Book Hampton Sag Harbor is Gone and Mostly Forgotten… and a Way to Prevent Serious Accidents in the Hamptons!

The former BookHampton Sag Harbor

Well it was long rumored and now it’s true… Bookhampton in Sag Harbor is now a memory.  I actually just noticed it gone yesterday but sadly it’s been gone for awhile.  Blame it on Kindle or Ibooks but the

fact remains, retail is hard in the Hamptons.     I just wonder how long before all of Main Streets are entirely empty, then I have no doubt some of the villages will have no choice but to allow some of the larger chain stores to move onto the block.

Perhaps the biggest reason I was slow to figure out that there was a retail shuffle in Sag Harbor was due to the fact that I was out of town (the other that I have Netflix on my Ipad and I’m slowly becoming an illiterate slob).    I was on Cape Cod in Provincetown, MA.     Now, while there are many great things about P-twon as it’s called, the restaurants, the beaches and the abundance of really unattractive drag queens, my favorite thing was the amazing bike trails!   The beautifully maintained National Seashore Bike Trails contain miles of challenging and motor vehicle free biking!    They feature views of dunes, forest, ponds and even the ocean and are one of the bigger and popular attractions on “The Cape.”  Now, my question is why don’t we have this in the Hamptons!?!

Imagine bike trails here!!

With more accidents in the Hamptons than ever before, no doubt due to drivers being distracted by their smart phones, the time is now for the east end to create some safe areas for bikers.    This is perhaps the reason why one employee at a local bike shop told me, “anyone who rides after 10 am on a weekend is asking for trouble.”    If you have any doubt about this, go to any of the villages on a weekend.  It’s crowded beyond belief and nobody is watching where they go!   Yeah, I know it’s important stuff they’re doing like checking Facebook or Foursquare or texting about the next Soulcycle class.

So here’s my idea, someone talk to LIPA about a good will gesture that if they execute, I will forgive them the 2 weeks I spent in the dark after Sandy (It was horrible, I had no Netflix).  They take the area under the high tension wires on the East End, you know the ones they refused to bury and pave bike trails underneath.   These things go for miles (look on Google Earth) and a bike trail from Southampton to Montauk could easily be created (IMHO) and hopefully encourage folks to bike to the village instead of taking their Escalades and Hummers.   It’s a win win for everyone!    It might even help alleviate some of the fist fights in the parking lot of those spin studios.  Imagine, bicycling to a spin class!   So how do we get this done?!

OVERHEARD:   While standing in line at the Red Horse Market deli counter in East Hampton.  After ordering a pound and a half of smoked turkey breast the customer asks the employee, “Can you count those, I need to know how many slices I have there!?”   Only in the Hamptons.

The Hamptons… Debunking the Myths!I

I’ll never forget my first visit to the Hamptons back in the mid 80’s.    A friend of mine brought me to stay at his parents house which I think was in Southampton.   It was somewhat of a culture shock for me.   I mean I grew up going to the Jersey shore.     Margate, Cape May and Long Beach Island were all I knew of beach living.    So when I first crossed the canal… Yes, that’s really where the Hamptons begin.. it was a bit of an eyeopener.

Now that I live out here full-time, friends from near and far have questions about living in our little slice of “heaven.”   So along with their requests to visit with friends and friends of friends (I’m sorry, the house is being bug bombed that weekend), come misconceptions about what its really like to be in the Hamptons.   So, today I’m here to debunk the myths and misconceptions about life east of the canal.  Where is Quogue anyway?

It’s a movie you idiot!!!

1)  Myth:  If you’re nice to your boss maybe they’ll invite you to their beachfront property for the weekend.      

REALITY: Hello McFly, “Weekend at Bernie’s” is not real life!   You’re not that lucky, your boss isn’t going to invite you and he/she probably won’t die.   So,  even if you do somehow get an invite it’s going to be exhausting butt kissing and sucking up all weekend!   Your boss comes out here to get away… especially from you! It’s the truth.  If they liked you even a little they would have invited you already.    I don’t care if there was a “Weekend at Bernie’s 2” it’s just not going to happen!  In fact, if you bumped into them at the Golden Pear they’re going to pretend they never saw you before!  I experienced that one first hand from Harry C. years ago.  (I heard he now lives in Michigan and works as an assistant manager at Friendly’s, sometimes Karma works!)

2)  Myth: People come to the Hamptons to get mellow, relax and get away from it all.


REALITY: Wait I gotta catch my breath from this one!  MELLOW!!?? RELAX???! GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?     If you’ve ever been to The Palm on a Friday night in the summer you’ll know it isn’t true!  The overcrowded lobby where everyone dressed in designer duds is aggressive, pushy and jockeying the host stand as if they were starving and getting free government cheese (not as good as it sounds and not kind of bland tasting).   Not only that it’s networking central once you get inside the dining room.    In fact, I was there a few weeks ago with 3 friends and we didn’t even talk to each other.    They were talking business deals and I was working the room seeing who wanted to sell!     I always knew good things would come from the 837 Club!

3) Myth: There are palm trees in the Hamptons.


REALITY:  They don’t shoot “Revenge” in the Hamptons.    It’s shot in California or North Carolina or somewhere.    There are many beautiful trees on the east end, especially Scrub Oak (I’m trying to make them the new “it” thing and improve my property value).   Did I say how spectacular Scrub Oak are in the fall.  They’re beautiful in the summer too.  Boy I thing Scrub Oak are THE tree of the super wealthy and stylish.    Call me about seeing my house, it’s on the market.  By the way, whatever happened to Conrad Grayson?

4)  Myth:  The celebrities in the Hamptons at all of the benefits are refined and super glamorous! 

The only “Housewife” I want to meet!

REALITY: I have to quote Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Jr., “you don’t have to be a star baby…. to be in our” benefit.   I have to blame Andy Cohn for this one.   Now, I love you Andy and I’m happy for your success but those housewives are a nightmare!    I am an addict to the History Channel so I’ve never actually watched a “Real Housewives” of anything.     I know plenty of real housewives and personally most of them really aren’t that interesting.   So why do I care about Ramona (who screams at waiters)… or Jill (who abuses real agents (moi) about “over priced” houses which I know she couldn’t afford anyway)?    Besides, you can’t fool me they’re nothing more than Snooky in Pucci dresses.    Classy!    Now, don’t get me wrong there are some real Hollywood type celebrities out here; Alec Baldwin, Kelsey Grammer, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jerry Seinfeld and Christie Brinkley (who I swear uses a stylist to go to Yummylicious) that are well dressed and well behaved.   But lately I think they’re keeping a low profile on the benefit circuit.  I guess they heard that indicted NJ Housewife Teresa is coming to town.   Although personally, I think I’d kind of get along with that housewife.  I bet she’s been to Long Beach Island.

 

A Brouhaha at the Beaches in Amagansett and a Cure for Round Swamp Farm’s Cinnamon Buns… well sort of!

VERBOTTEN!

Those oft over-the top folks in “Amagainsit” are at it again.  Fearing that the guest of a guest, share house, booze-swilling Saturday afternoon fedora crowd would drift east from Indian Wells due to parking lot restrictions and an increased police presence, the Beach Hampton homeowners association sent out an early summer warning to members.

That beach access would be restricted to members in good standing with the Dunes home owner’s association (i.e. residents and their tenants ).
OK. We’re good so far.  While we won’t consult our Hamptons Chatter legal department just yet about their legal right to restrict access they have begun stationing “monitors” at various beach access points.  (although when we googled “lawsuit beach public access” it appears the folks in Amagansett are walking a very shaky and fine line).

This summer, clipboard carrying Studio 54 type bouncers have been checking to make sure not only if beach goers are from the right part of town, they’re also making sure everyone is ponied up with his or her Homeowners Association Dues.    But what if you landlord has paid the dues… you want to go to beach but the bouncer says “no you didn’t.”   Well that’s exactly what has been happening.  Apparently this is becoming more and more of a problem with rental tenants lugging their wares to the beach only to be turned back!!! I don’t know the whole deal here but I’m just predicting this is going to blow up before the end of the summer.

Meanwhile here in the Hamptons we’ve got more than our fair share of famous culinary and home making genius’.      There’s of course Martha Stewart…. there’s Ina Garten (who I like even though she and Jeffrey have yet to invite me  over) … and now there’s ANKE.   In keeping with the  summer of healthy eating I want to tell you Anke’s Fit Bakery and her stuff is awesome.   I’ve also been discussing this around town, and I’m hearing similar stories from other agents whose summer tenants are being subjected to random shakedowns in The Dunes.    Perhaps this is just all a bunch of misunderstandings but bouncers on the beach?!!!   Stay tuned.

 

 

Shunning refined flour for her baked goods, Anke uses spelt flour, whole oats and other organic ingredients because, “Ingestion of refined flours elevates the potential for heart disease, stroke, cancer and obesity.  The health risks can be reduced by using whole grain flours instead of refined flours.”  My personal favorite is Anke’s Chocolate Loaf cake make with coco and a bunch of good stuff.   But you would never know it, I would swear it’s Entenmann’s!    Marie Claire, Tracy Anderson, the East Hampton Star and a bunch of other publications will attest to the fact I speak the truth.   So check out the website or go visit Anke at the Sag Harbor Farmer’s Market on Saturday morning.  You and your gut wont’ regret it!!!  Now, back to the treadmill!