real estate.

The Evil that is Pumpkin Town….the Benefits of Solar Power…. and This “Cidiot” Wants His Money Back!!!!!

It’s that time of year again… the crowds are gone, the water is warm and the parents of young ones are being tortured into stopping by Pumpkin Town on Rt. 27!    Yes, the venerable Water Mill attraction is back for another season of traffic jams, expensive cider and even more expensive pumpkins.   Now, I’ve got to be honest I’ve never gone to Pumpkin Town.   All of the information I’m conveying is second hand, so I don’t know if the rumors of that big new red barn are true.   I’ve heard many theories about the red barn ranging from they’re selling Halloween masks that are electronically turning children  into zombies… a la Halloween 3: Season of the Witch… to an overpriced food court.   I’m guessing both are pretty strong possibilities!     So there is my warning to the unsuspecting parent.   Luckily for everyone, it’s only for another 30 days.

Meanwhile, it seems more and more home owners are weighing the option of adding solar power to help fill their power needs.    Recently I gathered some “solar experts” to discuss the benefits, costs and benefits of upgrading a home with this green technology.    It’s just a basic overview but it’s full of tidbits that I think make a great introduction to solar power.

 

Finally… I’m getting tired of these “Cidiots Go Home” postings.    I find it offensive!!!   My main complaint is the penmanship  is horrible!  You would think that all of the tax money these “cidiots” pay that the local schools would teach their students how to write!  Hello, haven’t they heard of the Palmer Method?  Now since, I more or less consider myself a cidiot, I want my tax money back!

If you’re bored…. why not toast the locally grown!? Plus, after 63years… Saying Goodbye to some Good Friends (ok, dog years!).

Guys, the chill is in the air the crowds are dwindling and it’s now my favorite time of the year in the Hamptons, September!  The water is warm, the pool is open and Gwyneth Paltrow is no longer in town.    The early fall is our secret… although I willing to share it with anyone who will buy a house from me…. hint!   But while I keep the secret about fall on the east end, I will tell folks about some ideas to keep themselves entertained.

This Thursday night Page Restaurant in Sag Harbor is hosting a Farm to Table dinner or as my dyslexic mind and mouth often say, “Table to Farm.”    Anyway, it’s a 7 course dinner featuring local farmer

www.page63main.com

Dave Falkowksi better known as the “mushroom man” (no you degenerate, not those kind of mushrooms) and organic wines from Channing Daughters Winery in Bridgehampton!    Speakers from both the winery and farm will be there to speak about the various courses and wines.   It’s a great way to learn a little bit about agriculture, eat some cool food and mingle with some great wines!

The cost is $65 for the dinner and $85 with wine pairing.   For more details or to make reservations go to www.page63main.com or call 631-725-1810.
The Hampton Pet Club in happier times!
Meanwhile, I’m shedding tears as I type this blog.   In fact, I just short circuited my keyboard with tears!!! Johnny 5 is not alive!!   Sad news… After close to 10 years in business and becoming a virtual member of my family the Hampton Pet Club is closing it’s doors at the end of the month.     After several attempts to keep the biscuits, baths and barking flowing Bella, Russell and Boo’s doggy day care providers have lost their lease.   According to sources the club will shutter its doors at the end of the month.   I know I’ll miss Jason Neimark and his crew; Todd, Rhonda, Caroline and the rest!    I don’t want to go into details because I don’t know them all but I can tell you, I don’t like the landlord of the said building!   Jason took what was once a lousy location and made a thriving business through his hard work and obvious affection for each and every dog!  Guys, I wish you all well and hope something happens to keep you all here, we’ll all miss seeing you!
In the meantime, if anyone knows of a good dog sitter and place for the kids …. er I mean dogs.. to hang…. Please let me know!

Book Hampton Sag Harbor is Gone and Mostly Forgotten… and a Way to Prevent Serious Accidents in the Hamptons!

The former BookHampton Sag Harbor

Well it was long rumored and now it’s true… Bookhampton in Sag Harbor is now a memory.  I actually just noticed it gone yesterday but sadly it’s been gone for awhile.  Blame it on Kindle or Ibooks but the

fact remains, retail is hard in the Hamptons.     I just wonder how long before all of Main Streets are entirely empty, then I have no doubt some of the villages will have no choice but to allow some of the larger chain stores to move onto the block.

Perhaps the biggest reason I was slow to figure out that there was a retail shuffle in Sag Harbor was due to the fact that I was out of town (the other that I have Netflix on my Ipad and I’m slowly becoming an illiterate slob).    I was on Cape Cod in Provincetown, MA.     Now, while there are many great things about P-twon as it’s called, the restaurants, the beaches and the abundance of really unattractive drag queens, my favorite thing was the amazing bike trails!   The beautifully maintained National Seashore Bike Trails contain miles of challenging and motor vehicle free biking!    They feature views of dunes, forest, ponds and even the ocean and are one of the bigger and popular attractions on “The Cape.”  Now, my question is why don’t we have this in the Hamptons!?!

Imagine bike trails here!!

With more accidents in the Hamptons than ever before, no doubt due to drivers being distracted by their smart phones, the time is now for the east end to create some safe areas for bikers.    This is perhaps the reason why one employee at a local bike shop told me, “anyone who rides after 10 am on a weekend is asking for trouble.”    If you have any doubt about this, go to any of the villages on a weekend.  It’s crowded beyond belief and nobody is watching where they go!   Yeah, I know it’s important stuff they’re doing like checking Facebook or Foursquare or texting about the next Soulcycle class.

So here’s my idea, someone talk to LIPA about a good will gesture that if they execute, I will forgive them the 2 weeks I spent in the dark after Sandy (It was horrible, I had no Netflix).  They take the area under the high tension wires on the East End, you know the ones they refused to bury and pave bike trails underneath.   These things go for miles (look on Google Earth) and a bike trail from Southampton to Montauk could easily be created (IMHO) and hopefully encourage folks to bike to the village instead of taking their Escalades and Hummers.   It’s a win win for everyone!    It might even help alleviate some of the fist fights in the parking lot of those spin studios.  Imagine, bicycling to a spin class!   So how do we get this done?!

OVERHEARD:   While standing in line at the Red Horse Market deli counter in East Hampton.  After ordering a pound and a half of smoked turkey breast the customer asks the employee, “Can you count those, I need to know how many slices I have there!?”   Only in the Hamptons.

The Hamptons… Debunking the Myths!I

I’ll never forget my first visit to the Hamptons back in the mid 80’s.    A friend of mine brought me to stay at his parents house which I think was in Southampton.   It was somewhat of a culture shock for me.   I mean I grew up going to the Jersey shore.     Margate, Cape May and Long Beach Island were all I knew of beach living.    So when I first crossed the canal… Yes, that’s really where the Hamptons begin.. it was a bit of an eyeopener.

Now that I live out here full-time, friends from near and far have questions about living in our little slice of “heaven.”   So along with their requests to visit with friends and friends of friends (I’m sorry, the house is being bug bombed that weekend), come misconceptions about what its really like to be in the Hamptons.   So, today I’m here to debunk the myths and misconceptions about life east of the canal.  Where is Quogue anyway?

It’s a movie you idiot!!!

1)  Myth:  If you’re nice to your boss maybe they’ll invite you to their beachfront property for the weekend.      

REALITY: Hello McFly, “Weekend at Bernie’s” is not real life!   You’re not that lucky, your boss isn’t going to invite you and he/she probably won’t die.   So,  even if you do somehow get an invite it’s going to be exhausting butt kissing and sucking up all weekend!   Your boss comes out here to get away… especially from you! It’s the truth.  If they liked you even a little they would have invited you already.    I don’t care if there was a “Weekend at Bernie’s 2” it’s just not going to happen!  In fact, if you bumped into them at the Golden Pear they’re going to pretend they never saw you before!  I experienced that one first hand from Harry C. years ago.  (I heard he now lives in Michigan and works as an assistant manager at Friendly’s, sometimes Karma works!)

2)  Myth: People come to the Hamptons to get mellow, relax and get away from it all.


REALITY: Wait I gotta catch my breath from this one!  MELLOW!!?? RELAX???! GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?     If you’ve ever been to The Palm on a Friday night in the summer you’ll know it isn’t true!  The overcrowded lobby where everyone dressed in designer duds is aggressive, pushy and jockeying the host stand as if they were starving and getting free government cheese (not as good as it sounds and not kind of bland tasting).   Not only that it’s networking central once you get inside the dining room.    In fact, I was there a few weeks ago with 3 friends and we didn’t even talk to each other.    They were talking business deals and I was working the room seeing who wanted to sell!     I always knew good things would come from the 837 Club!

3) Myth: There are palm trees in the Hamptons.


REALITY:  They don’t shoot “Revenge” in the Hamptons.    It’s shot in California or North Carolina or somewhere.    There are many beautiful trees on the east end, especially Scrub Oak (I’m trying to make them the new “it” thing and improve my property value).   Did I say how spectacular Scrub Oak are in the fall.  They’re beautiful in the summer too.  Boy I thing Scrub Oak are THE tree of the super wealthy and stylish.    Call me about seeing my house, it’s on the market.  By the way, whatever happened to Conrad Grayson?

4)  Myth:  The celebrities in the Hamptons at all of the benefits are refined and super glamorous! 

The only “Housewife” I want to meet!

REALITY: I have to quote Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Jr., “you don’t have to be a star baby…. to be in our” benefit.   I have to blame Andy Cohn for this one.   Now, I love you Andy and I’m happy for your success but those housewives are a nightmare!    I am an addict to the History Channel so I’ve never actually watched a “Real Housewives” of anything.     I know plenty of real housewives and personally most of them really aren’t that interesting.   So why do I care about Ramona (who screams at waiters)… or Jill (who abuses real agents (moi) about “over priced” houses which I know she couldn’t afford anyway)?    Besides, you can’t fool me they’re nothing more than Snooky in Pucci dresses.    Classy!    Now, don’t get me wrong there are some real Hollywood type celebrities out here; Alec Baldwin, Kelsey Grammer, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jerry Seinfeld and Christie Brinkley (who I swear uses a stylist to go to Yummylicious) that are well dressed and well behaved.   But lately I think they’re keeping a low profile on the benefit circuit.  I guess they heard that indicted NJ Housewife Teresa is coming to town.   Although personally, I think I’d kind of get along with that housewife.  I bet she’s been to Long Beach Island.