-Citarella-Water Mill Cupcake-Avanti-Subway-Foodies and the soon to be opened West Elm Shopping Center.    If you want more info on surfing pandas, check out the

Citarella has hit Southampton!   While it’s not a “full fledged” supermarket according to sources.   It is no doubt a welcome addition to a town that has the second worst supermarket in the Hamptons Walbaum’s which only comes after Walbaum’s in East Hampton.  The store got approved earlier this
month by the Southampton Village Planning board and quickly settled into their Hampton Street location.   While some locals have voiced their concern over the potential parking problems let me accentuate the positive, THEY HAVE FRESH FOOD!

Another newcomer is located on Main St. in Bridgehampton and it’s called BLOW.  No, it’s not that kind of place!  Get your minds out of the gutter people… this isn’t Nevada!  It’s a hair salon that’s specializing in blow outs for ladies and the occasional puffy haired gentleman about to kick up their heels at the given Hamptons benefit!    If you want more information on getting glamours you can check out their website here!    If you want the other kind you need to get on a plane and head to Vegas or perhaps Amsterdam (ohhhh Amsterdam… more on that later… apparently the Dutch love the Hamptons).

If you’re like me one of the greatest things about living out east is not the surf, the beaches, world class boating, golf or even the lack of good cell phone reception.   It’s the fact we have some of the best damn food anywhere.  One of those that has a reputation of being the best of the best is Tate’s Bakery and now they’re selling their White Chocolate Macadamia cookies among other masterpieces out of the Red Horse Market in East Hampton.  But if you’re worried about your waistline  don’t fret, the cookies are sugar, fat, calorie and dairy free…. NOT… if you have to read the calorie label, move on!   I have not doubt there is like 12 pounds of butter in each cookie but damn, they’re awesome!   They make great chipwiches too… just in case you need more calories!

www.barrysbootcamp.com

But if you’re worried about calories and such silliness, fear not Barry’s Bootcamp is opening a new outlet in Amagansett this summer.    Yes, the home of sadistic (IMHO) workouts that burn tons of calories!  According to Racked.com  the location will feature healthy to go meals from Hu Kitchen.      Great news but I’ll pass on the meals, there’s a coconut cupcake (from Mary’s) with my name on it!  The gym is located at 199 Montauk Highway, right behind Mary’s Marvelous!   Did I mention Mary’s coconut cupcake?  It’s another Hamptons masterpiece and makes a great reward for just doing one of their  before I do one of their infamous 1000 calorie burning classes. UGH!

Finally one more thing new in the Hamptons this summer!  A deadly new tick born disease!  Goody!  I’m not going to bore or kill the mood by writing about it.  If you’re curious let the kill joys at CBS News do it for you here.    In the meantime, i’m going to get some new panda surf clothes and eat my cookies and cupcakes in peace!

The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave…. Dealing With Guests that Don’t Take Hints!

It’s about a week to go till all hell breaks loose here in the Hamptons.    We’re of course talking about the official beginning of the summer season.   So while we trumpet the return of warm weather,  the traffic jams and Lyme disease there’s also something else on the horizon.   As anyone who lives on the east end can tell you….. it’s the return of the house guests!

Now, I know that my house is definitely much more fun now that ice has finally melted on the driveway.     So, it comes as no surprise to me that the casual requests for weekend visits increase ten fold when the mercury starts rising.

While I love the guests there are times when having visitors can become a scene more frightening than a Steven Segall movie marathon!     In fact it reminds me of the old Saturday Night Live skit (back when it was funny) of “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave” (see the video below).     So, what do you do with guests that really believe “mi casa is su casa?”

Can you get them to leave with out being insulting?   Of course you can and I’m here to tell you how to do it!   It’s a simple three phase tactic that Martha Stewart would love and yet you’ll still have them running for the doors.  You might even get a thank you note later too!

The Thing Wouldn’t Leave from AFTRS Radio on Vimeo.

Phase 1:  Internet Interception – It’s a fast paced world and one would think that when visiting one of the most beautiful locations on earth, visitors here would actually enjoy shutting the world off!   HA!  Right!   In the Hamptons where dinner tables are silent only because everyone is texting someone else more interesting at another table, staying in touch is like air to breathe.    So what better way to give a guest a gentle nudge then to cutting off their connection to the world in addition to severing them from Netflix and sending their “House of Cards” addiction into a tailspin…. unplug the wifi router!    The fear of actually having to carry a conversation is often all you need to get your life back again and send your guest fleeing.  By the way, if my sister is reading this it actually did go down when you were here last time!  I swear!

The breakfast of chumps!

Phase 2: The Morning Jolt –  They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day.   So what better way to suck the energy out of the overly intrusive guest then starting their day on the wrong foot!  Here’s how you do it!  You hide the Keurig, the Starbucks and the bagels and instead replace them with something terrifying;   Instant coffee, generic cereal and tang!    Nothing says you couldn’t care less than spending less!     After day one of having to run to town to actually get something potable and edible your guest will be dreaming of a blanket in Sheep Meadow!   “Trust me guys, Toasted Oats are actually better tasting than Cheerios!  Really!”

Yes, they’ll have a headache and you’ll get rid of one!

Phase 3: The Cold Shoulders – After a day of Soulcycle, beach combing and a walk down Ralph Lauren Boulevard….errrr… I mean Main St. East Hampton,  there is nothing more refreshing than a hot relaxing shower.   So what’s a guest going to do when the hot water runs out before they have a chance to freshen up!   But alas you won’t have to fib to your guest about a faulty hot water heater, you’ll merely tell them it’s part of your fitness routine…. you know using the cold to burn fat!     Think about this way, you’re also helping them prevent their skin from drying out and invigorating their day since they didn’t have any coffee that morning!     It’s the alternative to Canyon Ranch and the only cost is you leave the house a day early!

In summary, this blog was done in the name of helping OTHERS.   All of the guest in my house are welcome to stay as long as they want… family is welcome to stay the entire month of July….. and guests of guests of relatives of guests are also welcome!  ANYTIME!

MY FINAL THOUGHT OF TODAY:  I see they’re advertising a “new” production of Les Miserables on Broadway.    I was wondering do you get a choice of fish or chicken with this production?!

It’s so good you’ll drop your fork!

 

Summer Showdown Part 1…. Time to Pencil the Calendar with the Best Benefits!

A worse Saturday night Janis Ian never imagined!

Guys, I hate to break the news to you but in spite of the temperatures, Memorial Day is right around the corner.    So while you’re thinking it’s time to trade in your Spanx for that moo moo you might want to also starting contemplating how your calendar is shaping up.    I mean really, nothing is worse for your social standing than having an open calendar!   So, if you don’t want to spend your early summer nights driving through the Burger King in Southampton, please consider going to these fun events and supporting their great causes!   I also did you the favor of giving you links to buy tickets for each event, just click on the event name!

Edit Windsor hosts the GLBT Network on 5/24.

Kicking it all off on 5/24/14 GLBT Services Network Summer Kickoff –  A newcomer to the Hamtons, “The Network”  offers a community center that serves as a safe place with counseling and various services for members of the community and most importantly of all, at risk youth.    The kickoff event will start at 2pm and is hosted at the Southampton home of Edie Windsor who you may or may not know was the driving force for the fall of the DOMA.   Tickets are reasonably priced at $75 now, $125 at the door.  The best reason to go:  It’s early in the day plus you get your chance to potentially meet the woman who could be considered the Rosa Parks of this generation.   Potential reason to skip it:  Probably not the best benefit for single women looking to meet the man of their dreams. But hey, you never know!   So after you had your first round you can head to…..

 The Miracle House Summer Kickoff – Miracle House is a non-profit extended stay facility that provides housing, counseling and support for those seeking treatment in NYC and need assistance.   The location is the Bridgehampton Surf an Tennis Club.. and this is a huge event.  While it started as an AIDS charity and therefore has a strong guy following,  it benefits everyone from young to old with any illness.  Tickets start at $300 and go up!  The best reason to go: Great atmosphere with a fun crowd and since most of the boys shame their friends that eat those puff pastries and pigs-in-the-blanket, there’s plenty of food!  Potential Reason to skip it:  You get shunned for eating the puff pastry!  But hey, I can live with being shunned.  Now pass that tray!

Fresh Air Home Sale and Auction Benefit Gala!

6/7/14 Southampton Fresh Air Home Sale and Auction Benefit Gala – Southampton FAH provides a camp experience for physically challenged youth with sailing, swimming, hiking, etc.   The benefit is held at their facility on Barkers Island Road in Southampton  It’s one of the more mellow benefits of the season but it’s a who’s who’s mixer for everyone in Southampton.   Tickets once again go for $300 and up.   The best reason to go:  The furniture in the silent auction is amazing stuff… plus it’s some of the best people watching ever!   Yes, people really do wear bright yellow pants with lime green tops! Potential reason to skip it:  The best auction items here go early and these are not TJ Maxx prices but hey it’s for a great cause!

6/21/14 The Ellen Hermanson Foundation Summer Solstice – Hosted at the Southampton home of

Chuck and Ellen Scarborough host Summer Solstice.

Chuck and Ellen Scarborough, the event offers cocktails and some of the best bites around!   Tickets are starting at $300.  The foundation is a grassroots organization that has become a truly amazing success story promoting women’s health issues through awareness and providing counseling and medical services on the East End.  The best reason to go:  When was the last time you were invited to Chuck and Ellen Scarborough’s house?  DUH!   Potential Reason to Skip It:  No you can’t stay overnight! Chuck and Ellen will be asking you to leave their house after the event!

6/28/14  American Heart Association’s Heart of the Hamptons – The Heart of the Hamptons Ball has raised over $2.5 million for the American Heart Association since it began 15 years ago.   The event is held at the Hayground School in Bridgehampton on Mitchell’s Lane.  Tickets start at $175 for after dinner party tickets and $500 for cocktails and dinner.    The best reason to go:  Great star spotting at this event…this year journalist Rita Cosby is emcee and everyone from Rudy Guiliani to Christie Brinkley have been spotted here!  You may even see some Z listers like Star Jones too! Potential Reason to skip it:   Lot’s of great music and dancing on a hot summer night equals lots of sweaty and ruined expensive outfits!   It’s not pretty!